Double Feature!

Rating: 6/10 (31 May 2014)

So, yesterday I went to see this and X-Men. Good times, I rarely get to indulge my inner critic like that. I've reviewed a few movies on this site now, so I think it's fair to let everyone in on how I come up with my star ratings. I assign 5 stars to story and 5 stars to production value. The original Die Hard would get at least a 9 star rating from me using that criteria, for example. Now, on to the main event!
A lot of work went into the making of this film and it shows. When the monsters show up, you truly need surround sound to appreciate the cacophony that goes along with it. You've got the screaming of terrified onlookers, gunfire, explosions, the heavy footsteps of creatures that weigh thousands of tons, crumbling buildings, even rushing water. Godzilla himself looks like he has been eating at McDonald's for a few years, but it was satisfying to see him realized in such detail.
Unfortunately, that takes a back seat to the human element and that's where I had to knock off some stars. I'll give an example of what I mean. The very first time the audience gets a clear look at Godzilla, he looks inconceivably irate at this other monster, roars at it and...smash cut to a little boy watching the fight on television without any of that concussive noise the audience had grown to appreciate. By the way, that kid was awful. He seemed more like a stage prop, especially in that scene where his mother tells him repeatedly to turn off the TV until he goes: 'Look, mom! Dinosaurs!' No. Let's try that again with an actual kid who would probably pull their mom's arm off (to say nothing of her poor ear drums) trying to drag her over to see this miraculous news coverage.
Remember how heavily featured Bryan Cranston was in the trailers? Well, he has about 20 minutes of screen time. Sorry! The story, if you can call it that, is about his son who I'm going to call Breaking Bad Jr. because I don't remember his name. He's trying to get home to his wife and plank of wood son. That's about it. I wouldn't complain, except this is the focus of the movie. Godzilla himself is more like a background event and--uh-oh. It's time to play my favorite game! Wtf, Movie?!
The male and female cockroach creatures supposedly evolved to feed on radiation, so why do they have teeth? Wtf, Movie?!
Godzilla is said to hunt these things, but he never eats them after killing them. Wtf, Movie?!
Godzilla is the title character of the movie, but he has less screen time than Breaking Bad Jr. who I personally found it hard to care about because he and his family are extremely bland. Wtf, Movie?!
They study the male cockroach by feeding it radiation while it's gestating, then they are positively SHOCKED that this could cause trouble even though they could have killed it at any point before then with electricity. Do they not know how an autopsy works? Wtf, Movie?!
Godzilla should have been the focus of this movie, is all I'm saying. When he killed the male cockroach with a swipe of his tail, I (who had been utterly silent up until this point of the movie) abruptly stood up and shouted in the middle of a crowded theater: 'Hell yeah! Hit em again!' 6 out of 10 and 6 of those stars come from Godzilla vomiting atomic fire down the female cockroach's throat. On to X-Men!