F4 needs a pity point just to make 4 stars.

Rating: 4/10 (11 July 2005)

I had hoped that Hulk and the last of the old Batman movies would have served as the gold standards for how NOT to make a superhero movie. So many high hopes horribly dashed. Curse Batman Begins and Spiderman for upping the ante if you will, but it seems that some directors and studios understand that a superhero movie should live up to both "superhero" and "movie". Sadly, F4 does neither.
The characters are as two dimensional as comic-book paper. They do things because the script writing team says they should. The script writers write these things because it sets up set pieces where things explode or the CGI machines get turned on or the *cough* plot is advanced. This all leads to big trailers and tie ins with toys and kids meals. On screen none of it feels realistic in the least.
Why was Spiderman good? Because we empathized with Peter. When he made decisions, we understood why. None of the characters in F4 are people you never care about any of them, so the action scenes carry no weight. There is no growth, no chemistry and groan-level humor is slathered on like whip cream in an attempt to cover it all up.
The villain is uninspired. You felt neither empathy nor fear, his plot to yadda-yadda was yawn and etc and who cares. The goofiest Batman TV show had better villain plots.
I would go on, but honestly if the writers couldn't be bothered, neither can I. If you want a good superhero team movie, I suggest you buy "Incredibles". The special features section of that DVD is a better superhero movie than all of F4.