It's not horrible, but it's far from fantastic

Rating: 5/10 (21 July 2005)

Fantastic Four's stench is nowhere near as rancid as that of Catwoman, Elektra, or Daredevil, but it's really not all that fresh, and I don't know if back-handed compliments like that are really what the movie was shooting for. But hey, looking at the reviews it's getting I think it should take what it can get.
The movie is actually a little more entertaining than I thought it would be, but my expectations were lower than a Star Trek fan's on prom night, so that's not saying a lot. Yes, it provides a few laughs, and it didn't send me into the stupor that Daredevil did, but there just isn't anything at all about the movie that stands out. I can't pinpoint a specific thing about it that impressed me.
Shouldn't I be impressed on at least a small level? Am I supposed to be bowled over by Jessica Alba turning invisible? Yeah, Claude Rains did it in an equally convincing fashion in 1933. Oh, I know, how about The Thing? He's a big rock dude who should be able to do massive amounts of damage! Weeeeell, unfortunately his foam rubber costume looks ridiculous. I know Chiklis fought hard against using CGI because he wanted to bring the human element to the character, but he apparently forgot about the "laugh out loud at how ridiculously fake the costume looks" element. Chiklis does a pretty good job, but come on. The main problem with the character is that he spends most his time either lamenting his condition or being cute. Yeah, you're a big rock, wah, get over it and DO SOMETHING! And could someone please tell me who thought Ioan Gruffudd would make a good Richard Reed? This guy is supposed to be the leader of the group? I guess he was close to being a convincing leader. All he lacked was charisma, intensity, toughness, charm, emotion, and courage. Other than that... It also didn't help that most the scenes where he was using his stretching ability looked like they came straight out of Looney Tunes.
At least they had a really cool bad guy, right? Surely you can't go wrong with Dr. Doom! Apparently you can if Dr. Doom is in the hands of the guy who directed Taxi. Dr. Doom spends the entire movie looking like an older Kerr Smith from Dawson's Creek, and then we get about 10 minutes of him in the mask? Wow, thanks. And after the transformation he really isn't all the menacing or threatening. He sounds like he's talking in a subway tunnel. Plus, his anger is understandable.
The guy has his entire business and livelihood stripped away from him, so naturally he's gonna be pretty ticked off. Then the Fantastic Four get all the praise and glory for their new super powers? Bitter? Yeah, I think he might be. He loses everything while they all become heroes. Let's face it, somebody with the name of Victor Von Doom is destined to be a bad guy, there's really no way around that, so it would've been nice if he'd actually had an edge to him. Where's the darkness? I'm more scared of Christian Bale as Batman, and he's a good guy! Doom comes off as a bad guy for 6-year-olds to not be too scared of.
Another nitpick complaint is since this is supposed to be an origin movie, why aren't we given an explanation as to why each person got the specific super powers he or she did? It's barely hinted at that the powers reflect the personalities of each person, but why exactly does Jessica Alba gain the power of invisibility? Are they trying to claim she has transparent acting ability? Speaking of which, she sure looks good in her Fantastic Four outfit, but where is the emotion? Where is the conviction? I know she wasn't given much to work with, but put a little power in your line delivery! This certainly didn't help fuel the romantic angle between her and Dr. Reed. Whew, that didn't pan out, now did it? I saw more spark in my 10-year-old brother's eye when he watched Dakota Fanning in Uptown Girls than I did between these two. You'd think two scientists would know at least a little something about chemistry. *rim shot* Thank you, thank you.
I do have to give Chris Evans some credit though. He actually seemed to be having fun with the role, and his character actually has a personality. While the others were whining and moaning about their new, cool super powers, he was genuinely excited about it. That's how I'd be. I'd just shrug my shoulders, ask myself how much fame and money I could make off my little DNA alteration, and run with it.
But let's be honest, we all have to admit that the words, "Wow, Chris Evans really carried the movie," don't speak well for the movie as a whole.
As a superhero movie, this just isn't that good, folks. The best way for me to describe Fantastic Four is that it felt like a pilot for a TV show. As a "Chris Evans at the Apollo" showcase it works, but as a comic book translation? Nah. It comes off as more of a "sitcomic book translation." BA DA BING! Man, I'm just full of 'em today.
Let me leave you with a public service announcement: if you're a Fantastic Four fanboy, and you end up really enjoying this movie, then I'm truly happy for you. But please, under no circumstances ever refer to this as "funtastic." You deserve to be punched if you do.