Fifty Shades of Grey has sex...that's about it.

Rating: 2/10 (25 February 2018)

I cannot believe I actually watched this. Me, who solemnly swore he wouldn't watch such rubbish, made the bold choice to watch this for the sake of his friend. That's how kind I am. I would succumb to this for friendship. Honestly though, this has less substance than a used condom. I'm not even going to summarise the "plot", because there was hardly any. Young girl falls in love with rich man who creates a contract for some submissive dominance relationship thing. I don't know, and I don't care. The film is shot well atleast, and has aesthetic appeal. Don't forget the hardcore foreplay and rough sex...oh wait, it's tame? Oh dear. I've seen more convincing sex (and better plot) in a 70's soft porno. The screenplay can be best described as monotonous. Example: "I don't make love. I f*ck...hard". Or even: "Because I'm fifty shades of f*cked up, Anastasia". What even was this!? Have we, the human race, actually come to this!? I can't comprehend the stupidity of this dialogue and how undramatic it was. The most excitement I had was attempting to work out the word for a 'vagina wig' which I'm sure Dakota Johnson was wearing. "Hmmm I know it sounds like mankini? No wait, I'll FaceTime my mum, she'll know...MERKIN! It's a merkin!". The sex, which the plot clearly revolves around, is too funny to watch. Whips, chains, rope...we got it all, and it's hilarious. Then the accompaniment of generic pop songs, oh yes it gets better. Bursting into Ellie Goulding's "Love Me Like You Do" has never felt so good. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan were abysmal, not their fault though to be fair. Goes to show that a screenplay is the most central and important aspect to a captivating film. And captivating this is not. However, my life is now complete. This film brought me joy. It is so atrocious that I actually loved it. Get ready for when I watch the sequel, I can't wait...