It's a Bird, it's a Plane, it's Lame-Brain!

Rating: 2/10 (23 June 2009)

It may interest those praising Hancock for having a black superhero that the original script, which is online, doesn't specify his race. He's just your garden-variety sleaze who drinks, smokes, swears, screws, and lusts after Mary, who doesn't have superpowers. The Ray character is a department store security guard named - are you ready? - Horus Longfellow! In short, the script was retooled-by-committee so that The Fresh Prince could play action hero! Goody-goody!
Does anyone find it funny how a movie that suffers from massive bouts of homophobia would have a scene of its star lying on his stomach... on a cot... in a jail cell... with his backside straight up?
As Spiderman can tell you, superheroes get paid squat. Even Batman, with all of his bazillions, has to work for a living. So, how does our hero earn his keep? Uh, now that I think about the scene with that ho in the trailer, forget I asked.
Just how ridiculous is Hancock? Mary warns John that she'll kill him if Ray learns of her superpowers, then they have the obligatory downtown showdown, causing millions in damages. Makes sense to me, too.
Ray is a successful yet properly guilt-ridden white liberal who treats Hancock like a 2 year old. Even how he thanks him for saving his life is despicably patronizing.
John and Mary have been on-again/off-again since 4 B.C., but they're toxic to each other? Sounds like a typical relationship. That bit of info is followed by an idiotic monologue about how "they made us in pairs". Who were "they"? How and why did "they" choose John and Mary? Being "made in pairs" means that John and Mary "are" identical. Did "they" give John and Mary the ability to morph into different races and ethnicities or was that something that they developed? What happened to our lovebirds between 4 B.C. and 1850? More importantly, why do I care?
When John didn't tear into Ray and the other retards for ignoring the railroad crossing signals, the film lost me. John should have let the train "teach" them all a lesson. I know I would have!