A Sexless Movie about Sex

Rating: 3/10 (28 February 2015)

Fifty Shades of Grey captivated women's minds everywhere. It had them all enthralled in the world of BDSM and excited them to new possibilities of pleasure. This movie, however, does not do that. The actors Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have very little to no on screen chemistry. Where Christian Grey is supposed to be seductive he comes across as abusive. The stiff, unfeeling, almost uncomfortable portrayal of the character detracts from the audiences willingness to fall in love with him. There is no charm. Dakota Johnson proves herself to be new to the silver screen. She's awkward. Throw the two stiffs together naked and it just makes it worse. Their robotic sex scenes don't make you squirm in your seat with anticipation. They don't end leaving you satisfied. In fact it's more like a sex education video where it's so scientific it's not sexy. Their scenes together are devoid of the passion that is essential to any remotely romantic movie.
Sam Taylor-Johnson was a poor choice to direct this purported "erotic drama." Her angles were questionable and the way she directed the actors was uninspired. It was as if she marathon-ed the Twilight Saga and told them to mimic their respected counter parts. The result is a drab retelling of the national bestseller. She also chose to downplay their sexual encounters, so that instead of steamy sex scenes you get some PG- 13 love scenes. There is almost no nudity and very few swear words. If she had just allowed it to be more lewd or less naked then she would've had a movie worth seeing on her hands. A more aggressive approach to their physical encounters and pleasure would have improved the quality of enjoyment for all involved.
The plot line is also a problem but there was nothing the movie makers could have done there as it follows the book precisely (minus a few sex scenes.) Nothing of consequence happens to actually make it feel like you are watching a story. Instead it's as if you're listening to a boring friend regale you with their boring love life.
Good points about this movie:
Marcia Gay Harden makes an appearance as Christian's mother.
The Red Room was actually pretty impressive.
Anastasia Steel's red dress (The one that she wears while negotiating the contract) was lovely.
The lighting for the movie was beautiful throughout.
This movie is one that you can skip. It comes together in a less than flattering way and you will just leave the theater upset. 3.3/10