Awful. Just, so, horribly awful

Rating: 1/10 (25 February 2015)

Let's get it out of the way: 50 Shades of Grey is one of the most laughable pieces of garbage I've ever sat through. I'll admit I read the first book, so I knew the quality (or lack of quality) the screenwriter would be working with to turn this joke of a story into a film. But honestly they could have produced something decent, at the very least tried to make it artistic or potentially thought provoking. The Secretary or 9 1/2 Weeks covered similar themes, and they seem poetic compared to this. In the end it's a mess, a boring slog of a mess that drags on and on until it climaxes with a tiresome yet lackluster ending (Really? That's the worst you want to do to her? Snooze...). No spoiler here: the movie ruins itself.
Let's talk about acting. For all the hoopla, I really don't see the draw of Jaimie Dornan or why he is in movies. Yeah yeah, I should watch The Fall. But really, he used to be a model? Is that why he's here? I love how much people are fawning over his workout regime, like, Wow! He did sit-ups and drank protein shakes to get a 6-pack, that's crazy. Honestly, for someone trying to be "The epitome of male beauty," he looked mediocre at best. I know all the lonely house-moms who've been waiting anxiously to personify their dirty little fantasies into an actual human being are dripping wet for this guy. But seriously, never once did I find myself have any emotion toward Dornan or think, "Now that's an attractive man." If anything I couldn't get past his stupid mouth, how it would crumple like a wilted sprig of ivy any time he tried to make sounds come out and hide his accent. And that's the true failure of this film. It wasn't the few sex scenes or the whips or floggers that made me or the audience uncomfortable. It was EVERYTHING ELSE.
Watching 50 Shades reminded me of watching a sequel that went straight to DVD. IMDb says the actors learned all their lines in 5 days. That's really not shocking. The dialog consisted mostly of, "Hello Anastasia," "Hi Christian," "Did you consider the contract Anastasia," "I'm still thinking about the contract Christian," "How about now Anastasia? Have you considered the contract now Anastasia?" "Maybe in a bit Christian." I felt like I was being forced to watch two people with no idea how to flirt or function in society try to reason through installing an Ikea bed using only their feet. "How will we put the boards together Christian? Should we use a screwdriver?" "Yes, Anastasia [*furrows brow, stares blankly at the floor], we could use a screwdriver" [*Anastasia bites her lip. Christian continues to stare blankly into the ether. Screwdriver is seen for half a second]. That actually sounds way more entertaining compared to this movie.
In short, Dornan couldn't act his way out of a cardboard box (even one for that king-sized bed from Ikea), and the film pays a huge price by casting him as the lead role. That being said: bless Dakota Johnson's heart. She really gave it her all in this movie and tried to make a steak dinner out of a baloney sandwich. She's relatable, plain and pleasant and does a fine job at her job (though anyone would appear great next to that block of wood named Dornan). The lack of chemistry is palpable, or bitterly dry (I don't know which is more accurate). You can't blame the girl. I couldn't imagine lying on a bed naked while cast and crew stare over you expecting you to moan and pretend to be turned on by a man with the personality of a washing machine pesters you over and over about a contract (Seriously give it a rest dude. You sound super rapey about the contract. And quit waking her up all the time. Let the poor girl sleep). Dakota's a decent actress, and I hope she pulls the rip cord and distances herself from this franchise before she gets typecast as "full frontal" girl.
If I took anything away from this film, it's that sadly human beings will do anything for a paycheck, and an audience will pay to see how boring it is. Mediocre has become the norm, and this film doesn't even make the grade. There's nothing good, or original, or edgy, or thought-provoking about 50 Shades. It feels dated, and designed to be fantasy porn for those too vanilla to try anything risqué in their own lives. Truthfully, if the main character wasn't a billionaire, or white, or attractive, this movie wouldn't be so popular. It would be a drama about horror, rape, and abuse and real issues people don't want to talk about. 50 Shades is a false portrayal of kink and a subculture that is already misunderstood. Really people just want to see two semi-attractive bodies rub up and down on each other and maybe daintily slap each other with whips (LOL, the kink in this movie is such a joke!).
For a movie gaining so much press because it covers the topic of sex, I wish I could have told it I had to work early in the morning and needed to go to bed. Nothing could ever make me watch this film again or convince me to see the sequel, even if they cast me over Dornan.