It's high time to stop these crap flowing!

Rating: 3/10 (19 June 2007)

Three guesses why they rarely can do a decent Marvel adaptation:
1:-( The targeted audience must (?) contain everyone. Initially studios considered comic book adaptations to be well on the risky side (and it was true of course, before CGI), so they couldn't allow themselves to let a single ticket loose. They don't seem to realize that there's not much risk in putting a Marvel character up to the silver screen than in making an adaptation of a bestselling novel. Not any more. Some films don't even try to deny this old-fashioned attitude, like this Fantastic Four flick. It's a family movie, NOT a comic book adaptation! (See what they made of The Thing. Originally, as I remember him, it was a bitter and rough character who easily got into a rampaging mood and cigarette smoke surrounded his face. Now, he's a funny-burper, who never stops apologising for his lovable clumsiness. Cute? Pathetic is the word.)
2:-( Stan Lee is a sentimental old gentleman, who once put the soul into the superheroes, but I guess most of the readers (except weirdos like Banky) are turning through the pages on which Peter Parker is listening to the words of wisdom of Aunt May, or the Torch is having a dilemma about enjoying himself instead of wishing the whole cosmic radiation debacle hadn't happened... Readers like to see them kicking a$$! And I hope moviegoers even more so. And since the likes of Blade, The Matrix and the whole new breed of Chinese cinema, kicking a$$ doesn't mean hurling CGI-flashes at each other! Would it be TOO violent if we saw something like The Thing lands a king-sized punch on some(one/thing)s face? In slow-mo if I could ask for more?! And of course in that case he would move like he wasn't a husky guy in a ton of latex foam, but like he was a comic book icon brought to life! Kiddies can beat/shoot the living s**t out of a (more and more realistically animated) person with their Playstation consoles, but can't see such things on screen? Hipocracy has no boundaries.
3:-( When they try their best shot and aim a bit higher, say in Batman: The Beginning, they still just reach up to the adolescent-level. There you go with a problematic, dark", philosophic hero who still doesn't kick a$$. Well he does some, but we don't actually SEE it, thanks to the director. All we see is a cape-ballet and a pointy-eared freak hanging upside down. Tormented soul? Who the f@k cares? Like, are we in high school, moaning around the I doesn't fit in"-theme, or what? If your character is problematic, put them in a likewise problematic universe. An unrealistic one (well, unrealistic as in comic-book-universe, rings a bell?) where they can beat up the baddies without (quasi-)moral pullbacks. Like in Sin City or in Blade or 300 (I know it's a bit rich but still, it's based on a graphic novel, so basically fits in the row). Weren't them successful? I think they were all right.
So, sweeping this together: - If you're an adult who doesn't happen to be a Marvel-Universe-freak, don't go to see this one. (You won't see more of Jessica Alba's bare skin than you would on the Academy Awards, so it doesn't count either...) - If you are a kid, who doesn't like to be treated as a dumba$$, don't go to see it either. If these flicks fell big in a row, while the likes of 300 kept harvesting, they would maybe reconsider some issues and you wouldn't miss anything, there's always ways to see a rated film;-) - If you are a casting director, please note that Chris Evans at least have the decency to actually look like a superhero, unlike Tobey Maguire... - If you are a costume designer, please note that (unless you have the actors with perfect bodies like Evans and Alba) a solution MUST be the Silver Surfer way: a perfect shaped stunt" with no actual clothes on, and certainly not an average dude squeezed into a Mexican luchador outfit! (Even the facemask fits into this category.) - If you are a director, take the bother to see some Chinese action (Stephen Chow would be highly recommended!), put it together with some really dynamic music, and don't be shy when it comes to slow motion. (I know it will raise some eyebrows, but remember Charlie's Angels? A piece of action while Prodigy's 'Smack My B**ch Up' is thundering away? Now, that is badly needed these days...) - If you are Stan Lee...well, with respect sir, but keep your influence away from the world of cinema. Rethink or retire!