Godzilla is Godawful

Rating: 1/10 (14 September 2014)

I think it would be best if I first establish two things. 1) I am a huge Godzilla fan. 2) Whenever I go to see a movie I go in with a neutral attitude as I don't want to be over-hyped or expecting nothing so I can simply take the movie for what it is without any pre-conceived notions. Having said that, this movie was terrible. For a movie titled Godzilla there is surprisingly little Godzilla in it. I certainly hope that you weren't expecting to see the famous monster in this film at all because there is probably only collectively 5-10 minutes of him in the 123 minute long movie, and no I'm not exaggerating. Beyond that, this movie has no intelligent thought. Any creativity in story, characters, and concept that could have existed is replaced by a cesspool of the most worn-out clichés possible. Starting out at the beginning of the film we have cliché number 1, the work-a-holic father who's never at home but somehow is shockingly sensitive and deeply in love with his wife and is only working hard because he is just so "driven" and "passionate" and wants to take care of his family; of course. And naturally he has a doting wife who is just as generic and bland as he is, oh but don't fear, she's hard working too but not so independent that she won't readily put herself back into the role of a tamed housewife; someone the ladies can relate to as you can see. And they have a bland and personality-less son who the movie so pretentiously expects you to become invested in within the first ten minutes despite knowing nothing about him and him having no relatable qualities to speak of. After a tragic accident kills our Mary-Sue wife the father evolves from cliché level 1 to cliché level 2: the obsessed truth-seeker. Yes, years after his wife dies in the "accident" the husband is trying to discover what caused the destructive earth tremor that killed his wife and so naturally because of his desire for the truth he can have no relationship with his son who is also now at cliché level 2, living in America with a generic wife and child of his own and feasting off of his resentment toward his father while bringing home the bacon as a soldier. Of course this movie staying true to the life of real soldiers, presents that he has an ultra-modern, expensive house with a perfect relationship with his wife and child with absolutely no problems to speak of. After a bunch of bland and clichéd exposition and terrible acting he reunites unhappily with his dad to discover the truth about the earth tremors, two insect-like monsters are freed from the earth, Godzilla is awakened and decides to go after the monsters, and the US army seems to be the only ones doing anything about the problem despite the movie clearly showing that the insect monsters have devastated other countries (I guess the armies of those countries just took a vacation so we could make ours the center of attention; how nice of them). So what is there to hate about this? Everything. The soundtrack is like the leftover scrap music from Transformers. The characters are clichéd, boring, one-dimensional (can they be half dimensional? I think that's a better description), un-relatable, and completely impossible to invest in despite the movie's attempts to make you feel that you should be. From beginning to end the movie is dark and washed out looking and spends too much time on nonsense and not enough time on what really matters. It showcases poor movie writing at its best as the movie has no idea what to focus on or what it is even really about. It is just a mishmash of special effects which you barely get to look at since the action scenes are so sloppily filmed that everything is blurred or can't be focused on, giving you no time to appreciate even that much about the film. The storyline (if you can call it that) has more holes than Hugh Hefner has had girls. The pacing is rushed in some spots and painfully slow in others; most Dora the Explorer episodes are better paced and more exciting than this. Nothing about the mood or presentation of the film says "Godzilla" and is a disgrace to the classic legacy of Godzilla. And for those who are Godzilla fans and have seen the dreadful 1998 film, yes, this one is just as bad. And of course the film has almost no Godzilla in it and the ending battle with Godzilla is a poorly filmed, sloppy, rushed, and completely bland and un-creative end to a lifeless movie, so if you were hoping that at least the climax of the film was going to be worth all of your suffering, think again. Do not waste your time. Unless you are a fan of watching a movie devoid of everything except for random action, shouting, American egotism, worn out clichés, and special effects then do not watch this movie.