Guardians 2: Dazzling visuals and a nice soundtrack, but the writers were hardly even trying.

Rating: 5/10 (28 May 2017)

"Guardians of the Galaxy 2" is a messy, irreverent fever-dream of a comic-book space-opera. Its characters are dumb but as likable as puppy-dogs, its script is about as hokey as a CBS sitcom, its plot is full of holes one could drive a Mack-truck through, its visuals make up for their CGI-fakiness by amping-up the color-saturation into neon-overdrive, and it's all set to an overtly nostalgic 1970's rock soundtrack. How can that be bad? Also, how can that be very good?
All of which is to say that I think I liked this sequel better than the original "Guardians." It was certainly a bit more fun to look at, containing a few environments -- the "Sovereign" planet, and the "Ego" planet -- which were grandly imaginative spectacles of fake- looking and weightless but nonetheless striking CGI work. That, and many of the outer-space battles -- as well as a "space fireworks" scene at the end -- were as gorgeously colorful as the prettiest sci-fi screensaver. The original "Guardians" strived for this kind of over-the-top neon-daydream airbrush-art sci-fi book-jacket quality, and it came close. The sequel, however hyperjumps smack dab into the heart of that territory, and pushes the look as far over the top as I'd hoped it might.
The film's plot is a little cleaner, a little more satisfying, than the original's. There were so many threads involved in the first film that all I can remember, at this point, is that it had something to do with the Guardians trying to keep something called an Infinity Stone out of the hands of a variety of forgettable villains. Thanos was somehow involved. Was Loki in the film? I can't recall. The entire plot was about chasing or protecting a MacGuffin (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGuffin), and the climax -- where somehow the Guardians were able to hold a bare Infinity Stone without dying, after the film had taken pains to inform us that such a feat was impossible -- kind of summed-up all my feelings about the film. Why care at all about a story, when the story is so ready to break from its own established rules and logic for a cheap "wow" moment?
"Guardians 2" provides a feasible-enough explanation for that unlikely climactic moment: Starlord's father is an immortal, god- like being known as a Celestial. This makes Starlord half-immortal, or something. Well, truthfully, it makes Starlord exactly as immortal as the plot needs him to be at any given moment, which is pretty convenient for the plot.
This episode of "Guardians" in fact focuses on the newfound relationship between Starlord (Chris Pratt) and his immortal father, Ego (Kurt Russell). Ego appears out of nowhere in his cosmic egg- ship, just in time to save Starlord and his crew from certain death at the hands of The Sovereign, a race of golden-skinned aristocrats whose ire has been provoked by the Guardians' theft of the very merchandise the Sovereign had hired them to protect. Why steal the very merchandise you've been hired to protect? The only actual reason is because it provides an excuse for some early-film space- battle action. But the film has some fun trying to answer the question of "Why?" anyway, and eventually lands on the notion that Rocket (the foul-mouthed raccoon) just wants to be loved. That plays every bit as shallow as it sounds, but that's what passes for depth in a film like this.
Anyway, after Ego's perfectly-timed rescue, the Guardians' wounded ship crash-lands on a forest-planet. Ego lands alongside, introductions are made, exposition-dumps occur, the next phase of the plot is set-up. Most of the crew then climbs aboard Ego's Eggship for a quick hyperjump over to his home-planet, a fantastical gardenscape known as Ego. Yes, as it turns out, Ego and his home- planet are in fact extensions of the same entity, an incorporeal energy-force which can seemingly manifest itself as anything it desires. This is a neat idea, but this isn't Star Trek, so the most interesting question the film can come up with about Ego's nature is whether or not his human form has a penis?
Naturally, Ego's motivations are not as innocent as they first seem, and The Sovereign aren't lost for long. Stir-in a sub-plot involving Yondu, Starlord's "tough-as-nails but not" adoptive father, and a mutiny aboard his cosmic pirate-ship. Add a measure of cutesy family-comedy in the form of Baby Groot, a CGI film-mascot who's only ever as smart, or as dumb, or as strong, or as weak, as the film needs him to be in any given moment. And there you have the sloppy concoction which comprises "Guardians 2."
Honestly, this film is fun in an episodic kind of way, and I'm sure that's all it aspires to be. But then, I have to admit that much of the fun was spoiled, for me, by the fact that the film just refuses to respect the logic of its own storytelling. This is one of those films where absolutely anything might happen at any moment, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem, regardless of how out- of-the-blue it might be, regardless of how un-earned the development might seem. Exciting! Things! Happen! But those things are robbed of any weight or meaning by the fact that the film refuses to take its own plot seriously. It's all action with little to no consequence. As soon as you realize that, any kind of suspense or drama is completely gone. At that point, all that's left to do is just drink-in the colorful CGI fireworks and laugh (if you can) at the episodic goofiness.