If you love old movies, you're be disappointed by this

Rating: 5/10 (28 February 2016)

Hail, Caesar! fails to deliver on its promise of a send-up of the filmic confections of Hollywood's golden age. There are two fundamental problems: pacing and performance.
For an homage to rise above pastiche, the actors need to believe in their roles. They can't mock, they need to be who they are mocking. Most of the actors here seemed to be phoning it in. "I can do a pretty good Gene Kelly impression." "You want '40s dame, I can give you '40s dame." Impressions don't work in a movie. No one cares about an impressionist. And here's the thing: if you're doing Gene Kelly in "On the Town," you need a better dancer. At least the chorus should have been better dancers. No shame having the background outshine the leads in a big musical number, in fact it's a grand old tradition (see John Brascia in "White Christmas" - since Donald O'Connor was too busy and his role went to Danny Kaye, there was no male lead of Vera-Ellen's calibre for the dance numbers). If you watch the actual movies from this era, you'll notice that every dancer is *on*. Every last member of the chorus is giving it 110% every minute that they're on screen. Not a single sailor in Channing Tatum's big dance scene - including Channing Tatum - seems to be enjoying himself. They all look like they're worried about putting a foot wrong. Periodically flashing a smile on cue, but generally a bit serious and glum.
One could argue that Tatum's character seemed distracted because he was actually embroiled in a communist plot, but in that era, no minor or major crisis would stop you from giving it all on screen and smiling regardless. Just ask Judy Garland. George Clooney got it; he bought his character. What he did in the crucifixion scene is what they should have been trying to do the whole film - the performer buying it whole hog and giving a million percent, despite his own apathetic and mercenary feelings about the whole business. And sweeping everyone up in that magic.
And the dames. Tilda Swinton didn't even try. And where was wardrobe? Her clothing could have been amazing if it fit properly, or was at least properly steamed and pressed - especially since the "lesser" twin looked more put together. Why was Scarlett Johansson's Deeanna character even in the film? As yet another crisis to make Eddie's day worse? She didn't seem interested enough to care, or make anyone else care. You have to wonder if there was more to this story, if it was initially connected in some way to the plot, but was cut because the story was dragging.
And it was dragging. Oh how it dragged. At some point around the two-hour mark (or so it felt) it occurred to me, all of this is happening in one day. Why doesn't it feel manic? Why is there no pace to this film? It's as though everyone took a Valium on their way to the set. This was especially glaring in the un-snappy '40s dame dialogue - didn't they make the actresses sit down and watch a few Barbara Stanwyck movies for research? They should have. Or, they should have gotten the amped-up court drummer from Danny Kaye's knighthood scene in The Court Jester to come in and get everyone to just speed things up a whole lot. Yea verily yea! If they had picked up the pace, given it that manic sense that was totally lacking, fleshed out the Deeanna story a bit so it was relevant (and fast-paced), that would have also allowed for more contrast with the slower parts of the film - Eddie going to confession, Eddie at home with his family. As it was, it all dragged on with the same lumbering gait.
There were other little annoyances. The makeup wasn't too period (I guess none of the actresses wanted their eyebrows messed with?) although that is certainly also true of period films of '40s and '50s. The ill-fitting wardrobe was pure carelessness on behalf of the filmmakers. The Roman soldiers couldn't march in step. All of these little details seem petty to complain about, but each one takes the viewer a little farther away from the picture.
And there were good moments, too. Heather Goldenhersh as the secretary, and most especially Alden Ehrenreich as cowboy crooner Hobie was brilliant. He looked the part, he acted the part, he believed what he was doing. And apparently he really did learn how to make a lasso out of spaghetti.
Overall, it felt like a series of set pieces. Let's do an Esther Williams number. Let's do On the Town. I swear, every single character seemed lifted from somewhere else - even the cabal of communist writers seemed like a pale echo of Billy Wilder's gang of academics in Ball of Fire.
If you love the old movies, this will leave you feeling let down. Skip it and re-watch Singin' in the Rain instead.