Not very fantastic at all

Rating: 1/10 (26 February 2006)

Not all comic books translate well to the big screen, whether because the material is too complex or too offbeat or because the people handling it just don't know what to do with it or because the powers that be want something that isn't what the source material is at all. And sometimes a comic book movie franchise can start off well but end terribly - see the Superman and Batman films made circa 1978-1987 and 1989-1997 respectively. Meanwhile, "Spawn", "Steel" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" h ave not done too well.
So far the X-Men and Spider-Man films, while not without their flaws and weak points, have been very successful and popular with both fans and critics, but other Marvel properties such as Captain America, Daredevil, Elektra, the Incredible Hulk and the Punisher, have only run the gamut from noble failure to complete steaming pile of dog crap. But surely the Fantastic Four should have been one of the more dud proof Marvel properties in the hit or miss summer business, and in a way, they were, for this 2005 film did well enough to be considered a hit and garner a sequel despite poor acting, poor plot, and poor direction from Tim Story. Exactly how this extremely bad adaptation of the superhero quartet that not only single handedly saved Marvel in the 1960s but pave the way for a string of heroes who, for better or worse, would go on to outshine and overshadow them in terms of sales and popularity became a hit is a mystery to me. While not as bad as "Elektra" or "Catwoman" (oh it hurts to even mention that one), the 2005 Fantastic Four is a failure on most levels (I can only imagine how bad the 1994 version was).
Things that are wrong with the film? Well, first of all, the film's biggest weak link is Jessica Alba as Susan 'Sue' Storm, AKA: The Invisible Girl/Woman. Sue Storm is not an ugly, pasty looking Hispanic girl, she is a nice looking Caucasian woman who is at least 30 years old. Adding insult to injury is the fact that Alba is a very bad actress; she couldn't emote to save her life. Whenever she tries to sound tough or passionate or authoritative, she comes across as bland, hollow, dispassionate, and uninspired (it's like watching Natalie Portman in the Star Wars prequel trilogy). When Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) is told he could have any woman in the world but indicates that Sue is very special, it's hard to understand exactly what it is about Sue that he finds so compelling or intriguing or worthy of his evil, twisted lust, since there isn't really much at the core of Sue in this uninspired film translation. And if you think I'm being mean, the British press described Alba's miscasting and poor characterization of Sue as a cross between a whiny, pushy bitch and a hollow lust object - but who in their right mind would find Alba even remotely attractive is beyond me. If they had to go under 30 to cast the Invisible Woman, with the intention of having the Invisible Woman be caught repeatedly with her clothes off, they could have at least hired an actress who was actually good looking, like Amy Smart, Ali Larter or Julia Stiles - Julia Stiles at least projects an Earthiness not seen in most actresses her age. One of the great leading ladies of comic books (alongside Wonder Woman, Lois Lane, Jean Grey and Storm), Sue Storm-Richards deserved better, and so did Ioan Gruffud's Mr. Fantastic.
Alba's male co-stars, the aforementioned Ioan Gruffud as Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards, Chris Evans as her younger brother Johnny Storm/Human Torch and Michael Chikilis as Ben Grimm/the Thing, fair much better than she does. Gruffud is an affable, absent minded Reed, but as with Dr. Doom, it's hard to imagine exactly what it is Reed sees in Alba's Sue. Evans does the cocky yet likable young guy thing as well as any other actor his age can. Michael Chikilis is easily the strongest of the four as the cranky, crotchety Thing. If only he'd have clobbered Tim Story...
Julian McMahon, meanwhile, is a very poor Dr. Doom. McMahon's Doom is very hollow and empty, lacking the powerful presence, malice, charm and evil incarnate necessary to make Doom register as a threat. And this is Dr. Doom for crying out loud, one of the most famous Marvel villains out there! This guy is to the Fantastic Four what Magneto is to the X-Men, and also a rumored inspiration for Darth Vader of the Star Wars films!
A few decent action sequences and a few genuinely funny moments aren't enough to elevate this thing above the garbage that it is. Tim Story, chosen with only the urban comedy "Barbershop" as his standout credit, because the Marvel folk wanted to take a change of pace from the gritty, brooding superhero films that dominate so much of today's market, which I can appreciate, but it failed miserably because Story has no knack for subtlety or action sequences. The violence is mildly engaging but hardly exciting, especially since Story failed to properly flesh out the characters enough to make you care as to whether or not they'll survive and save humanity.
Just skip it and stick with the comic books. Or even the 1994-1996 animated version.