Emperor's New Clothes

Rating: Null/10 (13 September 1999)

Kubrick was a master, so nobody had the guts to tell him that large sections of this film were risible. The corny dialogue, implausible behaviour and ridiculous characters. Kubrick was also a recluse and didn't get out much. It shows! Kidman's over long waltz with Bela Lugosi. Was he supposed to be a realistic character? Any 1990's woman would have laughed this cheesy pensioner back to transylvania. I kept expecting him to say " the bridge is down, you'll have to spend the night" The mirror sex scene. What a pity it was trailered on TV a dozen times ruining it for us. As it was exactly as on TV, I guessed correctly that that was it, and that was the end of the alleged bonk fest. Only another two hour of boredom to go fans. The orgy. Was this deliberately banal and dispassionate, or just as much as they thought they could get past the US censor ? Any real bacchanalia would have ensured no certificate. A dozen nude girls, and no willies and they could squeeze an 18 cert. The only real risk the producers took was having the nudes on display for minutes at a time rather than the few seconds normally allowed in mainstream films. Rich Dr. Cruise walks around the dodgy streets alone.Has he no car? No attempt was even made to tell us why he only used it once in the film. No maguffin was introduced to explain how he could be on foot to meet the prostitute, the gay bashers or the bald stalker. On he plods, just like the film, forgetting his mobile phone with which he could have called a cab. The only time he gets to drive is in the obviously english location where he revisits the house. Driving a Range Rover to a meeting with a Rolls Royce. A US plate on the Rolls being the only clue that we might be in America. The corniest dialogue in the film was saved for the toy shop scene at the end. This was so corny you could hear the the audience wincing. Even Cruise and Kidman looked unconvinced. I imagined that they just wanted to go home and forget the whole thing. Most of the audience wished that they had at my screening. I really get no pleasure writing this, as I loved 2001, Full Metal Jacket and Strangelove. This really is a sad note to end a career on.