50 Shades of Bruising...

Rating: 1/10 (14 February 2015)

50 Shades of Grey. The title suggests a nuanced film where nothing is black or white and motivations are murky and changeable.
Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm afraid. Jimmy Dorman, who plays the titular Mr Grey, has all the nuance and subtlety of a sledgehammer. Further, his supposed sex appeal is non-existent. He's about as appealing as Pennywise the clown, from Stephen King's It, but about twice as creepy! Anastasia Steele, by contrast, gives the impression that she is of sub-par intelligence and is exactly as interesting as listening to your Grandpa's old war stories... for the hundredth time.
There is an utter lack of anything like chemistry between the pair and their entire "relationship" is based around him abusing her and her supposedly enjoying it. Now, I don't have a problem with BDSM whatsoever, but the thing I do know about it is that it is entirely consensual between both parties. If it isn't, then it isn't BDSM, it's plain and simple abuse.
Of course, there are those that would argue that, in the context of the movie, the "consent" was clear and obvious because the woman was content to let it happen. But that is treading on mighty thin ice, friends, and sounds more like justification, than any real argument as to consent.
In short, this movie offended me and made me laugh all at the same time, which is rare for a movie to do. I think I was more non-plussed that anyone would find it entertaining and that, along with the awful chemistry and poor acting, made me find humour in it. But I suppose I'm an old fart because I find something distasteful about the subject material. I know, it is a work of fiction, and we should all be able to distinguish fantasy from reality, right? Well, yes, but I have the sneaking suspicion that, despite its "R" rating, an awful lot of young girls are going to see this movie and if so, then the message this movie sends to them is entirely the wrong one.
But, enough of my preaching. It sucks. I looked at my watch many times during the film and went for a stroll around the foyer about half way through so that I might let my eyes witness more interesting things. There was a discarded movie stub that occupied me for several minutes, before I felt obligated to return to the auditorium for the second half of this dreary non-event.
The fact that they released it the day before Valentine's Day just leaves me speechless with disbelief.
EDIT: Of course this made a ton of money at the box office, so there will be a sequel, and plenty of similar, ripoffs. Remember when we all bemoaned the "new" craze of Young Adult, Dystopian fantasy films? Welcome to the next big genre folks! Soft-porn at the cinema!
SUMMARY: Ridiculous, badly acted and lacking anything like entertainment. No chemistry between the two leads. Glorifies abuse and then tries to tell you that is what you wanted all along. Just a waste of your time. Trust me.