The epitome of B movies

Rating: 3/10 (22 May 2015)

I hadn't reviewed a movie in a long time but after watching this film I felt I had a calling of some sort.
Truly few are the words that can describe the awfulness of Sam- Taylor Johnson's Fifty Shades of Grey. To say it is the epitome of disastrous filmmaking would be bloating it with praise of the highest proportions. I had never before seen the point where bad cinema meets cruel intent. Sure you can make a mediocre film about the Holocaust but with good intention, now imagine making one that is both mediocre and ill-intentioned simultaneously. I shall not waste time pointing out how much Fifty Shades of Grey sur- objectifies women nor shall I speak of its implication that women are so intellectually inept as to willingly (and pleasurably) go through what Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) did with modern psychopath Grey (Jamie Dornan). This film ranges somewhere between modern day pornography with a side of story, a soft-core rape marathon and quasi necrophilia.
Don't get me started on the dialogue. Who wrote this screenplay? A sexually frustrated 40 year old with a drinking problem living in his parents' basement whose hobbies include ordering porn and food at the same time? The dialogue and acting of everyone in this 'movie' are so terrible that it wouldn't tax the smarts of a troglodyte. No pun intended dear screenwriter.
I feel as if every single line written for the character Anastasia is intended to humiliate all women around the world. From her conformity with the most absurd thing I have ever heard of my entire life; a horrific contract about how she was basically going to be turned into a living sex toy (worse than that I believe) to her embarrassing submissive retorts to any of Grey's deranged suggestions or should I say condescending orders. The entire time I was looking at actress Dakota Johnson thinking why are they making you say this? Why are they making you act this way? Surely she knows deep down that she was insulting her female companions with everything she did and said. This is truly a feminist's worst nightmare and I am NOT one.
At the end of the day you are left wondering why Anastasia was willing to accept such humiliation and morally degrading experience. Clearly she wasn't really interested in Grey's money. If you say its because of his physique I'm sure there are more attractive men that aren't even worth suffering for to that point either. If you say it was pure love then I don't know in what cosmos and dimension this could possibly be considered as such. So you are left with the knowledge that no, maybe she was simply meant to go through this and she is supposed to enjoy it. Like all other women. That's the film's concealed agenda.
The strangest thing however is the number of women who actually loved this film and even went so far as to call it- (I'm gagging at the simple thought) romantic. A documentary on the war history of Afghanistan and Syria combined would be more romantic than Fifty Shades of Grey. A biopic of the most notorious serial killer and his 15 year sex slave would convey more romance. A presentation on wild life copulation habits of rhesus monkeys on Animal Planet or Discovery Chanel would be a better contender for romance.
How can a sadomasochistic hedonist like Christian Grey be in any way attractive let alone even remotely romantic? Oh right he is a young billionaire with luxury homes and sports cars who seems to be king in the kingdom of Earth so his deranged behavior is acceptable. He does not appear to have a single specter of brain matter inside his skull but once again his bank account justifies. Never mind wondering how he got all that money in the first place anyway. He is used to having his way (classic rich family heir) and his immoral obsessions are justified by a cheesy hint on his childhood. In a nutshell, Fifty Shade of Grey is simply one of the worst movies you will ever come across and that's a compliment.
I cannot imagine what the book could possibly be like if the screenplay adapted from it is this horrendously devastatingly insultingly pathetic. I used to hear people say "I want my life back, I want the 2 hours back that they stole from me!" after watching a classic B movie and I didn't really know what they were talking about, that is until I saw Fifty Shades of horrible. Now I want those 120 minutes back right now! But let's not cry over spilt milk what happened has, unfortunately, happened.
The only truly sad thing is the kind of things that sell off today's audiences. Especially the female ones. Toss in a handsome/sexy leading male (no one cares about the one who is representing women so don't mind giving her a brain), give that man unlimited corporate power and sexual prowess then throw in raunchy disturbing sex scenes that appear to consume 70% of the screen time. There, your movie is sold. But that's just classical romantic B movie. Fifty shades of Grey is that plus moral torture, the nec plus ultra of misogyny and all other things synonymic to that, borderline sexism and top notch fetishism.
Fifty Shades of Grey is a clear indication that some cineastes are insulting us and we are loving it, kind of like what the film portrays itself, sadomasochism. The makers of this film should simply never make films anymore and just sit back and enjoy the work of others like the rest of us.