Horribly generic and clichéd

Rating: 2/10 (16 June 2007)

(written March 2007)
I'm starting to hate these comic book movies. The Spiderman movies were a burst of fun and had great actors, although they were pretty mediocre in the grand scheme of things. Fantastic Four played it safe and was pretty dull and unremarkable, but kinda fun all the same. And this one is just...cheesy as all get out, honestly. This is also the most cliché and deriative movie I've seen...ever, maybe, stealing just about every action cliché imaginable. But more on that in a little bit.
So teenage motorcyclist Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to cure his father's cancer. The next day, his father is killed in a bizarre motorcycle accident, and the devil, Mephistophales, warns Johnny that he'll be back for him someday. Fastforward 15 years or so, and Johnny is on top of the world, a star motorcyclist who does the most dangerous stunts imaginable. By night, he studies religious texts alone in his living room, with books piled upon books, preparing for his "sign." One night, Mephistophales appears to Johnny again, telling him to go after Blackheart, his son, who is aiming to steal a scroll that contains the thousands of souls of the citizens of an old western town. When Johnny's high school sweetheart shows up again, things complicate...
While this movie has some entertaining moments, such as Johnny's stunts on the freeway, it's mostly just dull and clichéd. It's also very cheap and even feels like some stupid 80s B flick at times, although it's supposed to be a world class Hollywood blockbuster. The CGI sucks, but then again, we can't really expect much else. This movie feels really shallow and modernized, too, very clichéd. The romance between Johnny and Roxanne is pretty stereotypical of these kinds of movies, and it feels like the directors just read Die Hard's script and the ones for a couple of 90s superhero cartoons and mashed the romance elements from those into this movie. The acting is nondescript at best, and the directing is pretty standard for these 'superhero' movies, but it seems to lack the epic, cinematic punch that Fantastic Four and Spiderman 2 had. I wish that was all that was wrong with this...
...but this is also the cheesiest chunk of lameness I've ever seen! Seriously, what is this? Just read some of the dialogue for this, especially from our villains, who are reduced to mere cartoon clichés due to their awful, awful lines. Ghost Rider's appearance and that flaming motorcycle are an example of cheese that works, because it's pretty cool sometimes, and in fact, most of what Ghost Rider says was acceptable to me, because I don't mind some cheese, and it's pretty cool. "Your soul is stained with the blood of innocents...look into my eyes!" I can't help but find that cool. The villains are abysmal, though, especially Blackheart, who is meant to be scary and intimidating, but instead makes me snicker at how lame he really is. I didn't feel threatened by him at all through the movie, nor any of his henchmen. And Mephistophales has really bad lines too, not really appearing as evil or foreboding in the least.
I mentioned before that this movie is extremely deriative and cliché of almost every other action/superhero movie out there, and it is. In the first 5 minutes of the movie, Johnny's father is killed, and he swears revenge, and then we see him as this take-no-prisoners, motorcycle-toting adult, who is apparently everyone's big hero now. His high school sweetheart shows up, and she's absolutely gorgeous now, with breasts the size of her head. And we have Johnny's best friend and sidekick, who serves no purpose except to be used as a scapegoat in the end of the film. We have the wise old mentor character, and an evil villain with an evil laugh and dark clothing. Couldn't this be a number of other movies? Can't they do better than this?! I can't really recommend this to anyone, unless you enjoy this much cheese. I have no problem with cheesiness, but this movie crosses the line into the boundaries of absolute lameness, and that's what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with how this movie has no original ideas at all, none. Zip. Nada. Nein. Zero. There are pros to this one, and it's not that terrible, but it's certainly a waste of time. If you want cheesy superhero movies, go rent Spiderman or it's sequel. If you want a good action movie, rent Die Hard. If you want something dark and vengeful, The Crow is a good pick. This one just fails.