Warning: Disappointed fan girl venting below

Rating: 1/10 (13 August 2014)

I love Marvel. Whether it be X-Men, Thor, The Avengers, Spider-man, Iron Man... most of the commonly known ones, of course, but I always loved them. But to put this as simply as I can -though that doesn't mean this will be short-, this film was filled with 1,000 of the most common clichés extracted from these great films and stories and crammed them into one mashed-up, jumpy, unreserved, ridiculous, abnormal, spiteful, detestable, idiotic, moronic, absurd, ludicrous, senseless, meaningless, pointless, terribly-written, unbelievably- unrealistic, super-super-super-hero-wannabe movie that very desperately AND obviously AND obnoxiously attempts to special-effect everything -and I mean everything- to simply gain some big bucks because, hey, it's Marvel, what could go wrong? It's sad to see how successful their attempts were; I fell for it... for me, it's all due to The Avengers because that was freaking amazing, even though it had a lot of commonplace stuff. And boy, do I regret wasting my two hours on this extremely disappointing collage. Basically, it's a film made of collages because everything just had to be colorful in outer space. No seriously. Of course everything is colorful there. It's not like the galaxy is filled with 96% dark matter that is called DARK for a reason. So yeah. Totally makes sense. And your skin also starts rotting in outer-space, too. Serious case of leprosy then? I liked Elektra more than this. I'd rather have watched that five times. Kind of feel like that says something. The only reasons I smiled or laughed was because the directors and script writers were decent at making corny jokes, puns, and lines funny enough that giggling is impossible prevent unless you are emotionless. They should have gone with comedy, rather than action-adventure, though, since I sincerely thought the rest of the moments were just junk. Call me a spoil-sport if you must, but I was literally whispering what would happen in the next minute to my friend beside me. Usually I'm not very good at predicting what happens in films -unless they are seriously full of clichés...which this film is-, but I said them anyway. I was right 8 times. Out of 9. I counted. Anyway... though the beautiful graphics did rival that of Avatar, the plot of "saving the people from the evil mastermind only this time it involves the whole galaxy instead of just one planet so it's not just Earth that's being targeted this time so ha we are different" never got THIS tiring. I was so close to sinking in my chair and dreaming up a nightmare because of how stupidly predictable this film was. Maybe that was intentional and Marvel fans just wanted to see some new, more unique heroes this time, and also to see the visuals, and maybe to see Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana's pretty butts...but whatever. I had half that mind prepared for a cliché-turned- awesome movie when I walked in the theater. I came out with my whole mind filling up and overloading with shame and displeasure.
So, plot: Would have been old and good but it wasn't. Protagonists: I would have cared for them more if the filmmakers didn't blow up almost everyone's favorite guy and kept alive some people's least-liked guy(s). So, yeah. Villains: ... oh my gosh, no, seriously? What even happened to the evil robot woman? Did the filmmakers just completely forget her? Music: Louder than Inception's horn. And I loved that even though it had no tune. Couldn't stand this though. But still, be ready for some rocking 80s and 90s music that I would have downloaded if they didn't play those songs during totally inappropriate moments. Comedy relief my butt. The only relief I got out of the soundtrack that isn't even their soundtrack -hopefully they didn't violate any copy rights... I mean, if it's these filmmakers, I wouldn't be surprised- is that I'm glad Groot enjoyed himself. Visuals: Stunning. That wasn't sarcastic at all. At all. What else? Oh yeah, unless you pay me a million dollars, I would never watch the sequel. So sorry I can't contribute ten dollars for Marvel next time. Tough luck.
Don't let this review stop you though. Most of my friends liked it. And of course, most people who reviewed this movie liked it, so I guess I'm just a jerk. I'm betting you readers agree, and that's totally understandable since I am totally venting. But hey, three out of four of my friends never watched a Marvel movie so... call me bluffing, but I sincerely experienced one of the deepest disappointments I have ever dealt with in regards to a movie franchise in my entire life.
... I'm still going to watch X-men though. Dang you, Marvel.