By the numbers, tepid tosh

Rating: 1/10 (27 July 2015)

If only Seth McFarlane or the Zucker brothers would have a go at a movie like this. At least there'd be a giggle or two.
So much wrong with this movie it's hard to know where to start so I'll make an orderly list.
SPOILER ALERT
1) The two Muto creatures looked more metallic than flesh and blood. whoever designed the creatures needs to take a course in basic entomology as I assume they were supposed to be insect based. A 5 year old with some plasticine and a crocodile clip could have created a more convincing monster. Godzilla too was farcical, I mean a gigantic dinosaur with the head the size of a pea.
2) Towards the end Godzilla was losing the fight against the two Muto's but they were distracted by the burning of their egg chamber (nice steal from Aliens) and they left Godzilla alive. A little later a recovered Godzilla suddenly remembers that he can breathe fire and so quite easily kills his two monstrous enemies in their next encounters. Why not use the fire breathing weapon in the earlier fight?
3) People are sat in homes and bars watching 24/7 news coverage of these three enormous monsters rampaging over their cities but then seem shocked and horrified when the roof of their building collapses under the weight of a Mutu. How did they not know that the monster was just down the road? They were watching it all on live TV for god's sake.
4) Our hero is left in charge of a little Japanese boy who gets separated from his parents in the panic. Later they arrive at an area full of tens of thousands of displaced people and the little boy wanders off and finds his parents straight away. Yeah right.
5) People walk around unprotected in areas that would be so highly radioactive your skin would melt from your skin (and I'm not talking about the earlier scene where Brian Cranstone returned to where his wife had died).
I could say so much more. Suffice to say this version of Godzilla was a witless, artless, clueless insult to the intelligence. If it had included any wit at all or adopted a tongue-in-cheek attitude it might have been an OK popcorn movie. However it is so po-faced and earnest in the handling of this preposterous nonsense that you just end up laughing all the way through it anyway.
I can only imagine that Brian Cranstone and Juliet Binoche begged to be killed off early so they could escape the stigma of being too closely connected to this dogs breakfast of a movie. The great David Strathhairn too should've known better.