Nothing new under the sun. Total letdown

Rating: 4/10 (27 December 2017)

This movie was nothing new and that was the most disappointing to me. We've already seen weird creatures in Harry Potter. And Pokemon. The CGI was nothing new. We already know what New York looks like. We already know how spells work. We know the government and dark sorts of magic are the "enemy" in this universe.
The movie didn't know whether it wanted to be for grown ups or kids. For people who like action and mysterie, or fantasy and comedy. I'm sorry, but you can't put all those things together in two completely different stories in one movie, if they have no connection what so ever up until the very end. You know what were never really the enemy in HP and thus a completely cool and new Potterworld concept? _Muggles_ as the enemy. The Witch hunt, anyone? Not a single school or save place to teach magic and keep hidden to write a movie about? How the English witches and wizards spread their magic across Europe and America in medieval times?
Well, maybe the shock value of seeing witches and wizard students and alike burned at the stake or hanged, but it sure as hell is a better idea than a cliché scavenger hunt in a cliché setting with cliché, unfunny comic relief characters in a cliché city. My god, from all the places in the world, after the beautiful castle and nature and beautiful sets in Harry Potter, you choose a dirty, dark, filthy, busy, well-known city? And then not even having any consequences to the distruction and eyewitnessing that occurs? Then what is the point?! There is no reason this story should take place in New York or any city really.
And the pairings. Oh goodness, the awkward pairings. With Queenie and Jacob as the "Charming, funny, sweet" couple and Newt and whats-her-face, Porpensia? (dear lord, such an unbearable, unlikable character) as the "socially awkward illogical couple" I mean come on. The books may be different but the movies all have a shocking lack of chemistry between the romantic pairings. Yikes, how awkward to watch.
And performances so wooden, like that of whatsherface Porp.. something, or the eyes averting awkward pile of unintelligible acting from Eddie Redmayne, the ridiculous "No-Maj" word, every scene with Queenie's borderline slutty character, That Rhino matingdance, the enraging ILLOGICAL decisions the character made to create more drama-, all at least worth a cringelevel of 56 failed handshakes.
Even as a big Harry Potter fan, this movie was boring to watch. Two hours of shiny CGI along with two different stories, five different villains and four heroes who are about as interesting to watch as watching paint dry. Not even the forced, shoved in references to the original franchise do not help, as one of the last things we find out from this movie is that Johnny Depp is gonna be the main villain. Noooooooo...
It hurts.