Old-Time Hockey ... Eddie Shore ... Eddie Shore ...

Rating: 9/10 (29 August 2012)

Just wow ... that's all I can say ... I never expected to see another sports movie let alone another in the very small hockey genre that would approach the all-time classic, "Slap Shot", but this is the little goon that could. Outstanding flick that any hockey fan would love. While I see many people here talking about the ridiculousness of the fighting, frankly, I stopped watching hockey after they made so many pussy rule changes after the Broad Street Bullies fought, gouged and chewed their way to a Stanley Cup. That was hockey, my friends, and "Goon" lives up to the great names of Bobby Clarke and Dave "The Hammer" Schultz (I guess we'll have to say "The Original Hammer" now after during the credits of this movie we see a minor league goon with the same nickname) and the legend of Dave "The Family" Manson who played for the Blackhawks in the 90s and broke Schultz' long-standing single-season penalty minutes record and they didn't even include the 20-some games he was suspended that year (the longest suspension coming when he returned to the ice after ejected and saw on the TV that the fight was still going on and returned to the ice to dive into a small pile ... unfortunately, a ref happened to be tangled up in the small pile and so he was suspended even longer ... but amazingly enough, Manson learned to be a good player and not just a goon. But that was a wonderful season we all look back on with a little tear in our eye for that wonderful 150-lbs goon ... yeah you read that right ... this guy was the size of Wayne "The Pussy" Gretske and fought like The Hammer. Unbelievable! Now that's hockey, my friends.
Great hockey movies are pretty rare. But "Goon" is right behind "Slap Shot" as the greatest. This should be a double-feature on the first and last day of hockey season. Great swearing in this movie also and since most of it is done by a kid with a Boston accent (the lovable sidekick played by Jay Baruchel who really is the only young guy now who can pull off the pretty annoying sidekick needed in any movie like this) or by Canadians (it's a minor league hockey movie so you can't swing a broken goalie mask without hitting one) or by guys missing half a dozen of their front teeth you need to watch it a few times to catch all the very creative swearing.
Seann William Scott plays the lead, the Goon, and does a great job. He's been in every dumb movie aimed at the dumb kid or drunk and dumb adult demographic since "American Pie" (perhaps the worst excuse for a comedy ever made) ... all those movies are the same just with different character names which baffles me as to why they even bother changing the names. Like it would make a difference.
But he does a good job here delivering on the very dumb BUT self-aware Goon. This is really an important part of the film. His parents try to tell him he's smart enough to do anything, to become a doctor, like they are. And he says no, I'm not. I'm dumb.
This is revelatory in this comedy since most scripts would just keep him being dumb, everyone calling him dumb, and him nodding like a bobble-head dog in the back window of an Impala. But he realizes he's dumb and what's more, he realizes that being a hockey goon, contributing to the team, is the best thing he can do in his life. It's his "thing". Early in the movie he complains, again in a surprising moment of self-awareness, that his friend has his "thing" (his best buddy does a local cable access hockey show and website), his parents have their "doctor thing", but he doesn't have a thing. We see him hardly going through the motions of being a bouncer at a local bar. The boss having to point out things he should be doing, having to prod him to pound the bejesus out of a troublesome customer when he was already stopping at just a good old alley ass kicking. This young man is searching. He's searching like Grasshopper in Kung Fu, searching for his place in this world, searching for his thing. It's a deep philosophical thing most of you won't grasp but don't let it deter you from this fine film.
And he finds it. And on top of that, he finds the love of his life, the heavy boozing and very slutty local hockey bimbo played quite convincingly by the adorable Alison Pill. And when she tells him that he makes her feel like "she wants to stop sleeping with a bunch of guys all the time" well my friends, this old hockey fan's eyes were pretty damp I must admit. Just like Rhett telling Scarlet, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" brings a tear to everyone's eyes, well that is the same feeling, the same depth of emotion this little slut brings to that scene. (Oh, that might have sounded like I was saying that the actress Pill was a slut ... I actually don't know if she is .. though if she is and if she reads this, please drop me a line honey. I'll help you get through those horny nights, no problem).
So break out the foil, look up Eddie Shore's stats, bite down hard on your lip and taste some blood, then wash that down with some Lebatt or Molson and pop this flick in for the first of a hockey double-header with "Slap Shot".
You won't mind losing a tooth when you stumble to the bathroom to vomit and trip over your adolescent daughter and bash your mouth against the bowl. You'll rejoice in looking like a goon.