Sex, Lies, and Mask with Cape

Rating: Null/10 (18 March 2005)

I can see how this movie tries to explore the intricate details of a sexually deficient relationship. It wasn't hard to realize that both Tom and Nicole's characters were suffering because of a lack of passion between them. It is also obvious that Bill's night-long sexual escapade was a unsuccessful quest to fill that void, and that it lead to a kind of awakening in him. These things are clear, but they do not make for a compelling movie. This film is hailed as being one of Kubrick's finest works, maybe even his best, but I found it to be a horrid display of acting and film-making that too many people automatically claim to be thought-provoking and a work of genius. It was neither.
Choosing a real life celebrity couple to play the parts of Alice and Bob was a terrible idea. Sure celebrities have the most hands-on experience with screwed up relationships, but that doesn't mean they need to act it out. And with these two I use the word 'acting' quite loosely. The movie tries to create sexual intrigue as it trods along from scene to naked scene where either Kidman is acting like an exaggerated nitwit, or Cruise is wandering around in a haze of confusion, as if the script was being revealed to him via telepathy. There was nothing serious or real about these two people. And if there's an award for most annoying pacing of speech in a movie, I nominate this one. Perhaps Kubrick could have shed an hour off of this film if he hadn't had every conversation drag on with dramatic pauses every second word.
One thing Kubrick is known for is his cinematography and use of music, but this movie had nothing going for it. Watching scene after painful scene of Bill being haunted by the black and white visions of a cheating wife was too much, making the film feel like a lousy soft-core movie you stumble across late at night. And the musical score....what beauty. Every shot was certainly enhanced by the one-armed pianist banging out his 4 note sonata of sorrow. Well done, Kubrick.
And let's not forget the climax of Bill's night out. After wandering into a series of stupid encounters with prostitutes and such, he decides to try his luck at the freaky cult masquerade ball of lackluster sex. There's the unique genius of Kubrick at work for you, producing a party scene somewhere between high society and a jawa orgy. I kept expecting David Bowie to spring out from beneath a cape and mask to sing "As the world falls down". I knew the movie was truly swirling the bowl when the naked showgirl reject announced to Bill that he must leave at once, for he is in great danger. I know what you're thinking, "But...later on it's explained that the whole thing is staged, so it's supposed to sound corny." Well if a so-called serious movie comes up with a lines like those, I think it's time to start rethinking the story.
I could continue with more complaints involving Cruise flashing his medical license around like it was a police badge, or the unrewarding conclusion to this sad excuse for a film, but anyone who really liked this movie has stopped reading long ago. Kubrick has made good films, but to wait nearly twelve years for him to create something this bad is disappointing to say the least. Luckily the shock of it killed him before he could start developing some movie called 'Tongue Outly In'; a weird exploration of a couples' crumbling relationship among the playboy druids of Sexton Mansion starring Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston or some other 'unstoppable' celebrity duo. Phew! That was close.