I am Maximus, mumble, grunt, rasp!

Rating: 1/10 (26 March 2008)

I can't even describe how much I loath this film, but being a hater I'll try.
Lets begin with the historical representation first. Personally I don't give a hoot if the facts are all wrong, if the uniforms and clothing and use of weaponry are historically incorrect. (People who's concerns about this dragon of a film tend that way, I gave those geeks wedgies in High-school) But the representation of the Roman empire as a benign benefactor spreading civilization through out the world is ludicrous, such sentiments belong to the aforementioned wedgie sufferers and elitist euro-republicans.
Then there's the script, which is a pathetic attempt at lyrical writing, even Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson could do a better job. Never the less, it was amusing in a so-bad-it's-funny sorta way.
And Russel Crowe, let's not forget the torment of watching Russel Crowe act. It's like his brawling: fake and an attempt to hide his 80's new wave rock alter ego; Russ Le Rock. But his constipated stoicism and grunting and mumbling will appear as the classic lone warrior acting to the low-brows who love this film.
Oh, Yes and then there's the music. When I heard Rock like rhythms played over roman soldiers marching, I laughed out loud, usually anachronistic film-scoring is the forté of Asian cinema, that can pull this stunt. The music only got worse, from new-age warbling of Lisa Gerrad to pompous choir passages, that even Howard Shore would be ashamed to use.
This movie was a non wavering onslaught of boredom and cinematic torture, and I for one was happy when the credits rolled.