An affront to cinema, literature, and anyone with half a brain cell

Rating: 1/10 (23 December 2015)

"I don't make love. I f***. Hard", says Christian Grey, in one of the most subtle, evocative scenes of the long-awaited feature presentation of E L James' bestseller, notorious for its graphic sex scenes and, above all, for being an absolute affront to literature at best. Naturally, one expects very little from a film based on degenerate trash, but director Sam Taylor-Johnson's interpretation manages to achieve the seemingly impossible, and deliver a film that quite frankly transcends the inarticulate and laughable prose of its source, resulting in one of the biggest insults to cinema in history. True, we expected it to be bad, but boy, is it bad
Fifty Shades of Grey follows the story of literature student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and her encounter with the enigmatic billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), who is later revealed to be a sadist. Grey is presented as something of a tormented soul; a mystery. But really, the biggest mystery of all is how on earth a film with such hot sex appeal could be so bloody boring!
So, what are the film's flaws? How long have you got? For starters, the moral of the story is dubious at best. Initially, it appears to glorify sadism and even domestic violence, and yet by its conclusion it seems to indicate that violence for sexual gratification is wrong – despite the fact that this forms the entire basis for the film's appeal, making its message somewhat hypocritical. But that's only really a problem if you analyse the film in any great detail; the truth is, this film isn't even worthy of this review. It's terrible; an unequivocal shambles. So why is it garnering so much attention?
One word: Sex. The media is obsessed with it, so much so that hordes of desperate, horny, middle-aged women flocked to the cinemas by the thousands to see it. This film's appeal is entirely sexual. The plot is bland, the acting is wooden, but the sex – that's what people want to see. Sadly, nothing much happens, and the sex scenes (of which there is surprisingly very few) are about as tedious as the rest of the film, which plays out like an amateur porno. A bad amateur porno. Imagine two hours of a porn film without the porn, just the cheesy build-up. That's essentially what this film is. They say anticipation is half the thrill – it's all the thrill in this film's case.
On a positive note, the cinematography is decent. But that's about it. All the same, nothing can save this film from the quagmire of tedium in which it is firmly sunk. The characters have no chemistry, and Dornan's thinly veiled Irish tongue leaks throughout. It's neither romantic nor sexy. Whoever commissioned this film should be bound and gagged. And not in a good way.