I am discombobulated

Rating: 3/10 (27 January 2003)

This is a morally bankrupt, confused, fragmented, overly long, logically ridiculous mess of a bad movie. Please explain the greatness of this film, omitting the opinion that it looks good.
*Spoilers*
I have read comments here claiming this movie is realistic. Really though. Street fighting women donning steel claws a lÃ¡ the worst Mad Max inspired Hong Kong action movies. Phony accents. Over-played opera style bad guys. Beautiful 19th century hookers. Comic book sets. Does anyone here believe this is an accurate description of 19th century street life, gang violence and grittiness? It's so stylized it's ridiculous. I really can't understand the criticisms against the violence depicted, since Bugs Bunny seems more realistic and violent to me.
I have read comments here praising moral standpoints of this movie. What??? First off, how the f**k could anyone sympathize with the main character? Sure, his father is killed in a street fight, but his father is a murderous gang leader, presumably no more or less evil than over the top Bill Mr Butcher Dude. But Vallon prays to God and is called Priest, so it's OK for him to murder. Obviously, at this time the *Irish* gangs were good and wholesome, but the English, Polish, Italian gangs were evil and mindless... Yeah sure I really can buy the notion that the Irish gangs were benign, non-racist and egalitarian. They even had a token black, in a role that is *extremely* believable. The notion that in any gang warfare there is a good side and a bad side should appeal to all you half-wits out there.
And the poor mob are good guys too. OK, in a climactic scene they loot, murder, lynch blacks, steal, burn, destroy utilities and try to make the North lose the Civil War, but they really are morally upright. You feel *genuinely* sorry for the mob when the army puts the riot down. Obviously, the mob has a right to cause mayhem and destruction and massacre unhindered. After all, they were being drafted in part to fight against slavery. Why should they do that? They were *clearly* right to murder and steal instead.
So where does this movie stand? Some of the time it seems to side with the rioters plundering wealthy and killing blacks. As a pathetic attempt to deflect criticisms outlined above, it tries to portray the Irish gangs as the non-racist side. This ploy is so obvious and laughable that anyone being fooled by it should buy a brain. Irish police are known to loooove blacks since time immemorial.
A disgusting mercenary killer is shown as a great candidate for high-level law enforcement duties. This guy loots the dead Priest's pockets for blood money, and is still considered a hero by young Mr Pretty Boy Very Believable Tough Guy Street Fighter Caprio. When I elect a Sheriff I really want a 44 time killer as my appointee. Just as long as he's *Irish* I know he's good and kind anyways. As long as you murder non-Irish you are benevolent.
Pretty Boy hates Butcher Dude, and Butcher Dude hates Pretty Boy. Yet none of them puts out a contract on the other. Indeed, PB saves BD's life, and BD spares PB's life. BD only mutilates PB's face, and since this movie is so realistic his face is completely healed and reconstructed one scene later. Then, they "Challenge According to the Ancient Rules of Battle". I always do that too. I usually dress up in really ridiculous costumes and dance violent ballet in the streets with my Mad Max weaponry. That's really how it was done in days of old you know.
To sum up: Irish gangs are good, socially conscious, and non-racist, all other gangs are bad. Irish love blacks, but won't fight against slavery. Everyone wears ludicrous costumes like in Clockwork Orange. The person to sympathize with is the Pretty Boy, then you can't go wrong. Don't sweat the logic, just sit three hours through this bulls**t operatic mess and claim you've seen something significant.
And when does the horn-helmeted blond braided-hair fat broad jump in singing and swinging a battle-axe? In my imaginary cut the movie ends by Helga jumping in and dancing a little Irish jig, wielding a razor sharp neon-pink dildo she plunges in Pretty Boy's stomach, after which she delivers a stunning aria. I promise you, this scene would not have made the movie worse. Nuff said.
Peace