Fifty Shades of Utterly Bored

Rating: 2/10 (13 April 2015)

Let me start off by clarifying that I watched 50 Shades not with the sole intent of bashing nor adoring it. I knew what kind of book it and its series was. I went in for the cinematic experience and to feed my curiosity: can a garbage book produce a good movie? The answer to that question is no.
My biggest problem was the pacing. Nothing substantial happened for the longest time (this is what happens when you have a meek person - no confrontation, no substantial drama for the LONGEST time). I kept waiting for any climax, plot-wise, mind you, and it did occur! Right at the very end, but at that point, I didn't really care one iota for either Ana or Christian. I was too busy nodding off. People who went into this for a lovey-dovey Valentine's Day 2015 had another thing coming. What would have normally constituted the MIDDLE or TWO-THIRDS of a romance movie, constituted the end. Why? Because the execs like their sequels and so does 50 Shades' author, E. L. James. It's all about milking that cash cow.
Ideally, this would all end here, so the message it could get across is one that condemns, rather than condones, stalking and abusive behavior. Unfortunately, 50 Shades spent far too many minutes building up an idolizing portrait of Mr. Grey and his fancy schmancy lifestyle for it to have come across as that. It can't even be passed off as effective satire.
As for the acting, Jamie as Christian was wooden. The guy was likely working on perfecting the American accent (which, sorry, did not happen) or feeling foolish without his beard. In his defense, he has the creepy vibe down-pat, probably from playing a serial killer in The Fall. The same can't be said of Dakota. Her Ana was just as I imagined her to be. It takes skill to play so daft a character.
If you're looking for racy content, you're better off watching TV series like Game of Thrones, Outlander, or dare I say, Sex and the City. The movie takes so long to address Mr. Grey's kinky side, you'll have forgotten the real reason you're tuning into 50 Shades in the first place.
2/10 because the dialogue could have been more cringe-worthy (no inner goddess, subconscious telling me all the things, not even a mention of fifty shades!), Dakota at least tried, and the music saved me from complete slumber. So yes, it could have actually been worse. Instead, it was just a really bad movie, regardless of the source material. 50 Shades does not stand on its own feet as a movie. Whether that's a good or bad thing is another question entirely.