I blame Johnny Storm

Rating: 6/10 (9 February 2006)

Well, the votes are in and "Fantastic Four," latest in a rapidly bloating sub-genre of superhero flicks, is officially deemed a turkey by the critics, and a qualified success by the audiences. What went wrong? Lot's of people might blame the weak villain, the slow pacing, the oddly uninteresting action sequences...I'm here to point the finger:
Johnny Storm.
You know how sometimes a supporting character steals every scene? Chris Evans is like that, but in reverse. He mangles every scene he's in. Somehow, his background antics manage to constantly distract the audience from the plot, the actual tensions (few though they are) in the dialog. Hell, he manages to ruin the humorous bits!
Look, I know they wanted the character to come off as brash, hotheaded, maybe even a trifle arrogant. But Evans, flashing a smarmy smirk at every chance, and flexing his plastic pectorals, actually reaches through arrogant and comes out the other side, past obnoxious and aggravating, and out into downright teeth-gratingly awful territory The actor is a disgrace. His timing is putrid. His tone of voice is like a harpy dancing up and down your spine. Heck, even his haircut stinks.
He ruins the movie. With every line he utters, you can feel your soul shriveling a little bit more. Every damn line. EVERY DAMN LINE! You just want to hunt down whoever was responsible for casting this wastrel and kick them out of Hollywood forever.