So what did we learn at school today, kids?

Rating: Null/10 (4 October 1999)

(some elements of this review may be considered spoilers)
I hadn't anticipated that the intellectual scope of this film would be quite so broad. It beggars belief that it took a mere two and a half hours to explore those two crucial questions:
"do women masturbate?" and,
"does everyone on earth want to have sex with Tom Cruise?".
And it is good to see that Kubrick was unafraid to fly in the face of the conventional wisdom of "yes" and "seldom after they are twelve years old". Instead we are presented with the stunning revelations that women dream about men in uniforms and giggle and that, faced with the superhuman charms of Mr Cruise, models will become bisexual, prostitutes will forego their fees and immigrants will sell their adolescent daughters.
The only mystery left with this film is how long it will be before the studio lets the cat out of the bag: Kubrick clearly died some time before they'd even started filming. What we are left with is a two hour narcissistic w*nk video for Hollywood's dream couple.
So what did we learn at school today? Kubrick, Kidman and Cruise all begin with a "kuh" and masks just aren't scary any more.