An astounding film, for all the wrong reasons

Rating: 2/10 (16 May 2014)

The original "Godzilla" (1954) has had 27 remakes. Remember the 1998 "Godzilla"? The one with the planned sequels that never happened because it was a Razzie-winning bomb? In terms of everything but the visual effects, it was better than this one. In fact, I wondered if this director, a certain Gareth Edwards, was influenced by its director, Roland Emmerich, who is reigning king of big & cheesy cinema (though "2012" had merits). If Edwards did choose to emulate Emmerich, then we know all we need to about his motives ($) and his integrity as an artist ($$$).
Yet, astoundingly, this "Godzilla" has a redeeming quality: It could be taught in film school: Film 101: How NOT to Make a Movie.
The screenplay is almost a tour de force of corny dialog. It might be the result of writer Max Borenstein meticulously collecting all the trite dialog in horror films since "The Monster Walks" (1932, with an IMDb rating of 3.9). The writing is the worst flaw, of course, because it's so basic, but even the sound and sound editing, which action pictures have perfected, is amateurish. It reminded me of Spinal Tap: turned up to 11. Ditto the score, which was written by the usually reliable Alexandre Desplat (he provided the only reason to see "Grand Budapest Hotel"). I wasn't the only person sitting in the theater with 3-D glasses on my face and my fingers in my ears.
The characters are-- well, there aren't any. The two leads, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen, were ciphers, but they're cast together in "Avengers: Age of Ultron" (2015), so let's hope Joss Whedon can elicit lifelike performances from them. Genuine talents that are wasted include Sally Hawkins, Ken Watanabe, David Straithairn, Richard T. Jones, Juliette Binoche, and Bryan Cranston, who here proves that even an actor at the top of his game can stink up the joint.
Gareth Edwards appears to know nothing about how to structure a story, control action, direct actors, or even manage continuity. Based on "Godzilla," he should have stuck to his original career in visual effects. The action scenes here, once the plot lands in San Francisco, are skillfully done and fun to watch. Godzilla itself (himself? herself?) is also a fun creation, as are the Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms (MUTOs), but that may be because Andy Serkis consulted behind the scenes.