Turn your brain off...way off.

Rating: 3/10 (15 November 2012)

We watched this movie the other night knowing full well that this was going to be a "turn your brain off" type of movie but I didn't think it would be so incredibly stupid that it distracted the viewer from any sort of enjoyment.
First off, let me preface the rest of this review on the basis that I've only seen one other of the Fast and Furious movies and that was the very first one. While that one was pretty dumb, most of the action was enjoyable and exciting to me because I could say that most of the plot and the stunts were based in reality. Or if it went outside of it, it was only for a short while. Fast Five is not anything like that and often has a disregard for any sort of sense plot-wise or even the very slightest acknowledgment of the existence of basic physics.
Honestly, the simple plot would be acceptable for this type of movie but it's laid out and progressed through in such a poor manner that you don't even want to waste time even comprehending it or caring about it. That's one of the core issues - I don't care what happens. Brian and Dom get captured? They break out of their locks instantly and run away. How did they break out so easily? Who cares. Dom and the rest of his crew steal a bunch of cop cars and they race back through the streets with their lights and sirens on. Aren't they worried about getting caught by being the most wanted people ever? Who cares. Dom's crew needs to find out how to break into a several ton heavy safe but can't get access to it. They decide to practice by ordering their very own several ton heavy safe that is instantly delivered to their top secret warehouse. How did they get this so fast? Who paid for it? Who delivered it? Again, who cares. Since the director and writers apparently didn't care as well, why should I pay any attention to it either?
With the plot being useless, that leaves one other main area in this type of movie in which I should be able to get some enjoyment out of: the action sequences. Unfortunately, I spent most of my time yawning through them because they're just boring since their ridiculousness never convey a sense of danger or excitement. For example, near the beginning of movie, Dom and his crew jack some cars out of a moving train but end up getting in trouble. That trouble eventually leads Don and Brian to drive their car off an enormous cliff, to which they jump out of their car, and fall several thousand feet into the water without a scratch (add in the instant teleportation of the bad guys to the bottom of this cliff in case your eyes didn't roll enough). I know this doesn't so too bad if you haven't seen the movie but this cliff is seriously absolutely gigantic. They might as well as jumped into the Grand Canyon and just got up and dusted themselves off after they landed at the bottom.
Another outstanding action sequence occurs at the end of the movie. Don and the rest of his crew end up hooking up a few Dodge Chargers to a several ton heavy safe, pull it out of a wall, and then drive it through the streets of Rio causing destruction at every turn. I'm sorry, but a safe like that in this movie would weigh so much that it would be absolutely impossible to do this. Again, being this type of movie, I should just turn my brain off and accept it but you just can't. I could accept them pulling it out the wall and then opening it up there a second later but not pulling it several miles through the city like it's made out of paper mache.
By the end of this movie, I honestly thought they would just start flying and shooting laser beams out of their eyes. If the sequel will be anything like this movie, the director and the writers might as well just put something like this in that one. At least it would add comedy to the mix instead of pretending like this movie has anything to offer the viewer.