50 Seats Beside Gorgons

Rating: 3/10 (1 April 2015)

The version I saw was via a pirate copy marked "CENSORED" which probably means most of the explicit shots in the sex scenes have been cut out . . I thought I had to mention this due to covering my back . Apparently a lot of people have been watching this film for the dubious and much hyped reason that this film is supposed to be the greatest aphrodisiac ever recorded in human history . Indeed I almost fell out of my seat reading a report in the Scottish Daily Record that a woman in her thirties had been arrested in a Glasgow cinema for "pleasuring herself" ! Hold your horses guys because the paper didn't print a photo of the woman in question due to sub-judicial law so hoping she's going to pop back to the cinema for a repeat performance while she sits beside you is a little bit premature , she could have been a Gorgon for all we know . But I suppose 50 SHADES has something in its favour if audience members are going to risk 5 years on the sex offenders register watching it in public . I do hope the uncensored sex scenes are worth it because if the censored version is anything to go by that woman in the Glasgow cinema might have been pleasuring herself in order to stay awake
The story itself is very one note . Unconfident virgin undergraduate Ana Steele embarks on a sexual relationship with 27 year old multi-billionaire Christian Grey . There's some strange casting going on here . Dakota Johnson as Ana really overplays the shy innocent virgin routine in the early part of the film and Jamie Doran never convinces as Grey . "I don't do romance and I'm singular" states Grey . How about "I don't do acting and I have a single expression on my face throughout the entire movie" Jamie ? Maybe if Grey was played by someone like a younger Christian Bale who can do a convincing turn as a manly Byronic anti-hero which is the casting that Grey calls for . The characters as played here just do not convince but to be fair to Johnson and Doran it's every aspect of the entire film that's the problem . It's directed by Sam Taylor Johnson who gives the entire mis en scene the look of a TVM on the Hallmark Channel complete with irritating incidental muzak playing over scenes . The source novel is probably complete garbage and if it is screenwriter Kelly Marcel hasn't improved it . Take this brief snippet of dialogue as Grey is just about introduce Ana to his S&M den
"This is my playroom" states Grey
"You have an X-box in there ?" Ana asks in all seriousness
I know she's supposed to be an innocent virgin but would any young woman be that naïve ? My shopping list has as much chance for being nominated for an Oscar as this film does . Honestly I know sex sells but there's good sex and bad sex and in cinematic terms this really is bad sex and couldn't get much worse unless a self pleasuring Gorgon was sitting in the cinema seat beside you