Can't be cool and witty, designed by committee

Rating: Null/10 (16 December 2014)

"You're off the artistic roll call forever. You're another shill. Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink." - Bill Hicks
Marvel Studios has repeatedly hired "quirky" directors in an attempt to elevate the quality of their blockbusters. Based on their postmodern superhero flicks ("Kick-Ass" and "Chronicle"), for example, Matthew Vaughn and Josh Trask were hired to direct "First Class" and "The Fantastic Four". Based on his supposed "reinvigoration" of the romance genre with "500 Days of Summer, Mac Webb was similarly given several "Spider-Man" movies. Shane Black and Joss Whedon, postmodern nerd-kings who specialise in narrative irreverence, were likewise tasked with "spicing up" "Iron Man 3" and "The Avengers". The rest of the Studio's catalogue is filled with pictures by such "prestigeous" guys as Ang Lee, Sam Raimi, James Mangold, Bryan Singer and Kenneth Branagh. In most cases, the demands of the Marvel brand suck these films dry of anything interesting. Though engineered to be "edgy", these films mostly have the effect of neutering their supposed auteurs.
James Gunn directed "Super" in 2010, another postmodern - and supposedly "irreverent" - superhero movie. Gunn was given the helm of "Guardians of the Galaxy" in 2012. Like most Marvel features, the result is a zillion dollar cartoon made by machines. You can almost see the boxes being ticked.
"Galaxy" opens with a child being abducted from his dying mother. This kid grows to become Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), an intergalactic space thief. The film's opening action sequence – lifted from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" - finds Quill stealing a gonad shaped MacGuffin. As this MacGuffin houses an INFINITY STONE! which grants AWESOME POWERS! to whosoever wields it, it is pursued by seemingly everyone in the universe. They want it. Quill has it.
"Galaxy" then introduces us to Rocket (a genetically engineered Racoon), Groot (Chewbacca with chlorophyll) and Gamora (warrior-eyecandy). All three are attempting to get their hands on the INIFINITY STONE! The film also contains a dull subplot involving a BIG BAD VILLAIN who wears a cape, spews dull bad-guy dialogue, wields a hammer and flies around in a giant spaceship attempting to destroy planets. Why? Because he's a bad guy.
"Galaxy" is less superhero movie than space-opera. "Star Wars" without the novelty value, "Serenity"/"Firefly" without the cleverness, "Futurama"/"Fifth Element" without the irreverence, it mostly bludgeons you with money. Gunn's idea of "wit" is to play 1980s pop over sequences. Elsewhere he thinks a grunting tree and a talking raccoon alone constitute "wittiness", as though the duo's mere presence somehow turns bad writing original.
Our hero, Peter Quill, is himself a weird bag of juxtapositions. Quill's supposedly a space rascal, a lovable archetype in the vein of Han Solo or Mal Reynolds. But this "resourceful underdog" archetype doesn't work if he's also an insanely muscular, man-child. We the audience are never sure if Quill is clever, dashing, lazy, disciplined, funny, strong, weak, stupid, a virgin, a stud, naive, a rogue or an idiot on steroids. Han Solo was consistent. Quill's Flash Gordon with a Ken doll's IQ.
"Galaxy's" best sequences involve Quill and his buddies escaping from an orbital prison. It also contains one good running gag in which Rocket tricks people into stealing body parts. The rest of Gunn's film – its "heroic sacrifices", its "A New Hope" inspired climax, its CGI dogfights and endless fisticuffs – unfolds as per formula. Co-starring John C. Riley, Zoe Saldana, Benecio Del Toro and Glenn Close.
6/10 – Worth one viewing.