FANTASTIC FOUR : Unspeakably Bad Film Based On Brilliant Source Material...

Rating: 1/10 (5 March 2006)

FANTASTIC FOUR
Now honestly, I knew I couldn't expect much when I rented this movie, but all I wanted was stupid entertainment. But this movie was so terrible and simple that it was confusing.
This has to be one of the most god-awful screenplays that Hollywood has ever produced. Being completely honest... I could have written a better screenplay and directed a better film.
The Fantastic Four as a comic-book has enormous cinematic potential because it takes a group of super-heroes who are reluctantly thrust into their roles as super-humans... however, their stories are even stronger b/c of the honest and deep family dynamic they hold as a team.
Every piece of that is lost in this translation to film. In order to set up a good franchise, they should have taken the time to explore who these people are before and during their mission to space. Reed's mission isn't described to the audience as anything deeper than "if we head into space and get a testing from a space cloud, we can help people live longer". That's honestly the most detailed description of his mission.
And the dynamic between Reed and Sue Storm is never actually apparent between the actors... there are only random moments of dialogue that spoon feed the audience the most elementary tension between them.
Basicall the film is a giant waste of a source material that could have made a great film. It's filled with implausibilities and unexplained errors... for example: - Why could Reed's every-day, cotton shirts stretch to unbelievable lengths along with his body? However, in order for Jessica Alba to become invisible she must strip off her clothes... yeah, very subtle... hot chick gets naked...

What was the point of The Thing (Michael Chiklis) saving the one suicidal man on the bridge? B/C in the process of doing so he destroys about 10 cars and probably kills numerous people on the highway.

How did The Thing manage to change himself back into his deformed self without anyone to push the button? - What was with all the BLATANT, BLATANT, BLATANT product placements? Pathetic.

If they were in quarantine, how did Chris Evans managed to take that awful actress from ACCESS Hollywood not only out of the building... but in a ****ing helicopter on a huge mountain? Aside from all of this, the performances are awful. The only actor who comes out slightly unscathed is Chris Evans as Johnny Storm/"Human Torch"... he obviously got to ad-lib some lines which gave him the best dialogue in the film. Jessica Alba is not only completely wrong for the role of Sue Storm (with a good screenplay this is the kind of role that should be played by Naomi Watts or Charlize Theron... she's supposed to be maternal and wise). Whoever played Mr. Fantastic should never work again. Micheal Chikless as The Thing offers one of the worst performances ever given while wearing such a ridiculous costume (The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were played better). And Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom wasn't scary for a single frame.

I can't tell if it's all to blame on Tim Story, the director *cough cough. I can tell you this is about one of the least talented young directors working today... TAXI and FANTASTIC FOUR, greeeeat resume buddy.
Honestly, I knew I couldn't expect much... but the universal awfulness of this movie was just ridiculous. Not once was it exciting, funny, or tense. It just wasted two hours of life. And it's extra disappointing b/c I can picture in my head how great of a film could have been made from the source material.
Awww well... Hollywood blew a good opportunity and everyone involved made a fool of themselves doing so. Too bad.
... F ...