Godzilla (2014) *1/2

Rating: 4/10 (17 May 2014)

The stench of Emmerich's 1998's GODZILLA remake has been permeating in my nostrils for 16 years, so when I heard that Gareth Edwards was going to attempt a serious new 2014 reboot with Godzilla more or less resembling himself, I figured I'd give it a try. Besides, Toho Studios in Japan hasn't made a new Godzilla picture in something like 10 years... so what's the worst that could happen? If this new version flops at the box office, Godzilla remains dormant. If it succeeds, the possibilities are endless - perhaps even for Toho to return to their own series. So I was willing to give this the benefit of the doubt.
The new GODZILLA doesn't suck as hard as the '98 remake did, but it still does nibble quite a bit. The main problem is that it takes forever for Godzilla to appear - something for like one hour into this bloated 123 minute feature. Now, I've always been a viewer who mostly prefers fleshed-out characters and intriguing story development over all-out brainless action ... but this is a Godzilla movie, damn it! I didn't check the time, but I wonder if Godzilla was seen on screen for 10 minutes total; it was like he was giving a cameo appearance in his own movie. And if you're going to attempt a dramatic first act or two with characters in an action-oriented premise, you'd better make them interesting. Unfortunately, the leads here are strictly one-dimensional. As the young lead hero, Aaron Taylor-Johnson is an expressionless cardboard cut-out. His wife (Elizabeth Olsen) does not make much deeper of an impression. The lead Japanese doctor (Ken Watanabe) barely has much to do other than stand around looking seriously constipated. (Of course, they couldn't help naming the token Japanese doctor "Serizawa", after a character in the original 1954 GODZILLA; why do these makers of lesser reboots always think they're going to score points by name-checking people and things from older movies?). There were some semi-interesting early sequences featuring Bryan Cranston as the young hero's dad, but even he began to wear on my nerves after awhile.
Twice I seriously considered walking out of the theater. The first time was after squirming too long in waiting for Godzilla to show his face (seemed like an hour, or longer); the second time was, after finally seeing him, getting continuously c**k-teased -- more than once, when it appeared as though an enticing action moment was mercifully about to begin, but the scene abruptly cuts away to something else, as if slamming a door in the audience's faces (and that literally happened during one crucial cutaway moment of excitement!). While I think of it, isn't it quite a coincidence how the main characters always seem to be right there each time a building falls or a monster sticks its head forward? It's also a small world even amongst hundreds of scattered victims, as they still manage to find their missing loved one amidst the hysteria.
Some good things: first, I think it was wise to not make this another "origin movie"; instead, it's as if Godzilla has always existed, but has been laying low for many years. Which leads me to the second good thing: having Godzilla awaken as a helper to mankind (I've always felt that a typical scenario with a villainous Godzilla angrily smashing the city gets tired really fast after one film). Third: having two other evil monsters for Godzilla to battle with -two gigantic, robot-like, insect-beasties (one male, one female). When these three monsters are ultimately allowed to tussle together, this resembles a true Godzilla movie and the effects are quite spectacular; regrettably, by this time it's too late. It's what we came here for, but there are times in viewing cinema where a plodding movie has over-stepped its welcome and is beyond total redemption. *1/2 out of ****