Ghost Rider was disappointing to say the least but Cage was still awesome

Rating: 3/10 (18 February 2007)

It's funny because it seems that no one really likes reading a good review of a movie. Good reviews add too much hype to a movie and there's not enough interesting material to make it a good read. A bad review on the other hand can add so much to a movie that it can make even the worst movie good. A bad review is chock full of the author's loathsome feelings towards the movie. It is full of obscure and strange, yet hilarious metaphors about what the author was experience during the time of viewing. They're just... better So, having said that I got the privilege of sitting through a, I'm going to use the word, magnificent film: Ghost Rider. The film begins and we see young Johnny Blaze... yes, Blaze... I know, but it is in fact just a coincidence that his last name is Blaze and has NOTHING to do with the fact that his head turns into a blazing skull. Nothing at all. Now, Johnny has just learned that his dad has cancer. But, don't worry... help is on the way in the form of none other than: Mephistopheles. Help has taken its form in none other than Satan himself. He offers to cure Blaze's dad in return for his soul. Sure, it couldn't hurt right? WRONG! Satan starts to be a real bitch when the next day he kills Blaze's dad in a "motorcycle accident'... Now, he can be a real dick, but do not call him a contract breaker or a liar... for he did neither. So, he tells Blaze that sometime in his life he will call upon him to be his slave, or "the rider", and do chores for him like vacuum hell, fix the drapes, and collect escaped souls... you know the usual.
Flash forward into the future... Blaze is now a famous motorcycle rider who jumps cars and stuff. This is actually the part of the movie that is interesting. He meets his long lost love and they chat and reminisce and just when Blaze thinks he's getting some hot, sweet, Latino loving... the devil calls on him to "ride"! Man... how inconvenient! The devil sticks Blaze on a chopper  an evil chopper  and he will be called Ghost Rider. The reason he needs to ride is Satan's son Blackheart... ha ha not a coincidental name also... has escaped from hell and is threatening to destroy the earth and blah blah blah... boring plot stuff that I'm sure you're not interested in. Now, here's where the movie turns... as does Blaze... into Ghost Rider. He has to go out and defeat Blackheart and his other cronies and send them back to hell in exchange for his soul back. I don't know about you guys but this storyline sounds very familiar doesn't it... can somebody say Schindler's List? The four cronies end up at a train station... the conductor walks out of the control room holding none other than a lantern. A lantern? We can figure out how to bring souls back from hell, but no one has invented a flashlight yet? Then a tumbleweed rolls by. I'm sorry is this 1812 with motorcycles? And don't even get me started on the whole exaggerated finger-pointing fetish he has (for those who have seen it... they know what I'm talking about). So Ghost Rider shows up with computer generated graphics that look so real I find I keep looking at my hands to see if a Playstation controller isn't resting safely in them. All the while Ghost Rider is aided in his quest by a local cemetery caretaker, who pretty conveniently knows everything there is about Ghost Riders, and gives him clues to help him. Thank goodness, right? This is where I black out and dream of happier things like snakebites and stepping on nails, and being in a room with Fran Dresher for 48 hours. I did, however, catch a part where Ghost Rider gets to speak. I'm not sure when Johnny Blaze, cool, literate, clear speaking motorcycle rider got to turn into Ghost Rider the animated, illiterate, half-retarded, skull face with down syndrome! I got the privilege of hearing him say such wonderful phrases like "You... Guilty" and "Go...To... Hell" in a real "Me Tarzan You Jane" sort of manner. The type of lines that you could find only in the funniest of Shakespeare. Haha... oh that guy. When I wake up from my blackout I get to see Ghost Rider pull his"badass" on-fire motorcycle out of a lake with him still riding on it... real Tokyo Drift Style. Bow Wow would be proud. The rest of the movie is just a blur of loud noises and the color orange. By the end of the movie... and I hope I'm not spoiling it for anyone... Ghost Rider has stopped Blackheart and is offered his soul back by the devil. Unfortunately for the devil, Blaze isn't ready to give up that easily. He decides to stay the Ghost Rider to fight the devil forever, kill him and metaphorically make him his bitch. The devil gives the best line of the movie with a long, extended "Noooooooooo". When really I could tell he was thinking "Damn it! I gave him the power... why didn't I make it so I could take it back! Son of a bitch... I can't believe I'm that fickle! Oh bother!" Now, don't get me wrong, Nicolas Cage is one of my favorite actors of all time. And the movie was actually pretty decent when Ghost Rider was not involved, but other than that I've had a better time being sodomized in Mexico by a bandit who was only trying to rob me but unfortunately the night before I lost my wallet while tying up a Mexican stripper and beating her to death with a rock. So, I guess see it... if you want... but maybe just do something more exciting like stealing from the blind.