This was a fantastic Farce!

Rating: 2/10 (25 September 2005)

What have the people of the united states done to deserve a movie this bad? I mean c'mon, how many bad superhero movies do we have to suffer through. This movie pleases neither the comic book fan which seeks some continuity to the books, nor the action movie fan that has no frame of reference (ie. the comic books) but seeks some intense action and special effects. It's just awful from the get go. I think they had better production value to the old wonder woman TV shows. It starts off with a hodge-podge cast of characters thrown together for some research on the radioactive properties of a passing comet, on a futuristic looking space station. Reed Richards is the emotionally devoid scientist, Ben Grimm his pilot buddy. Johnny Storm, the reckless co-pilot, Sue his uber hot sister (played by Jessica Alba), and the nefarious Victor Von Doom. Now here's my problem, they can't bring Doom to keep with the stories of the comics, but even breaking with comic continuity, why would an industrial billionaire insist on going into space for a dangerous science experiment? If Donald Trump was funding an expedition into the jungles of Brazil, do you honestly think he'd insist on going? That's why they're billionaires, they let their money do the work. And why do modern film makers also have a supermodel looking type scientist? How many hot chicks have you seen at NASA? As Rhodes scholars? In any scientific field? Not to say hot chicks aren't smart, but really, they're hot, so they don't have to resort to science to hide their hideous looks to the world. That's what homely looking nags do. And why would Sue want to hook up with Reed? The writers of a movie are the only thing making that possible. If their's one thing tabloid newspapers have taught me, it's that hot chicks go for millionaires, sports stars, or politically powerful people. They don't go for reclusive scientists, without a penny to their name. Anyway, the experiment goes wrong, and all five (Isn't that odd, there's only the five major players on the space ship, where are the support cast so obviously needed to operate a space station?) are affected by the radiation of the comet. Wow, isn't that clever, they are all given powers to reflect their personalities; Doom is power hungry, and he gets great metallic power. Johnny is a firebrand and reckless, thus he gets fiery powers. Reed gets the ability to stretch, I suppose because he's so thrifty stretching a buck. Sue, is given the ability to go invisible. Which would be more apt for someone shy and quiet. Alba doesn't play it that way though, so it really doesn't make sense. Anyway the only highlight of the rest of the movie is Alba stripping down to her bra and panties, but here's where the movie goes utterly wrong. Why not either make this a whole movie of Alba stripping down, or break down and hire a writer for the movie. I mean it's cut as if they were writing the scenes as they filmed. I swear some of the actors were actually standing around with no clue what would come next. Skip this, otherwise I'll show up at your house, and then it'll be "clobberin' Time!".