If this is a masterpiece, I'm Bill Shakespeare

Rating: Null/10 (9 December 2002)

Warning: Spoilers
The first thing I have to say about this movie is that it was duller than dishwater. It's long, it's slow, nothing happens, and then it just ends without rhyme or reason.
Second thing: virtually every female in the movie spends all her onscreen time fully or partially naked, even when it had nothing to do with the plot. Why did we have to see Nicole Kidman get dressed for the party at the beginning? Why didn't we get to watch Tom Cruise start in his birthday suit and then put on his clothes? I guess it must be because Stanley Kubrick, now gone to the great beyond, must have been some kind of pervert. It just got to be ridiculous. There are Tom and Nicole whining to each other in the bedroom, with her in see-through underwear rolling around the floor, literally, while he sits sedately on the bed in dark boxers. Then he goes to some sick black magic orgy in which all females march around starkers while the men boink them not only fully-clothed but in full evening dress with big long Dracula capes. Blecch. Enough with the adolescent/geriatric Hugh Hefner fantasy.
When I think of all the pulp and paper, not to mention ink, wasted by so-called critics extolling the mastery of this steaming pile... Even the acting was dull. I've only seen Kidman in two movies, and she has the same fluttering mannerisms in both, and mannerisms aren't acting, no matter what they tell you in Drama 101.
In the end it was inexplicable. This waste of time wouldn't appeal to horndogs wanting a triple X movie, and it doesn't appeal to normal movie-watchers wanting a coherent story and a little intelligence.

I'll be generous and give it one star.