Half-Off Discount! The Twenty-Five Things Fifty Shades of Grey Made Me Ponder

Rating: 2/10 (23 March 2015)

1. I'd really rather watch a movie about Anastasia Beaverhausen.
2. The only difference between this movie and the vampire movie, Twilight, is the lack of fangs. Oh, wait. Neither had any fangs.
3. "Fvck the contract. You think it's a little redundant, don't you?" asks Christian. Yes. Yes. Yes. And YES.
4. Oh, and the two-hour suspense of Miss Wishy Washy's "will she/won't she" sign the contract is as riveting as watching a bill get debated on C-SPAN.
5. I've seen more nudity, sex and fake bondage on YouTube. With the safety function on.
6. Considering Anastasia has the mind – and almost body – of a 5-year-old, the police should really look into Christian's porn stash.
7. "Listen to me: I don't do romance," says Christian perfectly as this is about as romantic as a hot tub filled with bleach.
8. Confusing an adult playroom with one that contains an "Xbox and stuff" makes me wonder if the target audience saw this as a double feature with The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water.
9. People might have wondered where Arnold Schwarzenegger was had this kept its original title of Predator.
10. We saw Walter White teach more chemistry in all five seasons of Breaking Bad than the director did to these two "actors" in this one movie.
11. A third grader could conduct a more stimulating interview, even without the use of the internet that seemed to be absent in the college student's research.
12. Laughably, homophobic actor, Jamie Dorman, gets asked by his costar, Dakota Johnson: "What are butt plugs?"
13. There's more "grey" in this than The Grey.
14. Anastasia's constant excuse for lack of emailing is that her computer is downin one of the most technically advanced cities in the world.
15. "Seattle? That's where we're going?" is the perfect question to ask someone who you know lives there and is headed homeand you have the brain of algae.
16. Too bad Kristen Stewart's clone experiment was a failure. But, on the bright side, if Dakota Johnson continues to "act," Kristen might very well be knocked off the top of the worst actress list.
17. It's an insult when you realize this doofus ditz is based on Bella from the Twilight series. And that's saying a lot when you know how awful Bella is.
18. Actually, Bella still has the prize as worse on screen chick. Bella's smart enough to use and destroy her many men. Anastasia holds but a tenth of those smarts.
19. Really, the safety word should be "R-Rating" as this was so incredibly safe, it should've been PG-13.
20. Anastasia strings Christian for so much of the movie, I almost wanted to tie her up myself. With a noose.
21. At least they perfectly matched the soundtrack with the manipulative lead character.
22. Unbelievably, this makes the similarly disastrous Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor look competent. Score one for Tyler Perry. Sadly.
23. I always say, "To each their own, as long as it doesn't harm another." Way to go, America, for eating up this horrible crap with unredeemable characters that set women back 90 years.
24. It's one thing to be introduced to a bumbling and tripping fool of a character, but for her to go around and around in circles and barely learn a single thing for two hours is just exhausting. But, in the movie's defense, it really does make you want her beaten up by the end. Preferably non-sexually.
25. Spoiler Alert! The truly laugh-out-loud, writer-just-gave-up ending was Pretty Woman, but without a climax, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings, but without the yearning for chapter two and The Matrix Reloaded with knowledge of what's coming next. It seriously reminded me of Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff and holding a sign that read "How about ending this cartoon before I hit?"