What the heck?

Rating: 3/10 (5 December 2006)

I watched this movie from the beginning to the end. First of all, we have the whole hostage situation with the Fullers and the psychotic Geckos. I honestly loved the two brothers because they were just plain psychotic and killed for the hell of it. It was completely evil. I honestly thought this would be a good movie, and would not end up being a big steaming pile of crap. Then, disaster struck. Honestly, this is the worst thing I have ever seen a movie do. Worse than the Rollerball night vision sequence (I say shamelessly), and worse than the steaming excrement found in the ending of Windtalkers - when the Geckos + Fullers cross over the border. As soon as I saw the "Titty Twister" neon light, I knew this movie was over. Cheech Marin's speech was gross-out and funny, but no line could save this piece of dung. When the lead dancer made that Looney-Tune-esq morph into a vampire, I literally spit soda all over the floor. My nose felt like it had just had a gigantic hit of crack from the mass explosion of soda that fell onto the floor below. The lead dancer then leaped forward and bit Tarantino's neck, which had to be either the stupidest or most awkward scene ever made, or maybe both. The movie degenerates from there, with an entirely clichéd vampire flick that came from nowhere. The only way I could describe this is the following: imagine a senior citizen center with a nice bingo game going on, and then 5 seconds later guerrillas rush in and mow everyone down and raze the place. That's exactly how this "twist" was. Finally (Spoilers) everybody dies but Clooney and Lewis, who walk out of the vampire hell hole leaving Lewis to go anywhere she wants. If they played the Cast Away end theme with Lewis looking off in the 3 other directions that didn't have mutilated corpses in them it would not have been out of place. In fact, it might have done this lame piece of crap justice.
3 / 10