Big hats do mot a great movie make

Rating: Null/10 (10 September 2003)

An orphan returns to the New York gangland of his youth to avenge his father. Unfortunately he cocks up his first go and the return fixture clashes with some riots. Something odd happens to this movie about half-time through. For the first half, for all the bloodshed and slowness, it's a strangely comfortable experience, like getting on a suburban train and finding yourself in a Pullman Car. Even though the pace is slow, you spend the time admiring the sheer quality of the experience. You can even bear the pointless diversion of the Diaz/di Caprio romance...
(Spoiler ahead...) ...then, after Vallon's first attempt on Bill the Butcher's life it all goes pear shaped and horribly rushed (much like, it occurs to me, the latter stages of David Lynch's Dune). After a few applications of the magic sponge by Cameron Diaz, the disfigured and humiliated Vallon gets his looks back and, in a magical evolution, becomes the leader of all the Irish immigrants in New York. Then as the epic draws to its close the whole plot gets eclipsed by the New York draft riots, which seem to have barged in, Blazing Saddles style, from a neighbouring sound stage. The closing song by U2 suggests that it was petty thieves and thugs who were the "Hands that Built America" rather than, say, the black folks who make cameo appearances in the movie hanging from lampposts.
I suspect the major problems with this film stem from the effect that Irish themes have on American directors and actors, which is rather similar to putting a powerful magnet next to a piece of sensitive electronic equipment. You'd have thought Scorsese might be immune to this brain-scrambling, but at some point he must have said: "Diaz? Di Caprio? Perfect for our Irish leads!"
None of this should be taken to detract from the wonderful performance of Daniel Day Lewis (even if he does have a touch of the Michael Palins every now and then). But then he's not really in the movie--he's more like a piece of natural scenery they filmed it in front of.
Oh, and don't miss the one-second Titanic parody.