Horrid writing, deplorable casting and acting that would make B-movie actors look away in shame

Rating: 1/10 (28 August 2005)

Seldom do you see a movie that looks so bad from the beginning, that no matter how many fanatics tell you it's great, no matter how often the thought that it might actually not be that bad hits you, it doesn't even in the least affect that deep down, in your core, you know it will be just as bad as you knew from the start. This is one such movie. I've spent the last twenty or so minutes searching for something, anything in the film that should, nay, must raise the rating above the absolute lowest score I could give it... with no luck. The plot makes little to no sense. It's clearly just put together in order to bring the comic book characters to the big screen. It also seems like the writer(s?) didn't have more than one idea for the script, so he just reused it over and over. One of the members are unhappy... start a fight, get angry, leave. That takes place two or three times during the film, with little to nothing separating them. Just as they get back together, someone new is discontent. That's not a film, that's a bunch of different takes on the same short stitched together to reach minimum length for a feature film. The pacing seems non-existent. Scenes go on and on, and there's no telling how far you are from the end. The acting is mostly bad. The casting is completely off, for pretty much(did I say pretty much? Scratch that) every character. Susan Storm as a mulatto? Reed Richards as a thirty-something? What is wrong with you people? Also, let me just make it clear, I'm not a fan of the comics whatsoever. I loathe their powers, I hate Johnny Storm and I despise how much everyone else(other superheroes included) look up to them. So I'm not one to criticize inaccuracies. But come on! The writing is incredibly poor. There are lines that make no sense, lines that have no humor to them whatsoever, and lines that make you cringe... guess the writer knew it was poor and decided to just throw in everything he could. To give a quick example, one character says, in full seriousness, to describe another person: "You're such a dork!" Yes, honestly. Character motivations and development just isn't there. Look for it as hard as you will, it ain't there. The humor rarely ever works, and is completely juvenile in tone and nature. The writers come up with one or two scenes that have attractive actors of both genders undressing, for no other reason than eye-candy. Just for anyone who cares, no, there's no nudity, and the two actors are Jessica Alba and Chris Evans. Sure, she's hot(and I'm certain most females would think that description is fitting for Evans), but when there's no point to it whatsoever, it just leaves you feeling offended as a viewer. For a comic book movie, there's nearly no super-villain action whatsoever... there's one fight, and it's very short, at the very end. That's all, folks. Now, since there should be some positive stuff in any review, no matter how negative it is... Julian McMahon is great as Dr. Victor Von Doom, and he may actually even be well-cast. I *love* him as a villain, from seeing him on Charmed for several years, and he repeats the success here. Problem is, he has way too little to do, and far too little screen-time. Then there's the special effects... I can't deny that most of them look great. Still, those two things aren't enough to bring this above bottom rating. Less offensive to the fans than Spiderman, but more poorly produced. Just bad in pretty much every way. Keeps some of the comic book tone, but not one to make a point of seeing. I recommend this to special effects junkies and people who care just enough about the comics to see the movie, but still little enough to accept the many inaccuracies. No real fan should be subjected to it, unless he or she can accept how much they screw up. Again, it's not as bad as Spiderman on that front, but it's still pretty bad. 1/10