Caesarean Shlock

Rating: 5/10 (9 December 2009)

Suffering through "Gladiator," director Ridley Scott's long-winded and sloppily staged Roman soldier epic, whetted my appetite for those glorious sword and sandal sagas that Hollywood produced in the 1950s and the 1960s. Guts, gusto, and grandeur distinguished spectacles such as Melvyn Leroy's "Quo Vadis" (1951), Delmar Daves' "Demetrius and the Gladiators" (1954), William Wyler's "Ben-Hur" (1959), Stanley Kubrick's Spartacus" (1960), and Anthony Mann's "The Fall of the Roman Empire" (1964). Although it borrows bits and pieces from those cinematic classics, "Gladiator" lacks the passion and charisma which made those movies memorable. Meticulously crafted with stunning, state-of-the-art, digital special effects that recreate ancient Rome, "Gladiator" chronicles the tragic fate of a valiant general betrayed and enslaved, who returns as a gladiator to wreak vengeance on a wicked emperor
While brawny Russell Crowe gives a thumbs-up performance, he is defeated by a thumbs-down script that resembles an uninspired rehash of the Clint Eastwood classic "The Outlaw Josey Wales" in a toga with a chicken-hearted villain and a humdrum finale. The action unfolds in Germania in 180 A.D. General Maximus (Russell Crowe of "The Insider") wins a brutal battle for his dying emperor, Caesar Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris of "Unforgiven"), against a Danubian horde. Caesar despises his depraved son Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix of "Clay Pigeons") and makes Maximus the protector of Rome. Marcus wants Rome returned to the people and he trust Maximus and Maximus only to make this happen. When Commodus learns the bad news, he suffocates his dear old dad in his tent. At Marcus Aurelius' death bed, Maximus defies Commodus and vows to carry out his late emperor's wishes. Swiftly, Commodus has Maximus arrested and taken out to be executed at dawn. Predictably, Maximus outsmarts his moronic captors and escapes. Riding hard for his sprawling farm in faraway Spain, Maximus arrives too late to save his crucified wife and son. Grief-stricken, he falls prey to a band of slave traders who eventually sell him to Proximo (Oliver Reed of "Hannibal Brooks"). Not only does Proximo teach Maximus how to survive in the arena, but also how to win the kudos of the crowd.
Meanwhile, honoring his father whom he murdered, Commodus revives the gladiator battles in the Coliseum. Proximo shows up with his invincible champion and Commodus gets the shock of his life when he discovers that Maximus is alive. The cheering crowds adore Maximus in the area so the corrupt Commodus plots to kill him outside it.
Director Ridley Scott of "Alien" gums up "Gladiator" with a soap opera subplot about the incest between Commodus and his sister. The "Braveheart" style battle that opens the movie is so murky that you can barely see the combatants. The actors in the sun-drenched fights are better, but Scott dwells more on clashing swords rather than hair-raising choreography. Sadly, Commodus makes such a weak, sniveling villain that you feel no relief when Maximus squares accounts with him. Ultimately, as colorless as the statues of the Roman rules, who adorn the palaces in this bloody bore of a blockbuster, "Gladiator" qualifies as a bust.