This movie sucks

Rating: 4/10 (26 January 2009)

I'm not going to give it a completely craptastic rating since I've never read the F4 comics as a kid or whenever, but this movie was just bad in so many different ways. In an era of superhero films where we see them taking on a usually childish genre with incredible, mature, and serious finesse (case in point, the X-Men series), we expect there to be some kind of obvious change from the nonsense we've seen before.
F4 has no such pretensions. It's blatantly obvious about the transition from "dude" to "superhero", even making such pithy statements as "we need a team vehicle" and "let's sell our own marketing brand!" *SNORE* Yes, that's exactly what we need to see, a marketing ad in a film that's poorly disguised as self-mockery. Never mind a good story or a good premise for a film, let's turn this into the "round of laughs" nonsense.
As for the premise of the story, well, I'm not really quite sure what it's supposed to be. First we have the origin story... okay... I'll give them that, even though they've royally screwed with Dr. Doom's origin story and source of his powers. Then we have some weird interlude where they figure out how to use their powers, then save a bunch of people from a pointless, random pileup on a bridge. Then, taking the nonsense further, this is where they try to go into the "marketing scheme", with the characters discussing logos, action figures, etc and a dull side story about The Thing and his quest to get back to his older self. Too bad it's about as well executed as watching a rock sit on a bench.
They manage to shoehorn the Thing's classic line ("It's clobberin' time!") without it really making sense, and Johnny Storm's character is about as poorly acted as a plank of wood. The only redeeming thing about this film is watching Jessica Alba for the eye candy, because as far as acting talent goes, she has none. Don't bother renting or watching this movie.