Thanks for the memories

Rating: Null/10 (27 August 2000)

Stanley Kubrick is a genius. I know this because we are told so by the advert for Mr Kubrick's website at the beginning of the rental video. And no adverts for other movies either, Stanley is much too much of a diety to be placed next to lesser efforts from mere mortals. But as far as I am concerned, Stanley (may I call you Stanley?) is not a genius because of his films which are frankly variable, but because he kept Tom Cruise off our screens for three years. This altruistic act alone should have seen him knighted. I am reliably informed by someone in the know that the reason Tom Cruise doesn't have to act is because he is the STAR of the picture he's been hired for. Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather. $20m just to STAR in the picture. Acting costs extra then. I am also reliably informed that 'The Shawshank Redemption' is the template by which everything in the known universe is measured against. If you don't like it then your critical faculties in evaluating whether Tom Cruise can act or not must be suspect. 'The Shawshank Redemption' comes from a great literary giant who writes about giant space spiders living in the sewers who also hold down day jobs as clowns. Blimey, I'm chastened. Now I know these great universal truths I can look at Cruise in a totally new light. Or without feeling nauseous, which would be a start. And it must have worked because Cruise is great in this film. He's just really funny. Not that he does any acting as such, it's a curious non-performance, but because the sheer incongruousness of good old American boy Cruise sleep walking around a bizarre european art flick is priceless to behold. The film is so weird that it's hard to tell whether he's actually good or bad. Nicole Kidman goes all out to convince us that she's awful, however, her arms flailing around like a brain damaged Dromedary. Hey, these two should get married. Anyway, you haven't lived till you've seen Cruise weeping to what sounds like a two year old banging random keys on a piano. They paid top dollar for this soundtrack. In fact, Cruise is cruelly stalked by a piano the entire film. He stands by the gate to a mansion for an interminable length of time and up and down the scales plinks that toddler until Cruise receives a letter from a mysterious valet. There's alway's a mysterious valet in a Kubrick movie. Cruise looks bemused, and we share his confusion. I think he needs to lie down, take a stress pill and think things through. I've always suspected that Stanley had a wicked sense of humour and this whole film comes across as an arch and knowing parody of art house drivel while simultaneously playing a practical joke on one of Hollywood's biggest stars.
The film has the usual irritating wide-angle lenses and ornamental interiors and numbing atmospherics bordering on inertia we expect of our Stanley. But boredom soon gives way to laughter, thank God. More fun can be had spotting British landmarks passed off as American, as our Stanley famously did not like to travel abroad. We've had palm trees in the docklands and boot camps in surrey. Hang on a minute, I recognise those revolving doors from somewhere. Sure enough, it's the Kensington and Chelsea hospital, although it's supposed to be New York. I've been to the mental Health unit there many times. I tell them that I'm Tom Cruise and that I can act and six orderlies wrestle me to the ground administering anti-psychotic medication. Also the last scene in Hamley's toy store looks just like the one in Regent's Street. So you see, you can never get bored watching a Stanley Kubrick film. The biggest shock was seeing the orgy scene which to my astonishment was filmed in my house. That will teach me to leave the kitchen door unlocked. At least it explains those funny stains on the carpet. It's a shame Kubrick didn't leave the orgy scene as an enigma. He ruined the surreal and whacky atmosphere of the picture by taking it literally.
What can I say, this is a wonderful, wonderful film to go out on. Definately one of the all time funniest ever made, especially the very final line which is a killer. It had me doubled up and rolling around the floor in hysterics. Which is just as well as I needed to look for my contact lenses. I always take them off before a Tom Cruise film but not anymore. Tom Cruise is God, official. And Stanley Kubrick is a genius. Thanks for the memories, mate.