I Finally Figured It Out...

Rating: Null/10 (12 April 2000)

Newline has obviously paid a number of desperate people to leave favorable comments about this movie. There is no other explanation that permits me my sanity.
I was marginally excited during the very first death scene. At least it briefly stopped me from wondering whether or not the projectionist would spill some coke and mercifully begin a chain of events leading to the explosion of the theater. That this scene occurs a good half hour into the movie didn't bother me as much as the fact that the half hour clearly hints that the actual final destination will be a town I am forced to visit far too often: middle-class-white cliche city.
Is this a realistic portrayal of American teens? Sadly, it often is. Does this make me care whether or not and how Cindy and Bobby will die and what their romantic preferences are? It's like asking me to care about what brand of tomato soup tastes the best. Any imaginable alternative will be plain, bland, predictable, and will significantly increase the likelihood of future heart failure.
Suffice it to say, I pretty much predicted the key moments in the 'plot' a good five excruciating minutes beforehand. This 'plot' also manages to flow about as smoothly as a monkeywrench through my colon. Although I must admit the sudden flashes forward in time and the abrupt meaningless ending gives me hope that the director experienced a sudden flash of intelligence on the set and ran off screaming into the Canadian wilderness. If only the brainless moviegoers could achieve a similar enlightenment.
P.S. I did not pay to see this movie, if I had I would be writing this from a hospital ward or more likely one of our nation's many fine asylums.