Old men are a little cooler than middle-aged men, but that still isn't saying much.

Rating: 1/10 (30 January 2009)

I should have gone with my gut instinct and used the 2 hours and 57 minutes and the $10 that I used on this film to go to the bowling alley and stare awkwardly at senior citizens. I would have gotten infinitely more from that experience than I got from Gran Torino.
Exactly as to be expected with these types of "fine cinema" films, Gran Torino uses up the majority of its runtime watching an old man walk around and talk. It uses a very littlehonestly, next-to-noneof its runtime actually telling a STORY. (I put that in all caps because it's something I'll reference again in this review.) To give Gran Torino a little bit of credit, I these boring talking scenes aren't nearly as boring as I expected. While most modern so-called "action" movies focus on nothing but watching middle-aged men talk about a 1-dementional plot that the average person could come up with in a coma, Gran Torino does the exact same thing, but with an older man, who is a little more interesting than the norm. I give the movie that. And that's all I give it. For the typical drama that it was, it had a couple cute lines of dialogue. I'm not going to rave about Clint Eastwood's acting, because, honestly, I didn't see anything special about it. There's nothing impressive about an old man playing and old man. You might as well have asked Clint Eastwood to play Clint Eastwood, and people would literally bathe him in Oscars and perfect-score reviews for it. So, in other words, what I'm trying to say is this. Gran Torino isn't the worst movie I've seen by a long shot. An old man giving out cliché speeches is cooler than a middle-aged man complaining about his wife, but that doesn't mean it's good.
In fact, Gran Torino really isn't really good at all. People will only see it as good because it's watchable, and most people can't even remember the last movie they saw that didn't bore them to utter tears. The entertainment industry as a whole has sunk so low that movies like this stand out as something that passes time. If a movie can pass time without putting you to sleep, then, by God, it's good. No, it's great. No, it's one of the best movies you've ever seen in your life! Forgive me, but I'm not quite that easily influenced. Just because Gran Torino passed time without boring me too much, I'm not going to give it a good review. Why? Because at heart, it's just another cliché, pansy excuse at a heartfelt life-changing movie, and I'm sick of the same godforsaken story every time I walk into my godforsaken movie theater. (Replace "godforsaken" with your preferred choice of harsh language that this site censors.) If I sound angry, it's because I am. I read somewhere that a lady threw up due to the heavy use of racial slurs in this film. That didn't bother me. What bothered me is that I'm sick of movies like this getting produced, and I'm even sicker of them getting good scores.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about STORY. Does anyone reading this even know that that ancient term means? There was once a time when movies actually had a STORY to tell, not just some average acting praised up to the point absurdity. STORY is the sole thing that Gran Torino doesn't have, and it makes it soulless. It makes it forgettable. If there is any "deep morality" is Gran Torino, it's not the cliché sayings about life/death that Eastwood wanted us to talk away from it. No, it's the satire in us sitting and watching people talk for 2 hours and 57 minutes without a single plot point until the last half hour. Then, even when there is a plot, it's a pathetic cliché. It's almost humorous to me. Mid-way through the movie I got a phone call on my cell from a friend. What that call made me realize is that I have a life with people more interesting to talk to than Gran Torino even knew how to present. Instead of living my life, I was sitting there watching clichés live theirs on a screen. Do I sound like a rambling old man? Maybe. But, whippersnapper, I have a point: What is the point of watching a movie if it doesn't show us something we can't see/hear walking down the street? That's the killing blow in Gran Torino. It has no story. It has nothing to say we can't hear in the car driving home. Is it completely devoid of all entertainment value? No. In the end, is it pointless? Absolutely.
When the 1-demntional plot eventually happens, it's completely throw-away. Without spoiling the predictable ending, Gran Torino is one of the many modern films that builds racial tension to the breaking point, then spews out clichés at the climax. If the climax had ended on a more original note, it would have not only gotten a higher score for me, but it would have been much more thought-provoking. Also, on a much less stern note, the racial jokes really stopped being funny after the third time Clint repeated each of them. By the 15th time he repeated each of them, they became just downright immature and lacked any creativity at all.
I'll conclude with one of the "deep morals" Gran Torino teaches. Ironically, instead of having its self-proclaimed balls, it plays into every safe, unoriginal idea that every movie just like it uses. As much as Clint's character (and movie) spouts off about not being a pansy, Gran Torino within itself is nothing but a "25-year-old virgin that gets confessions by holding the hands of old ladies." Instead of having the balls to be different, Gran Torino is just another face in the unoriginal crowd. Oh, the irony. Or more accurately: Oh, the hypocrisy.
2/10