The Narcissistic Exploits of Capitalist-Pig Producers In the Hunt for a Quick Buck!

Rating: 3/10 (28 January 2001)

In this film, laughingly called Gladiator, there's all the glitz and glamour, the sets and costumes, the special effects, and actors necessary to make a decent film, but they completely miss the mark. Well, you've probably seen this movie and you're thinking to yourself, I don't see how someone could say that... And on the surface, the film does have two redeeming aspects... the cinematography, which I must admit is awesome, and Russell Crowe in a little blue dress. However, this beautiful, big-budget movie lacks one seemingly minor, but key element: a substantive plot. Although excessive violence, a forced hero, a sexy heroine, and a stint with incest may look like the makings of a great film, Gladiator would only measure approximately twenty-five minutes if you removed all the fight scenes. You could probably get more plot from watching the Superbowl than watching this film. In the first ten minutes of the film you know exactly what will happen in this movie and how it will end. We've all seen this movie before with a better leading man, a smarter heroine, a crueler and more tyrannical ruler, and an actual plot. It's called BRAVEHEART and it won five, count 'em FIVE Oscars! This piece of trash that calls itself a movie is not even fit to be considered Braveheart's little sister. First of all, Maximus Decimus Meridius (Russell Crowe) is not there to save his people. He's there simply to get revenge on Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix), a ruler who's only concern is lifting the skirt of his babalicious sister, a woman who just happens to be madly in love with Maximus (shocker there). Why does Maximus want revenge? Hmm, because his beloved wife and son, people who are barely in the movie and hence receive little pity from the audience, are savagely butchered. Haven't we seen this before? So Maximus is forced to fight for his life. Yada yada yada. This lasts about two hours. He does the usual stuff... He kicks ass, makes adversaries into friends, and shows off his shapely legs in a little powder blue dress... most fetching. Then obviously, he faces the odious Commodus in a final fight scene so that he may unleash his terrible wrath. Woo. And he is, much like William Wallace, killed and reunited with his dearly departed. Filmmakers today think that they can pass off a movie that everyone's already seen as something new by dazzling them with sparkly lights and flashy special effects. I'd like to point out that basically everything from Braveheart, even the Australian-accented Russell Crowe trying to be Mel Gibson, has been replicated but as with most copies, it ain't as good as the original. And yes, this year's movie-pickings have been slim, but that doesn't make it good by default.