Fifty Shades of B.S.

Rating: 2/10 (13 February 2015)

Quickie Review:
Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is a naive literature student, who goes to interview billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). They both are instantly attracted to each other. However, Anastasia's life is changed forever as she enters Christian's luxurious and sexual world. Fifty Shades of Grey is horrible. A soft-core porn masquerading itself as something more. Laughable dialog and shallow caricatures, although plentiful are the least of its problems. Avoid this movie at all cost, please don't support such horrid excuse for a film.
Full Review:
I understand the appeal of exploring sexual fantasies. Considering the world-wide sensation that was the novel, there is a lot of curiosity to know what all the fuss is about. That curiosity is what got me to go to the cinema to check it out. I really wish Doc Brown's DeLorean arrives this year so I can stop the past me from making this terrible mistake.
I am not an unreasonable guy, so I'll start with the positives. The cinematography is done well, it looks good. However, polish a turd as much as you want, in the end it's still a turd.
There are two reactions you will have to the dialog: laughter at its absurdity or cringing at its awkwardness. There is no flow to what's being said. They'd be sitting at a dinner table having a conversation and out of nowhere Anastasia will say "will you make love to me now?" I instantly thought of Ron Burgundy's meme of That Escalated Quickly. Little did I know I should have saved that meme thought for the immediate gem of a line from Christian "I don't make love, I f***." Well at least he gets right to his point. What teenager wrote this script? It makes Twilight feel like Shakespeare.
Now let's talk about the caricatures, yes caricatures because these aren't characters. Christian only has one mood setting, deeply brooding. The only other way to describe him is, rich. On the other hand, Anastasia is desperately made to look like a simple innocent small town girl. Oh look she drives a beat up VW Beetle, oh she's from a small town in Georgia, oh she doesn't own computer, oh she still uses a flip phone from her middle school, oh she doesn't have fancy clothes. We get it! Move on.
If you are thinking I am looking too into this, and that all I have mentioned are just means to an end which are the titillating BDSM scenes, fair enough, let me address those scenes. They are simply not sexy, there is no chemistry whatsoever. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like Anastasia wants to be there. If you are looking to be shocked by the craziness of BDSM, except for the last scene it is actually quite mild. There are other movies that handle the topic of sex much better. For example, The Little Death, about taboo fantasies and how real couples deal with them, or Nymphomaniac about sex addiction and how it consumes you, or Secretary about the psychology behind BDSM.
But the most insulting of all, that I can't understand how it is acceptable in the mainstream, is how weak of a "character" Anastasia is. The entire movie, she doesn't stand on her own. Even though she is being emotionally abused, she needs a man. Even when she is whipped and doesn't enjoy it, she is still in love with him. What did he do to deserve your love Anastasia? Oh right, new computer, new dresses, new Audi, helicopter rides, and glider rides. Simply insulting.
So please, do not watch this movie. I know I've used the phrase, avoid at all cost, before for reviews of bad movies, but in this case I really mean it. If you are being dragged to see this movie, bribe your friend to not make you go. It's better use of your money anyway. I hate to rant non-stop, but for this movie I had to. If this review saves even one soul from the misery I've endured, I'll consider my life's purpose on this little rock we call Earth, complete.
I was battling to rate this movie either 1 or 2 out of 10, but I opted for the higher rating. Why you ask? Because it managed to get a man in his mid-20s to complain about a movie filled with sex scenes. That's an amazing feat in itself that I must commend.
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