Idle 'Furious' needs a tuneup

Rating: 3/10 (26 May 2013)

Although critics seem to be following all over themselves about this film, the sixth installment in the "Fast and the Furious" series plays like an engine stuck on idle. It goes nowhere and leaves the viewer with nothing but mind-numbing FX and CGI that makes little or no sense and gives new meaning to the term "implausible." Blame it on director Justin Lin, though, as he cannot seem to decide if he wants to continue the "Fast & Furious" lowbrow modus operandi or create a Rent-A-Center James Bond flick.
Ultimately, however, it all ends up as a demolition derby where classic automobiles are smashed and destroyed under the weight of tanks and aircraft as well as a stilted, pretentious script. And, to add to the confusion, it's not even titled "Fast & Furious 6," but just "Furious 6," which is certainly an apt description of the emotion one feels after shelling out their hard-earned bucks to view this tripe.
With a cast headed by Vin Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (appearing in his 50th film so far this year), along with hangers-on Paul Walker (whose career peaked at "8 Below"), Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludicrous" Bridges, Michelle Rodriquez, Jordana Brewster and Luke Evans, among others, the acting is as ridiculous as the implausible (there's that word again) stunts which punctuate this effort every time the inane dialogue screeches it to a halt.
Alas, those stunts and car chases (and wrecks) which trademark the franchise, are so over-the-top stupefying and obviously fake - and the automobiles (which few of our readers as well as the author could never afford in two lifetimes) are smashed for no reason, whatsoever.
Not that the plot itself (the original F&F gang is reassembled by Federal Agent Hobbs - Johnson, fresh off his appearance in "Pain & Gain" - to stop British military traitor Owen Shaw, played by Evans, "The Raven," from selling secrets to the highest bidder) is strong enough to draw anyone into the theater, either.
The cast seems to sleepwalk through the production with only the occasional chase or explosion or plane crash to jar the audience out of its stupor. And speaking of airplanes, the concluding sequence - which features a Russian cargo jet lumbering for takeoff with cars and the entire cast either hanging from it or chasing it - goes on so long the runway has to be at least 50 miles long.
Instead of concentrating on the action on screen or the razor-thin story, all I kept wondering was just where they found a runway that long in the first place.
That was the only defense mechanism I had during this nonsense, just think of something else and get it over with. And pay no heed to the critics who write that the movie does what its supposed to do and that's why many of them recommend it.
A dog answering the call of nature on the side of the road does what's supposed to do, too, but that doesn't mean I want to watch that on the big screen.