Fifty Shades of Vanilla

Rating: 2/10 (3 March 2015)

Written by my sister, Alison: "FIFTY SHADES OF VANILLA
Men who like to please their women should see FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Women who like hot Irishmen and *think* they love being dominated in the sack should see it, too. While it's absolutely not the most erotic movie you'll ever see, it's better than its source material and much fun to see with gal-pals (like I did) or, I would think, your romance/sex partner.
The movie sucks because Christian Grey is such a Dom that he has not only a playroom well appointed with only the finest in (to be sure) bespoke leather sex toys, but also one of those airtight "slave contracts." Yet the movie wants us to believe that a grossly immature, unworldly, all-together average beauty makes him break his own contract and own rules, one by one, almost immediately after meeting her.
The Anastasia character tops from the bottom throughout the movie. This should be obvious to anyone who's even remotely read about or dabbled in BDSM. A master like Christian Grey would anticipate this and probably not be willing to let it happen. Basically, it wouldn't get him hard. But this is a movie for women who like their sexuality to be 97% vanilla, with just a sprinkle of kink. The movie is much tamer than I even thought it would be, and even in the sexual throes of getting it on. Christian uses a condom every single time. We even get to see that familiar intimate moment where the guy rips the condom wrapping open with his teeth and slaps on that sucker. The movie is just that responsible.
The movie sucks because Anastasia Steele is a virgin who, according to her own admission, hasn't even done "other stuff." This confession drives Christian Grey wild with desire for her. He even wonders at the thought that men must've been "throwing themselves" at her for years while she remained oblivious to her charms -- the chief charm being an obnoxious tendency to bite "the pillow of her bottom lip" (this is seriously what we called it at True Story, True Confessions, and the lot). The message seems clear: All those Cosmo articles are dead wrong. Guys don't want an experienced woman who knows and relishes her own sexuality. Guys want a virgin they can train with their main vein. Sloppy seconds are for suckers.
Mr. Grey pops Anastasia's cherry approximately three minutes after she fesses up to it. Then they do it in the missionary position, a.k.a."the normal way" the first time so she can develop a taste for it. You know -- because self-made business magnates have all sorts of extra time on their hands to be at a girl's beck and call, and tenderly tend to her innocent, blossoming needs and uncertainties. Every woman knows this guy; every woman has, at some time in her life, had to put up with an obscenely handsome, tycoon-level hot man who wants to spend all his time with her, cater to her every need, and possess her erotic and romantic life forever and ever and ever and ever. Yeah. Sure.
You see now why this is a perfect chick flick? Because it says this guy exists. He is out there, waiting for you and only you. You can dress dowdy, you can be dumber than a deflated blowup doll. No matter what, HE wants YOU. All of you. This is the idea that makes the movie a great flick for couples. Guys, if you want to know what many women want -- even just a little bit -- and make them all lust for your cashmere-scented Wong, watch this movie, take notes, and then act like Christian Grey for the rest of your life. In addition, please own and be able to fly your own helicopter. And if your new girlfriend wants to go visit her mother, don't take it for a much-needed break from the needy, nagging ball-and- chain -- secretly fly down there in your gorgeous weekend clothes and JUST SHOW UP while your lady and her mom are having brunch. This is super hot.
Sadly, the movie isn't super hot. You have to wait for just about the last 12 minutes of the flick to see even a remotely decent whipping, and it only lasts for six lashings. By his own admission, Christian Grey likes to "fuck. Hard.", but from what we see, the dude doesn't have any amazing sexual skills. He's a two-minute brother and he begins every sexual encounter by getting down on his knees and kissing his way down Anastasia's belly on a lick trip to her nether. Seriously. If I were dating him, the minute he got down on his knees and started unbuttoning my jeans, I'd think, Guess we're gonna do it. And here we go again.... The movie traffics in that precise kind of cinematic shorthand. We know that Christian Grey is unbelievably wealthy -- not to mention meticulous -- because his penthouse is enormous and cold with lots of white marble flooring and all of that sparse modern furniture that all rich people love. By the same shorthand, it only takes a few seconds of back-story to establish what we figured: Anastasia's roommate is an earthy blonde who puts out on the first date. You know. That roommate".