A Glorified Porno for Repressed Young Women

Rating: 2/10 (14 February 2015)

Understandably you may have been led to believe from Fifty Shades of Grey's marketing that it is edgy, racy and sexy. It is none of the above, yes you heard me correct and have been sorely mislead, but at least the marketing was highly successful.
It is necessary to understand how the film came about, no pun intended. It was adapted from the poorly written book of the same name by "author" E. L. James, which in turn was adapted from a fan fiction of 'Twilight', all of this figures. Many of the plot points and events are parallels to the 'Twilight' saga and lines like "I'm not the man for you" feel directly lifted from it.
But at least the film gets some things right, which is another way of saying barely anything at all. The film is well shot which is unsurprising when it is Seamus McGarvey who photographed the exquisite Avengers. However, this becomes redundant when the film you are photographing is utter trite.
The music though, sounds like the things of wet dreams, yet never quite reaches the full potential of composer Danny Elfman, who is somewhat underutilized, as the majority of the film has techno pop songs thrown into the sound scape. 'Love Me Like You Do' is as expected the best element of Fifty Shades and Ellie Goulding's vocals accelerate the intimacy very well. I would rather listen to it a hundred times on a loop than watch the two or three inevitable sequels, depending on whether they split the last book in half.
One more element that must be considered before I go on an endless rant is Dakota Johnson who plays Anastasia Steele sounding awfully like a female porn star. She gets the chance to interview renounced Billionaire Christian Grey and they build a rapport to say the least. Johnson really should not be here leaving a giant mess of a film making a bad impact on her limited filmography. If this is the one that she expected to launch her into the atmosphere then God help her. She does the best with what she is given bless her. Mainly biting her lip and trembling with anticipation to be punished by Mr. Grey played by Jamie Dornan who has no idea what he is doing in any scene that he is in, it begs the question; does he even know how to have sex? Dornan is just plain and simply bland and bad, he delivers his lines with the dramatic resonance of a new comer to a soap opera. Almost winking at the camera like a reality TV star from Geordie Shore. At least he has the looks because otherwise he would have nothing going for him, this level of acting I expect to find in a low budget pornographic film, not a Hollywood Blockbuster or is that Block Basher?
Which unfortunately brings me to the script. I do not think there has been one this awful and misguided since 'Twilight', 'The Last Airbender' and 'After Earth'. It is the work of four amateurs (or at least it feels that way) and it sticks out like a sore thumb. How four people mashed together this terrible script is beyond any comprehension because it stinks. I have seen better work by one person, Aaron Sorkin, he seems to be one of the few script writers that actually possesses a working brain. The lines do induce laughs, but unintentional ones. You never feel that Grey and Steele are connected emotionally; they are only together because the script is insistent that they are. I fail to see what Anastasia gets out of their sexual encounters apart from losing her cherry. Mr Grey spanks her butt and that is all there is to it. No chemistry whatsoever. Dornan is like a plank of wood, but Johnson reaches to inject her character with some well needed development and tries to make sparks fly, they are just nowhere to be seen. If this is true love, then I think I have more sexual tension with my Blu- ray Surround Sound System.
It is far too long and padded to the limit; and I thought 'The Hobbit' and 'The Hunger Games Mockingjay' where stretched to the max, within an inch of their lives. We have to sit through endless talking about mundane topics, which will seem sexual to a male audience under the age of twelve and a female audience under the age of sixteen. In the UK, 'Fifty Shades of Sh*te' is an 18, so they are unable to view it. The only audience members it therefore has are forty-year-old women who have tragic sex lives and unwilling couples who are fooled into watching it because it is released on Valentine's Day.
Yes, there are sex scenes and we see Johnson's boobs and butt. However, this does not mean it is worth the ticket price; I do not care how amazing they both are! Dornan simply stares at her like the male equivalent of Bella and there we have it Twilight with rough sex! Which includes BDSM, but the writers seem to have glanced at what a Wikipedia page can tell you! There is no understanding prevalent in the film and Steele seems to be uncomfortable as her bum is slapped about. Just a hint, now might be the time to use your safe word.
I can go on for no longer and cannot review what is the worst excuse for a film and not only the worst film of 2015, but also the worst film ever made. 'Batman and Robin' you have been robbed of your kingly crown. Don't take your loved one to see it. You may lose them forever. Just have a romantic night in with any of the following films, 'Titanic', 'Annie Hall', 'Beauty and the Beast', '(500) Days of Summer' or 'Her'. Save yourself from this colossal cum stain of a film.