sphincter wired shut... bloody awful "movie" if you want to call it that.

Rating: 1/10 (15 February 2000)

This movie *deep breath*, where to start... Ok. It is probably the worst movie I have seen in the theater, ever.
I see a LOT of movies. I enjoy watching every other Kubric movie. This thing I did not. How horrible. Lets see:
NO plot. None. Not anywhere to be found. If you read the taglines maybe you'll see some ephemeral something somewhere. Detestable main characters. No suspense. Cinematography I sincerely believe was done by Kubric's corpse or something.
The centerline wavered so badly in one scene (when whiny-boy was lumbering along the street towards his one evil brush with a group of homophobic college kids milling about an empty street) that I'm sure it was Kubric-corpse holding the camera.
The soundtrack got on my nerves, badly. That one fingered drunken casio-piano noise really got under my skin.
Every time they built up ANY kind of suspense... they killed it dead. The sex-club was a HUGE joke. I really don't think anyone thinks that tame-ol-thing was risque. (I hope.) We are supposed to feel sorry for Pretty-whiny-rich-boy whose solution to problems = shelling out $100 bills from his wallet. Oooooh. Damn. I wish I could have his problems. And I wish I could be the drooling guy that could swagger up to Nicole Kidman and guzzle her drink and spout such cool lines as (paraphrased) "Yes, I know it was your drink." If he were coming onto my wife, I'd laugh so hard I'd probably keel over dead. And the scene drug on and on and on... ad nauseum.
I sat stunned after the movie was over... then applauded. It was so damned bad that not one person in the theatre had the audacity to even give me a sharp look. How could they? I'm sure they read the "enlightened" reviews of just how "deep and neat" Kubric's last film could be.
If you were to happen upon a copy for free somewhere (some luckless shlep bought it and is trying to give it away before friends and family see it) do yourself a favor... watch the first couple of minutes to see Nicole's touche. Fast forward to see her get fondled a couple of times. Find the scene where Poor-Richie falls flacid when confronted with an ultra-beautiful woman that wants to have sex with him. Laugh at him. Oggle her. She is the most beautiful creature in the film. Then give the movie a quick flip into the garbage can. There really is nothing to see.
Manos, Hands of Fate has it beat on all fronts.
Now, you will hear the pseudo sub-intellectual crowd that hangs out in front of Borders trying to tell you that it had deep meaning. So does my belly button. But my belly button does have better cinematography. I could take a polaroid. It'd eclipse anything in THAT film. However, while my stomach is much more interesting than this film, I'd never submit to such seemingly endless torture for it either.
That being said, if you want to watch it, go ahead. Just don't have any expectations. In fact, watch it with a date. He/She'll be so bored that watching plants grow would be entertaining. If you can't strike up a conversation during this movie... give it up.