The best part of this movie is the end, because it's finally over.

Rating: 2/10 (4 June 2014)

First let me say, I'm not comparing this movie to the original Evil Dead. Whenever remakes come along I go out of my way to judge them on there own merits. There have been a few really decent and enjoyable remakes in the past and to my mind they have to be able to stand on their own or their a waste of my time. I don't see remakes, reboots or re-imaginings. I see movies. Films that I will either love, hate or find mildly entertaining. So with that said, on to my review of Evil Dead 2013. Brace yourself for a boatload of sarcasm and some hefty spoilers.
I'm not sure what a person would have to smoke to find this movie enjoyable, in fact even if I were smoking it I'm still pretty sure I would loathe this "film". The acting is dreadful, the script might just have been written by a blind man and the editing is so choppy I'm not sure any of the movies creators actually watched the final cut. At no point is this movie frightening or even slightly chilling, in fact it's so boring it might just replace counting sheep if you need help falling asleep.
There are just so many things wrong here that I wouldn't even know where to begin pointing them all out. The "shocking" moments aren't at all shocking, in fact their downright silly. In an age where movies are made depicting people's flesh being peeled off, a foul mouthed girl making nasty sexual references to her brother is hardly shocking. Neither is someone getting winged in the shoulder by a shotgun. I wouldn't have thought a demon possessed person would bother with a shotgun, let alone miss when firing from ten feet away but nothing else in this movie makes sense so why the hell should that?
The overall plot, if you can call it that, is no better and it really makes me wonder what the hell the creators of this movie were thinking. I realize they wanted to put their own twist on a classic but really? A bunch of twenty something's drag a junkie out into the middle of nowhere so she can detox. In case of an emergency we've got a nurse, a first aid kit, the junkies brother and sister and a hippie. Almost immediately they find a cellar full of mutilated animals, a book wrapped in barbed wire and a boat load of occult crap but hey, why be bothered by that? I mean, everyone's been there right?
Let's just keep on going without batting an eye. So while the junkie is going through the fastest detox in history, the hippie seems to be the only one bothered by the book. He cuts the wire off and discovers It's written in a dead language but that's cool because he's got a paperback handy for easy translation...they make those ya know. Oddly, he doesn't really need to translate anything because luckily someone has scribbled instructions and notes all through out the book explaining everything. Even the ridiculously obvious illustrations. Some ominous warnings and a few jump cuts later, the movie just gets worse...and worse and worse.
I'm sorry if I seem overly sarcastic but this movie is truly just that bad. Had they not swiped the name Evil Dead this would have been just another straight to digital offering that no one ever would have noticed. Maybe there is some true evil power at work here after all because there has to be some explanation for how this lousy movie got so much fanfare and how it ever made it into theaters.
So why did I even give it a 2 star rating? Simply because it actually looks like a finished movie. By that I mean it doesn't look like it was shot with a camera from a discount store. Beyond that, the movie deserves a 1 star rating...maybe -1.