A Dull Film that does Nothing Right

Rating: 1/10 (22 February 2015)

This movie has several problems and almost no virtues. Let's just go down the line.
1. It's boring. No matter what a movie is about, there is no excuse for being boring. This movie in particular, which is supposed to be so hot and erotic, should be engaging. It is not. The filmmakers' sole mission was to get people into the theater, but they felt themselves under no obligation to entertain them once they were there. Once the tickets are bought, mission accomplished. You are not in good hands here.
2. Jamie Dornan. Little Jamie Dornan, who is trying to portray an uber-confident, menacing, Nietzchean superman, just has no way to pull it off. With his boyish wave of sunny curls, he seems like he could play a farmer's hardworking son in a period piece, or an innocent young sailor like Billy Budd, or maybe an earnest young priest in an episode of Murder She Wrote. Christian Grey was supposed to radiate sexual menace. Jamie Dornan radiates kinda wanting to ask you to a prom. (It also doesn't help that he is very short). Grey is supposed to be serious and commanding, but when Dornan tries to be this character he just sounds like a robot. He would be an excellent choice to play C-3PO in the Star Wars revival because he's definitely got the moves, but if he'd have to work on giving his voice some personality.
3. Christian Gray. This character makes no sense. He sets all these rules on this woman he's trying to court, but that's really it. That's all he does. He thinks up rules and gets her to come to his house. Because of the awkward flow of the movie this makes even less sense, because he sets these rules and then breaks them, but still acts like they're inflexible. Maybe this makes more sense in the books, but I will never know. He is also a big douchebag. There's no other way to describe him. Ana drunk-dials him and his reaction is so dorky and lame that it would be great comedy if it were intentional. "Have have you been DRINKING???" Uh. OK.. Then he shows up at the bar and angrily flexes on the most harmless character in the movie as if either of them were badasses of some sort It's a moment that really just falls flat.
4. Anastasia Steele. The character, not the actress. Anastasia is a frumpy cipher who works in a hardware store and is pursuing a useless degree. You know the phrase "she basic". well, she basic. The only thing I can figure out about her is that her lack of personality or motivation makes her non-threatening to other women. As long as she is nothing and has accomplished nothing, none of the women readers feel as if she reflects badly on them.
5. The visuals. This is a bleak, joyless, sterile movie. A movie that is supposed to be sensual and erotic should be something you can't take your eyes off of, but this movie is almost challenging to watch. Everywhere they go, inside or outside, looks like the inside of either a clean or a dirty bucket. Also, the movie spends way too much time in closeup on the leads. I got really tired of their boring, expressionless faces.
6. The supporting characters. Anastasia's friends are just supposed to be pieces of a support structure that holds her up for us to like but the problem is that they are actually more interesting and likable than she or Christian Gray. Eloise Mumford plays Anastasia's roommate Kate, and she is supposed to be superficial and shallow, but supportive. The problem is that Eloise Mumford is more interesting and fun than anything else in this movie. She lights up the screen whenever she's on. Anastasia has a young suitor named Jose, who is a photographer and likes her a lot. He's actually a little too good for her, but she friendzones him rather mercilessly. He does give Christian Gray an opportunity to act like a douchebag in a very funny scene though. She also works with a nice young guy at the hardware store. He is easygoing, friendly and supportive, and is also interested in her for some unfathomable reason. She can't stand him. Well, the guy is tall. Really tall. Tall for women is like big boobs and blue eyes for men. There's no way she would physically prefer little Jamie Dornan over her tall co-worker.
7. Story. Ultimately, the movie can not possibly succeed because the story is just so stupid. The fetish/BDSM elements are shoehorned in so awkwardly and they never, ever work at all. The story would make more sense without the dungeon and the contracts. Those aspects are really just obvious metaphors for Gray's sexual impotence. Not very sexy at all.
8. Dakota Johnson. Well, she basic. They really would have been better off giving this to Sasha Grey. She could have livened it up considerably and wouldn't have been nearly as dull.
Funny side note... after I wrote this I noticed that it was my 51st movie review on IMDb!