Funnier than a heavy dose of laughing gas

Rating: 1/10 (3 February 2006)

"Green Street Hooligans" would be a fantastic film were it a comedy. Unfortunately we're supposed to take this lame attempt at documenting the culture of football hooliganism seriously. This film is riddled with clichés. The cultured, well-heeled yank to the "cockerneys" from "darn saaff" giving it all "apples and pears", "knees up Muvver Braaan!"... Quite why a cultured middle class American midget would be attracted to the bunch of neanderthal morons that make up the football firm is beyond comprehension, they're about as attractive as a particularly nasty dose of clap. The main sentiment of the movie seems to be "Violence is OK as a means to an end" and "Journalism is the mother of all evils". Ridiculous! The characters are so over the top it's more like a Carry-On version of football hooliganism than anything of true merit or worth. They're all here, the Cockerney wide-boy with a heart of gold who sacrifices himself at the movies climax to save his friend, the disillusioned firm member who betrays his mates and redeems himself before the final whistle, the rival firm "Boss" who is a complete psycho but is misunderstood because hey, you know, he lost his son in a previous fight.. like you do.. there's even room for the "retired" firm leader, who tries to steer our "hero" away from the meaningless violence but ultimately ends up "carved up" for his troubles. I spent about 95 percent of this garbage laughing, as will anyone with an ounce of intelligence. The funniest moment for me though was the scene where "Bov" or whatever his name is stands on a bench near Tower Bridge clutching a bottle of Smirnoff warbling "I'm forever blowing bubbles" into the night sky. All the film needed was Simon Cowell to appear and offer some sage advice on his delivery. And to top it all the final "battle" scene is played out to a MOR American rock ballad. No, seriously... This movie wasn't only badly written, directed and acted, it was out of step with time and reality. It would have made slightly more sense had it been set in the late 1970s or early 1980s. Sure, you'll always get morons fighting at football matches but the culture that this movie spews out died a long time ago, thank God. Awful. But the Yanks will probably love it. "Knees up Muvver Riley!!!"