Horrid, vapid, sad bleed-out of a tale

Rating: 1/10 (6 July 2015)

Actually, I will start off my review by quoting Anthony Lane's review of this film:
"Mostly, he sounds like your basic stalker: "I'm incapable of leaving you alone," he informs Ana—a notion that appears to stimulate her, although it would easily warrant a call to 911. She succumbs, up to a point, but her recurring doubts lead Christian to dish up one of those crusty old no-means-yes propositions which feminism has battled for decades: "You want to leave? Your body tells me something different." Pass the butt plug."
Indeed. This film is tragic, in a variety of ways, and sexy in none (for me, at least). And probably for a bunch of other people as well, as this film has marked 4.2/10 on IMDb, which is remarkably low. Still, I give this film 1/10 for a variety of reasons.
The characters are one-dimensional. The main character is "god" and, because of the book, is never-smiling and drab. I mean, if he'd only have been interesting in some way! He comes across all Bruce Wayne- y, body sculpted, can do everything (fly a helicopter, play the piano, own at least 75 different neckties), but lacks everything that he should have. Compare this with the lead character in Steve McQueen's "Shame": he says very little, but exudes so much, much more than this film collectively ever will.
The female lead character is just an object, nothing more. A boring, self-deprecating object with a touch of defiance, only there to display her as an individual, somebody who doesn't let anything happen to her as she's master of her own will.
Still, pap like "I'm incapable of leaving you alone" creeps me the hell out, it is _not_ sexy or passionate. It's cheap. And cheapens a lot of things. A lot of people who actually do enjoy BDSM have raised their voices against this film as it's apparently against what is considered safe BDSM use, and goes against more than that.
The soundtrack is a safe word in this film; down-watered covers, mainly used to be "sultry" and "sensual", no doubt, but are, in fact, like adding poop to your champagne. Not that this film is champagne in any way, shape or form; champagne is palatable. This film is not.
Avoid. There will be sequels. I'll avoid those.