Man, you swallowed those blue pills faster than any previous victim

Rating: 1/10 (13 June 2015)

If the title 50 Shades of Grey, aside from the obvious play off a character name, is meant to imply some sort of moral ambiguity or complexity on the subject of love, sex, and kink, then there is definitely a case for a class action law suit here.
Full disclosure: I have not read the book. I know some who have read it, in full and in part. The impression I got from what talk I heard of the book was that it was just an unusually successful dirty book. I'm male, I have access to the internet, and don't feel enough of a sense of guilt over my dirty thoughts to have to dress them up in a story to read to give them good taste. Now, for the romantically inclined who are rolling their eyes right now, I beg you to not misunderstand me. I do have a sense of romance, and can enjoy a romantic story. If the movie is any kind of reflection on the book, however, you won't find any romance there. That isn't itself a bad thing if the movie is just serving to scratch an erotic itch for you. I'm willing to bet this movie will fail miserably in that department for you as well.
The principle issue with this movie as romance is both characters seem to suffer from some form of personality disorder. Our male lead, the not-so-secretly kinky billionaire Christian Grey, is supposed to be the archetype of the bad boy the female gets to "fix" and settle down with but this aspect of his character is handled with no grace at all. The script literally has him telling us that characterizations of him being heartless are based on just simple fact. He warns her, in about three different ways, that he and the whole love thing don't mix. He's in the market for a sex slave and he is more than willing to engage in polite and professional negotiations about it while he cuddles with you in the bath, and takes you to dinner with his family. Aside from the contradictions, he also suffers from Twilight syndrome in that most of his words and actions would be huge red flags that would have any woman reaching for a Taser or panic whistle and running.
Not a problem for the sheltered Anastasia Steele. (Excuse me as I groan every time I speak that name). Upon meeting the apparently dreamy Grey she offers very little hesitation in the "play room" and seems to be having a good time in the steamy scenes that she judges him intensely for because they are painful and demeaning. There is the most hilarious example of this that I can't even give you as it would qualify as a spoiler being essentially the end of the film.
If you wanted to see this film because of the sexual content, lower your expectations. The movie is rated R, there is nudity and simulated sex. Most of the "kink" is in dialog, and the two actors have zero chemistry with each other. The lack of chemistry combined with awkward and questionable character behavior throw a cold shower on any eroticism. One odd note, if you're a straight male whose girl wants you watch this with her, don't worry, it was directed by a straight guy who apparently had little regard for this movie's target audience. It suffers terribly from male gaze, as the camera is on the woman way more than the man. As I said though, it's little comfort as the scenes just don't work. I watched this with a friend and we were hoping the much cuter guy who shows up for a few seconds in one scene in the hardware store would appear again.
To readers who have seen this movie, can someone help me? There is a scene where Anastasia wakes to find "eat me" and "drink me" signs on the bed side table, and the "eat me" tray looks like it has big blue pills. Are these pills? Are they candy? Can someone tell me what they are? I've never seen anything like it and I certainly wouldn't have popped them in my mouth without a second thought! Is this a Matrix sequel? Seriously, the blue pills are bothering me!