Fremdschämen at its very best!

Rating: 2/10 (27 October 2016)

Boy, boy, boy. I don't know where to begin with this one.
Okay. So, did I expect much? Nope. Because I (kinda) read the 1st book of this glamorous series called "Fifty Shades" by one E.L. James. Morbid curiosity got the better of me... "Kinda" because I was very much unable to finish even the first book. To even get to the 50% mark.
But. I told myself that the movie had to be better. Firstly, because of Jamie Dornan, an actor who crossed my radar way before that whole train wreck of a film (and book). I really liked him. (Still do, although I hope that he won't be branded too much by the whole "Christian Grey" affair.) Secondly, the movie had to be better because a film couldn't possibly contain all these god-awful and painfully cringeworthy ramblings and inner monologues of one Anastasia Steele... those of her "subconscious" or her beloved "inner goddess". That brings me to thirdly (and lastly): because the script could only be an improvement of E.L. James' writing, or so I thought.
Well, to be totally fair, the film actually manages to not be as dreadful as the book it's based on. Kudos for that. But that doesn't mean it was good in any sense of the word. Far from it.
The film (same as the book) is a series of scenes of "Fremdschämen" strung together, to say the least. "The cringeworthy" simply never stops. The extremely cringeworthy dialogues between Christian and Ana. (Oh man, are they ever not?) The cringeworthy way Cristian Grey's stalking behaviour (and behaviour in general) gets romanticised. The cringeworthy (and wrong) portrayal of BDSM and people being into more, let's call it colorful sex. People taking home the message that Christian's general behaviour is okay because "he's a Dom" doesn't make it any better.
It's funny (or not), how Christian always says That's not something I know", This is who I am", That's not how I do it", You'll like it", and at the very same time, while arguing that he doesn't know any other way, he's trying to impose his lifestyle on Ana. A lifestyle that she knows nothing about, that is obviously very alien to her. And is not at all "the way how she does it" or who she is". But she'll like it", it's for her pleasure after all, according to Christian, who, strangely enough, never once considers that Ana won't, in fact, like it. The thing is, Ana is clearly not very keen or enthusiastic about the whole BDSM idea, about playing the role of being submissive (because she is only that, playing a role, or trying to, as opposed to actually being submissive). Of course in the wonderfully world fantasised by one E.L. James, she'll either learn to love it later on (in the sequels). Because of him, Christian (imagine lovey-dovey eyes). Magic d*ck, come quick. Or, Ana will cure poor Christian of his bad, bad deviancy. Because looove. Either way, both are a total bag of utter nonsense, or, you know, cr...p.
Oh, and don't get me started on the "reason" for Christian's deviant preferences. Because clearly, the only possible explanation for this kind of sexual deviance, for straying from the norm and liking BDSM and/or other fetishes has to be, gasp, an abusive childhood. Wow. Way to go, Mrs. James. Really. Chapeau. (No, wait. Are you bloody serious? ....)
The only redeeming quality of the characters in the film is that Ana doesn't come across as the total blubbering, naive and insecure virgin that she is in the book. Emphasis on total.
Also, what I don't get is (some) people being shocked at the degree of nudity in this film. Seriously? This is a film based on erotica, an erotic novel, or an erotic romance book in the very least. And it's (or wants to be) about BDSM – a sex fetish. So (kinky) sex scenes and nudity are to be expected. Come on.
Well, to come to an end here: compared to the source material, this is practically a master piece. The acting is okay, as far as that is even possible considering what the actors have to work with. But compared to other films, I'm sorry to say, this was a disaster. On all counts. Ultimately, even the best actors (and writers) couldn't turn this into a grand film without throwing away the piece of rubbish that the book is and completely rewriting the story from scratch. I guess, you simply can't turn sh!!t to gold... I'm still amazed how they managed to fill two whole hours with barely anything happening.