Kubrick's Last Fantasy (maybe some spoilers)

Rating: Null/10 (17 February 2001)

Alternative titles: Baby Had a Bad Dream, Hey, That's Some Great Scotch, Should Have Taken the Taxi, Slo-Mo in Soho, i said a BLACK cloak,and finally, A Doctor's Card Gets You Everywhere. Perhaps if these were the proper titles i would have been more satisfied with a film that did not try fit it's measly size 4 figure into a stately and voluptuous 12. No matter the title or the hype surrounding the film, one cannot get around the fact that it is, with/sans Kidman, a TOM CRUISE movie. As such, i couldn't stop imagining Dr. Bill's character as Jerry Maguire (from the film Jerry Maguire), or the stocious blarney bartender Brian Flanagan (from the film Cocktail). Both Jerry, Brian and Dr. Bill share the same snivelly grin, macho, hey-i-can-fuck-around-but you-can't, woman magnet traits that Cruise coincidentally (?) seeks out in nearly every character he plays. Tom Cruise as a wealthy Manhattan doctor who passes out $100's like post-its and flashes his Doctor card everywhere like a police badge is as mismatched as Gabe Kaplan cast as the next James Bond. However, the superficiality of Dr. Bill's character does not give the horribly miscast Cruise much to stretch with, so we can't blame the all the horror on poor Tommy. Nicole Kidman, the girlish blabbery former art gallery owner/wife offered the best snippets of acting in the whole film. Her one drunken soliloquy was at best believable as it seemed to be a realistic peek into the private neurosis of the real Kidman/Cruise marriage. Side note: There was one scene that seemed a bit coincidental-a half naked Alice steps out of the bathroom bathed in blue lights that seems close to her theatrical performance of `Blue Room.' This film bored me. Perhaps being an out lesbian,and my sordid past of having observed and/or participated in real life sex parties, sex clubs, and general menage a trois trysts, i unfortunately did not find any of the sexual matter to be too way out there, nor as explicit and heart racing as it could have been portrayed. But that is beside the point. Was this movie more excited with the sexual escapades of the freaked and anonymous, or was it more concerned with the relationship between Bill and Alice, or what? i would have demanded my money back if this film went over the brink and became a gangster movie. Hooded thugs following Dr. Bill everywhere with hidden uzis, featuring dark and dank underground poker rooms with metal cages reminicent of the set of Rounders (Edward Norton/Matt Damon).
The only conclusion i came to was that the movie was trying to be neither sexy, or it WOULD have been sexy, neither gangster like, and neither about human relations. It was obvious to me that this film was more like a public service announcement warning against the dangers of the upcoming 21st centuryÂ… A very different outlook for the year 2001, not a space oddysey but an oddysey of human degeneration. Here's what the film really wanted to say: Don't mess with prostitutes or you'll end up HIV positive. Don't abuse doctor/patient privileges. Don't go off to anonymous sex parties or you'll end up with a ransom on your head. Don't overdose on cocaine and heroine or you'll end up dead. And most importantly, do work out a lot so you'll look good naked on screen if you ever end up a movie star.