dim as filmmakers' brains

Rating: 3/10 (17 November 2014)

Why do filmmakers love so much to shoot their new crap in the dark? Do they really think it will give more suspense to their crippled plots and non-existent intrigues? Or is it just to save money on props, make-up and SFX? The usual result, like in the new Godzilla, is totally unwatchable, with bits and pieces of misguided action badly glued together by stretches of some dark matter (probably filmmakers' brains).
The team seems to be proud of the fact that Godzilla is actually shown for only ten minutes in this over-two-hours-long movie, but there's nothing to be proud of. Let's be honest, in monster movies we want to see monsters, not your cardboard characters' contorted faces. They also seem to take some pride in the fact that their monsters are more realistic than the original ones (Â…someone from Toho saw him in the 1950s and ran back to the studio to make a movie about the creature and was trying their best to remember and draw itÂ… - I quote the trivia here). Come on. The man in his ridiculous rubber suit was far more terrifying than your digital creations that move like Lego transformers (and sound like ones, too). You sensed real madness and terror there.
To boot, the music is toxically bad. I really don't know how they still hire notorious M. Desplat to do soundtracks, honestly.
After watching it, my wife and I thought about writing a manual on how to make your own Godzilla movie at home. First, you have to crawl into some dark space with creepy acoustics, like into the cabinet under your kitchen sink. You have to have two graphic novels with you (different, preferably no relation to each other), a flashlight, and a small but resilient dog (or cat). Tie the flashlight to the dog (or cat). Turn it on. Start reading your graphic novels to each other at the top of your voices, showing panels to each other with no regard to their continuity, while kicking your dog (or cat) around the insides of the place with creepy acoustics you're in. It won't let the animal fall asleep and provide you with desired lighting effects. Don't hurt the animal, you'll need it for the sequel or the next franchise reboot.
The result will be the same, the radio show "Dinosaurs in a Tunnel."