A meaningless, forgettable remix of moments from better films

Rating: 2/10 (11 December 2016)

Do you want to see inexplicable creatures floating around and destroying New York City, but you aren't into superhero films like THE AVENGERS? Would you like to see the collective memory of that same city wiped clean of said incident, and were you born so late that you have no idea what MEN IN BLACK is about? Are you curious what a teen with an evil mother figure might do if bestowed with dangerous powers, but CARRIE and all the POLTERGEIST movies seem icky to you? Have you ever wanted to tame a dragon but decided that a movie called HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON was a little "on the nose"? Have you ever wanted to travel back in time to see a Carey Mulligan-type actress in a bob, but your parents told you that any adaptation of THE GREAT GATSBY with rap music must be of the devil? Have you yearned to watch an evil swarm of swarmy bee-like things swarm, but you decided STAR TREK BEYOND was too nerdy for you? Or quite simply did you ever wish that there were an incarnation of The Doctor from DOCTOR WHO that managed to never, ever look anyone (snakeypuffs and planticrawls excepted) in the eyes?
YES? To all of that? Then do we ever have the movie for you!
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Fantastical Beasts is a meaningless amalgamation of clichés, borrowed scenes, ineffective attempts to tug at heartstrings, and shockingly bad (for 2016!) special effects. While the female lead was endearingly and masterfully played by Katherine Watterston, it wasn't close to enough to make this film worthwhile. Yes, this is even true if one knows enough of the Potterverse to know who Grindlewald is, although apparently if a Potterhead is desperate enough, this film will taste like manna: Heavenly to the starved, and like generic, flavorless carbohydrates to the rest of us.