A lackluster and brainless mediocrity

Rating: 5/10 (6 November 2005)

Fantastic Four's debut is a stale and pedestrian introduction to the superhero genre. Unlike Spider-man and X-men, and Batman Begins, it's a standout film due to its light-heartedness. But it is notch below the belt, not because the F4 weren't dark enough, but because they are too minor-league as superheroes. They're just too boring and too self-loathing for folks to care about. A novice-like director like Tim Story is just too one-dimensional for such a project; the film's special effects and the set pieces look cheap (I'm guessing because of the film's budget) instead of mind-blowing and thrilling; while the screenplay is half-baked & clichéd instead of dramatic, comedic or romantic. The movie is meant to establish things just to keep them moving. But there's nothing going on for the 4 once they're zapped by the cosmic storm. Instead of showing off their super- cool powers, ¾ of the film is spent on the 4 characters being bunched up in Reed Richards' pad arguing and moping about how they wan t to be normal, while Reed searches for a cure to what they call their "disease". Jesus, this is a superhero film for crying out loud. This is supposed to be a film about a group of ordinary civilians who get zap by cosmic rays, gain super powers, and fight crime. Whenever you have heroes that suck at their game, at least you want the villain to prove otherwise. But for Dr. Doom, the motive is about blaming people for his stupid mistakes and go off to kill them. Alas, his skin is affected by the rays; turning into metallic metal that conducts electricity.
The notion to cast Jessica Alba as Sue Storm was pretty idiotic. If a chick with the acting chops & good looks as Alba is given a role as a quintessential female who's a Genetic Researcher & M.I.T grad, then you'll probably have trouble letting it all sink in. But I think the writers know this (just a theory); otherwise why cast this woman for a role as a "Genetic Researcher", make her wear eyeglasses and not give her anything intelligent to do or say? Ioan Gruffudd is such a disappointment, and that's because he's the lead. If you thought Alba was the main defender, then you'd better pay attention to Gruffudd's work and you'll see that this guy has some talent. But in sheer irony, he sadly sucks hard in this film; giving the most boring performance ever. Sure, Reed Richards is an absent-minded genius and an introverted sap, but even he has some traits good enough to make him interesting. Chris Evans is fair as Johnny Storm the Human Torch and that's only because Johnny is the only character with personality. Johnny is the only member of the foursome who embraces his newfound gifts; he sort of help keeps the crowd from giving up on these losers. Michael Chiklis is the only redeeming thing going here; given somewhat, a distracting latex suit to don as the Thing. Nothing about Julian McMahon is the essence of "Doom." He's just a handsome face, and there's nothing menacing or villainous about him.
Not that I was expecting realism from a comic-book film, but there's no excuse for any lack of logic. After a colossal car accident on the Brooklyn Bridge, Sue Storm is asked by Reed Richards to go invisible (but her powers aren't allowing her to do the same to her clothes). So she strips down in order for her and her friends to get pass the crowd, but she and the others still had trouble getting pass them. To me, she would've had trouble getting pass the crowd whether she was invisible or not. Maybe this could've helped if she had the power to teleport.
The action scenes (count 2) are sloppy and shortincluding the final battle between the FF and Dr. Doom. The heroes easily defeat Doom without breaking a sweat? It's like: "Man, Dr. Doom turned into metal all this time just to get his ass kick?" How pathetic.
Fantastic Four is just a mess. It may be good for the kidssince kids can't tell the difference between bad jokes and bad dialogue from good ones, and they'll go for the campy vibe that the film has, though there are some innuendo every now an then. But anyone old enough to buy alcohol, or have an I.Q higher then their waist measurements might avoid this film at all cost.