Fifty Shades Of 'Meh'

Rating: 4/10 (7 June 2015)

Fifty Shades of Grey is a very silly film, based on an over-hyped book, in which an incredibly attractive young billionaire decides to initialise a clumsy young girl into his world of sado-masochistic sex when she turns up one day to interview him.
Aside from a few notably graphic scenes involving blindfolds, restraints and whips, their is virtually nothing here to distinguish this bromidic mush from the thousands of others tales of it's ilk... From the chiselled hunk with the 'tortured' past, to the flighty heroine, who one minute is all for this guy's weird fetishes, and the next (for no particular reason) decides to back away.
In other words, don't expect an in-depth psychological profile... Christian Grey is a d*ck simply because he had some unfortunate experiences at the hands of an older woman in his youth (which aren't really elaborated on) and the brilliantly named Anastasia Steele wants true love in her life... She doesn't like it when Grey forces her into a more casual relationship. Still, at least he gives her a nice car. She should be a bit more grateful, if you ask me.
Most of the film proceeds like this, with Grey popping up where Steele least expects him to, trying to 'get it on' with her at every possible moment, and Steele umming and arring over whether to sign a contract, which would turn her into Grey's personal plaything for months. In other words, she'd be selling HERSELF into slavery. But, hey... a slave with a nice car. Love that car.
The attempts at drama fall as flat as the Rolo I sat on last night, the non-stop brooding by both leads becomes very irritating very quickly, and the always present pop songs in the background make you want to listen to the soundtrack, rather than suffer through the rest of this soporific slop. You know the one... "I let you set the pace... Cos I'm not thinking ssttrraaiigghhtt". Damn you Elle. And Damn this movie. 4/10