Evil Dead Part Redux

Rating: 1/10 (4 April 2013)

Hulk was remade, or, ah-hem, rebooted with The Incredible Hulk. While neither worked, the second film was a slight improvement over the previous. They felt the need to remake the first one, because, well, it was pretty shitty. So, why did they feel they needed to remake the original The Evil Dead?
Perhaps, I should recommend people watch Evil Dead II (which, by the way is NOT a sequel, but a remake, as stated) before they make it to part one. This is because I just re-watched the first one last night, part II tonight, and will watch #3: Army of Darkness tomorrow night. All in preparation of the second remake: Evil Dead (2013.)
And watching it in order makes me feel lousy for giving the first one only 3½/5 stars. This disaster, alone, should throw an extra star onto the first chapter. Much like what Jurassic Park III did to either of the first two installments of that series.
I have heard that Sam Raimi wanted to remake his first cult hit because in 1987, six-years later, he was allotted a budget he didn't have in the first one. Humph! This part II seemed to have half the budget of the first one, more claymation than Wallace & Gromit and worst of all, replaced ALL scares with slapstick humor. Yes. Not one scene, not one frame, was either scary or eerie or even gross. And Brucey, boy, manof course you're embracing the, by this movie's release, B-Movie status, but come on. Even you are better than this garbage.
Oh, and don't get me started on the numerous inconsistencies. Doors break, and are replaced, only to break again. Night seems to last for 15 minutes, the day even less, and then just when you get used to a short calendar day, it fluctuates back and forth between day and night within seconds. This is all the while, sunlight hurts the demonssometimes. And one of the greatest tricks, is the cabin goes from one story to two and back to one within the next shot. Maybe that's so the writers can throw themselves off the balcony before the movie was done.
The plot was not found, but I can tell you what I observed: the first six minutes is about 80% of the first movie, so, basically, a fast forwarded recap of innocents going to cabin – A, B: having demonic words read and finally demons coming alive to possess and taunt. Then, just when you get somewhat used to Bruce Campbell – sorta – reprising his role as Ash, or previously, Ashley, running around higher than a Cheech & Chong guest at one of their midday parties, they attempt to throw in the replacements for Ashley's friends from the first movie, only dumber. Hell breaks loose, but at least they may have outs this time to stop the demons surrounding the transforming cabin in the woods.
One incredible feat I will credit Evil Dead II for is that, incredibly, it's one minute shorter than number one and feels indubitably four times as long. And we're talking only 84 total minutes!
Since, as mentioned, this is now a comedy, not horror. When the single and minutely humorous thing doesn't even make sense – Ashley holds down his severed hand with a copy of "A Farewell to Arms" when it's, uh, again, the hand Ashley had to say goodbye to – you got problems. No horror, no suspense, and certainly no comedy in a movie that's "made" for all three.
Now, I did like the very ending – meaning the final 30-40 seconds, but I had already checked out by that point. For now, since I haven't watched the 2013 remake yet or the third film in order to review, I would just stick with number one. It's a lot better (now) than when I review it last night.