A Cavalcade of "Deepities"

Rating: 1/10 (11 October 2014)

I've always considered David Fincher to be one of the greatest directors of all time (though 'Zodiac' was a mind-numbing, energy-draining train wreck, and 'Fight Club' is one of the most pathetic excuses for brute-masculinity-worshiping, apocalypse-craving, self-righteous, pseudo-philosophical, sexist-in-both-directions garbage I've ever seen, and possibly the most overrated film of all time, though there are certainly a few other contenders for that title). Still, Fincher was also responsible for 'Se7en', which is, by my index, one of the most powerful, engrossing, genre-defining films of the last few decades, not to mention his relatively recent direction of the brilliant 'The Social Network', his previous stewardship of 'The Game', and his laudable work on 'House of Cards'. So I was relatively certain, especially given its largely stellar reviews and a personal recommendation from one of my best friends, that after I went to see 'Gone Girl' this evening, I would have, at the very least, moderately enjoyed it, if not referring to it as a "modern masterpiece". In the end, what I enjoyed most about it was the pervasive running criticism in my head.
I am locked in the throes of the biting emotional disappointment and vitriol this film just inspired in me, so my feelings are probably influencing me to go overboard with this particular slaughter, but I'm going to say this anyway: THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS I'VE EVER SEEN (and no, I'm quite sure that that is not an exaggeration)! It's not quite in my bottom 10 or 20, nor will it be, but it lives merely inches above them on my list (in Size-10 font), still swirling the soil at the bottom of the toilet bowl. It is an insult to whatever audiences it victimizes. It is, to borrow a word from one of my intellectual heroes, Daniel Dennett, a cavalcade of "deepities", as if a bad soap opera graduated to the big screen and suddenly got a little better at passing itself off as important and hoodwinking its viewers into swallowing its not-so-well-veiled insults at modern culture, marriage, men, women, logic, and law enforcement. Don't get me wrong: these are all things which are imperfect, and which often have aspects which beg for condemnation, but said condemnation for its own sake, or for the sake of uniqueness or political correctness or rebellion or ostentation, and built on a quagmire of its own obvious narcissism, doesn't convince, but rather sickens. And for all the moments it could have had in its Brobdingnagian duration, it found no honesty in any of them. SPOILERS AHEAD (though they might not all be well-understood by those who haven't seen the film)
1. First of all, nobody in their right mind would believe Rosamund Pike's character after she "comes back from being kidnapped and raped" and gushes about her "loving and misunderstood husband", a story that most everyone in the general public (and the FBI, in one of the film's countless absurdities) seems to fall for, 'Gone Girl' equating the American general public and the FBI with Charlie Brown, and Pike with Lucy.
2. I really do wonder if Ben Affleck has ever had a single truly honest moment in front of a camera, whether in interviews as himself (one quite recently with Sam Harris and Bill Maher, among others), or in his ridiculous movies playing wooden characters ('Daredevil', 'Jersey Girl', 'Gigli', 'Pearl Harbor', 'The Town', and now 'Gone Girl', to name a few). He is somnolent and one-dimensional, with rarely a hint of color.
3. I know a film is bad when my absolute favorite thing about it, not to mention the most convincing thing, is a character played by Tyler Perry. What a joke.
4. This film tries to convince us that all or most men are lascivious, shallow sex-pigs who only care about women into whom they have a chance of inserting their penises, and into whom they wish to do so, and that all or most women are manipulative, vindictive, masterfully-controlling, mind-reading femme-fatale-potentials, who are always putting on a face for everyone, who are so complex and misunderstood and deep and brilliant, and who only want husbands who are completely spineless and too afraid to stand up to them, and whose love of anyone but themselves is not but a well-crafted charade. Such notions are not only adolescent stereotypes (and pathetically tired and pedestrian, even for that age group), but bear little, if any, relationship to reality. Reality is far more nuanced, more interesting, and more pleasurable, with many more twists and turns. And both men and women are aggregates that consist of mostly very good people, despite many examples to the contrary. Norman Bates really isn't that common in real life.
5. Neil Patrick Harris' character (the worst-cast character in the whole story) made no sense. It is not believable that he would side with Pike after everything she put him through before, when she set him up similarly to the way she set Affleck up, and it is not believable that he would keep in contact with her or let her into his house. The film is just littered with increasingly-laughable implausibilities.
6. The scene where Affleck and Pike meet is one of the worst-written scenes of dialogue or human interaction I've ever witnessed, far more absurd than anything from 'Titanic' or 'Dawson's Creek' or 'Twilight', and far more nausea-inducing. I expected so much more from David Fincher, though I guess the dialogue is Gillian Flynn's fault. Still, he should've fixed it.
To conclude, I beg of everyone who reads this: please don't contribute money to this film! Seriously, you could inevitably be doing something far more valuable with both your time and said money, and films like this should stop being made.