A few years ago every virginal English Lit Major lady in my dorm . . .

Rating: 6/10 (17 February 2015)

. . . read THE STORY OF O or THE PEARL (NOT the one by Steinbeck!) or both by the end of her freshman year. It's a sad commentary on today's generation of self-imposed Sharia-like Puritanism that the palest plagiarism of what the Victorians read for entertainment 150 years ago raises eyebrows and not hilarious laughter today. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY might be a tad more accurate about First Edition books than the makers of THE BOY NEXT DOOR were, but the character of "Anastasia Steele"--an alleged Romance Literature graduate so ignorant of the basics in her academic field--does not ring true. Nor do the cheap production values of this flick, which seem better suited to the BARNEY and TELETUBBIES crowd than to any serious movie goer. For instance, Anastasia attends a university in Portland, OR. But this tawdry production was thrown together in the world's knock-off capital, Vancouver, Canada. So when "Christian Grey" gives the graduation speech to Anastasia's class, his podium is draped with a "Vancouver" banner. (Given the kinds of consistent flaws found in EVERY let's-pretend-it's-America flick originating in Vancouver, it's doubtful they even have a community college there--none of the film crews ever have anything on the ball!) Most everything about FIFTY SHADES is equally wrong and jarring. The book implies that Christian "punishes" Anastasia with a taste of what the soap thief got in 12 YEARS A SLAVE. But all her "abuse" combined is less than one-tenth the trauma of one lash in SLAVE. If Bill Cosby ever needs to stand trial, his lawyers may use a FIFTY SHADES defense to argue the horrible consequences of old billionaires messing with UN-drugged young ladies.