Expected much, much more.

Rating: 3/10 (19 April 2007)

I saw this movie for free, but still felt ripped off because I won't be able to get coverage payment for the lobotomy it'll take to remove this 3.25 hour block of idiocy from my memories.
The only parts of this movie that were actually significant to me were the excellent trailers and some choice Kurt Russell scenes. I of course am going to be told I "just don't get it" or that I "must be too dumb to see the point", but I do understand what they were trying to do, and they failed to make this movie double-feature what it could have been.
First of all, I used to love seeing cheap, crappy horror flicks by the dozen. Planet Terror was definitely not that. The movie cost about 19.975 million dollars more to make than any of those good ol' flicks, hence it was not cheap but overdone in an attempt to make it feel that way. When you're using a massive amount of special effects to make it look cheesy and crappily made, HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? If they were really going to do a cult horror movie in a true homage, it should have been shot the same way too - that poor production was part of what made them fun and entertaining and classic. So, Planet Terror was what could have been a great mind-numbing zombie romp, but turned out to be a cut of fillet mignon cooked extra crispy. And there are few things more disappointing than overdoing what could have been wonderful.
Second, if I wanted to get an hour of airheaded girltalk dialog that had no real point whatsoever, I could have turned on WE on TV or gone to a local highschool or two. Tarantino took one thing that always bothered me a little bit about his otherwise-excellent films and saturated this one with it - he just made me feel like he was out to prove once again that he can fit a lot of big words and sentences and profanity into any given conversation that takes place, ever. There is nothing interesting about taking 4 girls babbling about the same things over and over and stretching it to coat a major portion of a movie. EVER. Yeah, I know you can write, Tarantino, I've seen your good movies. Kurt Russell was excellent in his part, and the action scenes were one of the only redeeming parts of this whole mess they threw together.
So go for the awesome trailers interspersed throughout, see Kurt Russell get medieval on some frustratingly annoying girls, and make sure your theater has comfortable seats for the other 2.5 hours of nap time you stand to get out of this one.