What just happened?

Rating: 5/10 (18 January 2014)

Well, this seems like a love it or hate it film. Honestly I cared so little about the characters I'm trying to remember what happened. Another bunch of handsome 20-something year old Dawson's Creek cast-offs shuffle around trying to add an entirely unnecessary emotional emphasis. "Here we are on this fun movie roller coaster. Mom used to love roller coasters." oh, Jesus...
Sam Raimi's original seemed multilateral - being equal parts frightening, shocking, ridiculous and funny. It was a labour of freakish love, and the dynamic direction and Campbell magic weighted out the lack of detail and story. This new version just seems gory. Really, viscerally gory. I get frustrated by modern horrors' apparent inability to build tension over a period greater than around thirty seconds before an orchestral stab, or a loud screech. Predictable as hell.
There's a few nods to the original, and it's genuinely not terrible, but it leaves you wondering what it was all for like most reboots. Alvarez deserves at least a smile for using the most fake blood I've seen since Lone Wolf and Cub.
I think if I had to sum up the film in a word it would just be 'unpleasant'. To me it didn't seem to have a lot more going for it. If you want to be grossed out and get your date a little closer, maybe it'll do the job. Certainly not out of tension and tongue-in-cheek thrills, though. All the violence without the fun.