The only connection to the comic; This mess rates in the Negative Zone!!

Rating: 1/10 (22 October 2007)

I'm pretty critical about most film, but I've never been a snob about genre. I've seen great, visionary work in Action, Sci-Fi, Horror, Comedy, Drama... you name it.
I've also been reading the Fantastic Four comics for 30 years. As a kid, I used to dream about my favorite heroes making the leap to the big screen. This type of film is a complete embarrassment to the comic, which (as a medium) has been so maligned over the years as a lowbrow form of entertainment. If the comics are lowbrow, this celluloid atrocity is NO-brow.
First, let me comment on the cast:
 Ben Grimm (The Thing) is supposed to be a mammoth, imposing creature. NOT an "aww-shucks" curmudgeon that constantly stares at his feet and apologizes to anyone he brushes against, or even startles from a distance! I felt like I was watching Shemp!! Pathetic.
 Sue Storm (Invisible Girl) looks like a Volkswagen full of clowns crashed into her face! If you have to put THAT much effort into convincing us that this is a blond-haired, blue-eyed all-American girl-next-door, why bother? They've bastardized the whole thing so badly already; why not just leave Alba as she is? Otherwise, just cast someone who actually FITS the part! It's not like Alba is any great actress. "Why does this always happen to ME?" (as opposed to it happening to anyone else) laments the oaken-spoken Invisible girl, after an embarrassing scene wherein she becomes visible just after she loses her clothes? I don't know, Jessica.... Is it because you're the only one who can go from visible to INvisible? If you meant that this SITUATION always happens to you, wouldn't you put the emphasis on ANY OTHER WORD besides "ME"??? Just awful.
 Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic).... I understand the need to give the stiff-collared, human computer a "hip" overhaul for today's young audience... but this schlemiel bears NO resemblance to his comic book namesake. He's about 20 years too young, he's a SHRIMP (Reed should be thin, but tall) and, as an actor, he ranks a notch below Dan Marino! NEXXXTT!!!
 Johnny Storm (Human Torch) is probably the only redeeming interpretation of an FF member in the film. He's cocky, impetuous and a superstar w/ the ladies. His performance caused me no pain. No complaints.
As far as the story and the dialogue go.... UGH. This is where I draw the line. Over 60% of this dog focuses on just how difficult it is for super-heroes to have a wedding. WHO CARES? That is no basis for a whole STORYLINE. The whole mess amounts to incessant, insipid and puerile dialogue that gets ZERO miles to the gallon. If you're going to put these characters under a microscope this way, write some dialogue that doesn't sound like a passage from Goofus & Gallant! The characters, again, were so off-the-mark that I thought I might begin to throw up, and never stop. Reed Richards, with a little prodding, becomes a high-steppin' chick magnet on the dance floor? I needed a double scotch after that one.
Doctor Doom was just a pointless addition, and his character is so far removed from what Doom is all about, they may as well have left his entire screen-time on the cutting-room floor.
This is, perhaps, the most witless script I have ever cringed through. Stan Lee's writing was like TOLSTOY compared to this abortion. As big a fan as I am of the FF comics, I held off on seeing EITHER FF movie in the theatre, and after suffering through this wince-a-thon, I know my decision was justified.
Lastly, the special effects looked like something that Sid & Marty Krofft cobbled together after smoking some Sigmund. The above-referenced sequence featuring our Mr. Fantastic on the disco floor had the most pathetic "stretch" effects you can imagine. The Thing looks like a fat brick-layer from Paterson, NJ. He can't comfortably sit on an airplane seat? The Thing would need an entire two ROWS, people. The Silver Surfer looked OK, but the mercurial terminator from Terminator 2 (SIXTEEN YEARS AGO) looked just as good as this. Regardless, if they had spent 40 of the minutes they wasted on the whole wedding nonsense on the Surfer, the film might have been bearable.
Kirby would spin endlessly in his grave, we he aware of how corrupted his creations have become.
Quite possibly the WORST comic-book adaptation ever made.