How bad could it be? Well, now I know.

Rating: 1/10 (4 July 2015)

I thought I've seen some bad movies in my time. But this does take the cake. And the cigar. And the cherry on top. This thing (I'm reluctant to call it a movie) is so ridiculously, incredibly bad that I'm genuinely feeling sorry for myself for having wasted 2.5 hours of my precious life on this. And even the fact that my wife now appreciates the effort that I've made by watching this with her can't make me feel any better.
This film fails on every level. The nonsensical script feels like something that was written by a 15 year old who'd been watching too many music videos. We all know the source wasn't great literature to start with, but the script apparently stays close enough to the novel, making it just as bad if not worse.
The acting is depressingly irritating. Jamie Dornan's character is supposed to be a charismatic dominant. Instead he is a robot with a single voice tonality. Dakota Johnson is trying her best not to laugh, and I can't blame her really, but unfortunately it does nothing for her acting. And since most of the screen time is shared between those two their lack of chemistry is too obvious.
The soundtrack is nauseatingly predictable. Not a single courageous choice there, nothing memorable or emotionally involving.
Lastly, I think this movie completely outdid itself by making sex scenes not sexy. Arguably BDSM isn't everyone's cup of tea, but not every sex scene here is BDSM. And yet this surely was the first movie I've ever watched where I found myself falling asleep during almost every scene involving some kind of intimacy. In fact, I felt compelled to skip forward a few times because I just couldn't be bothered with watching those two make sex look unappealing.
And now I know that I'll probably have to spend another 5 hours watching the second and third installments of this thing, and it's enough to make want to hit the bottle.
No redeeming qualities.
1/10 (way too generous)