UK Film Review - 50 Shades Of Grey

Rating: Null/10 (27 February 2015)

Having set the world alight with tittering, E. L. James' trilogy of erotic books gets its first screen adaptation from writer Kelly Marcel, under the direction of Sam Taylor-Johnson (please no snickering at Johnson, we're barely into the intro!). The inevitable raucous reception which the film has received, though, has been far from fiery, and rightfully so. 50 Shades Of Grey the film seems like lukewarm, awkward foreplay after a much-anticipated build-up of sexual innuendo and teasing.
Dakota Johnson (again, no snickering!) plays the main character of Anastasia Steele, who may sound like a Russian stripper, but is actually a frigid virgin who seems completely unenlightened about the adult world, spending most of her time in books. She meets a mysterious millionaire after interviewing him for her college newspaper, and is introduced to a whole new world. And NOT an Aladdin style "whole new world"
Jamie Dornan plays the aforementioned millionaire, Christian Grey, a successful businessman with nice suits, fancy cars, and a private helicopter. Sauvé and sophisticated, he seems like every woman's wet dream. His dark and brooding character, though, hides a sexy secret (although, not much of a secret to anyone watching the film) - he likes it dirty.
Not your usual boy-meets-girl story, 50 Shades Of Grey plunders into a treasure chest of other clichés which render both of these characters limp. First off, the idea that women are attracted to asshole men as long as they are rich. Secondly, that men will obsess over something they can't have, and when they finally get it they treat it like crap. And thirdly, sexual exploration is the only true meaning of life, except when love gets involved.
Taylor-Johnson's film plays out like a sordid perfume advert where the fragrance they are flogging is called "restraint". No one seems happy to be in this film, and where the storyline promised both a love story and some BDSM, it half-delivered on both for an uncomfortable blend of anticipation and failure. Christian Grey comes out looking like a depressed psycho, using his money and business acumen to act out his seediest fantasies whilst fixating on a woman he hopes to abuse into next week, all without a smile.
It seems the movie tried to stay too true to the books, whilst forgetting it was an ADAPTATION that needed blow the books out of the water. The only way to have competed with the success of E. L. James' trilogy was to, excuse me, go much deeper. Instead, what should have been a slap round the face with a nine-inch sex toy, turns into a meek tickle with a feather that irritates rather than tantalizes.