The Top Twenty-Seven Things I Took From Fast Five

Rating: 4/10 (21 August 2011)

1. There was enough testosterone in Fast Five for me to get married and divorced three times, due to dozens of affairsall with women.
2. To even use the phrase "Leave Your Brain at the Door" to describe this movie is like describing Phoenix, AZ as hot.
3. They gave The Rock a goatee so you can tell the difference between him and the other meathead.
4. The group-heist scheme was so juvenile, even Danny Ocean would call them amateurs.
5. Of course, they left it open for a sequel, which, no doubt, should be called The Fastisix.
6. Pregnant women that leap from two stories and crash through the roof of a structure should at very least get a spot on the next Planned Parenthood promotional video.
7. What comes after the following series of battles? King Kong Vs. Godzilla; Freddy Vs. Jason; Alien Vs. Predator; Pacino Vs. De Niro..uh, Dwayne Vs. Diesel?
8. Not everyone likes sequels being made. But, I'm sure as hell Paul Walker does.
9. The movie's not going to be considered for Best Picture anyways, so I hope they fired whoever made the decision to delete the scenes that the series is known for – racing cars to win other fast cars.
10. Thankfully, EBay sells everything, including an entire, full-size vault, exactly like the one you plan on robbing. Heck, in one click, you can get it delivered in hours. To Rio, no less.
11. The movie opened in April 2011 to $86 million which spun Hollywood Honcho's heads until summer began. Then their heads were just shaking.
12. Expecting Fast Five to be realistic is like believing there really are prehistoric piranhas in Lake Havasu, AZ.
13. Calling this predictable is as predictable as calling it predictable.
14. Incredibly, there wasn't a writer's strike during the production.
15. Sooothey steal four cop cars, and their first instinct is to race them in plain view?
16. Also, now that four cop cars are now missing, much to the bottomless pit of luck to our antiheroes, the police never bothered to GPS the cars, much less write a theft report.
17. Joker burned money to make a point. These guys did it because they couldn't come up with one original idea.
18. These guys have more lives than Jason Voorhees and yethave only about half as many sequels.
19. You could mute this movie and still know what's going on.
20. Cops turn bad so frequently in this series, they should turn to politics next.
21. The cartoonish finale is so "Yeah, Right" that it makes Wile E. Coyote's schemes plausible.
22. Why is it in heist movies, it's always their last gig? Their last take? Their last job? Their last everythinguntil the next installment?
23. What is Monica Geller doing in Rio robbing crooked police?
24. UFC called and asked Vinnie and Rockie how they can make their fights now not look so school-yard-brawl'ish.
25. When you find out you're gonna be a dad, asking the nearest tough guy his fondest memories of his own dad is like Ted Striker asking the guy next to him to pinch him to see if he was dreaming.
26. Wow...Vinnie's actually smarter than he looks. He took an additional role as Producer.
27. With everything wronghow on Earth was this just simply entertaining and probably the best of the series? (Yes, indubitably, I actually enjoyed this mindless flick.)