One dead viewer

Rating: 1/10 (11 August 2013)

Please, I am begging all of you not to see this movie. It is not because I especially care how people waste their time but my fear is that if many viewers watch this crap and even worse - like it - then companies are going to make that kind of horrors again and again and again. And what I mean by "that kind of horror"? Basically the formula works like this: introduce a group of young people with girls wearing always something super tight and made wet by some incident in the plot which is really a cheap trick of writers; acting skills are optional; gather all characters in a lonely cabin in the woods with only one road which is cut off right away. By the way, where are those cabins? If anyone has seen some recently, then perhaps alert the government and they could be given to those who had lost their houses in the recession. Another important element of the formula is to avoid any substantial conversations which may conflict with super heavy amount of action with people screaming and running constantly and instead limit the dialogue to few self-explanatory statements such as:"something is wrong here", "Oh my God!", "let's get out of here", " "you will all die tonight" or "fuck you Satan!... There must be lots of black,greenish substance pouring out from mouth of the cursed; there will be blood, dirty water,mud,broken glass, ugly faces appearing all of a sudden in mirrors to be met with yet another scream,doors which always close and very strange trees without leaves. There also should be a few mythical genetically deformed Ozark type of creeps to run after characters, or just watch them through windows and maybe eat their flesh. And let's us not forget about The Book which gives answers only young do not read nowadays with the exception of one guy in glasses. It is always a nerdy type who knows first The Truth and tries to warn others but he is being ridiculed until it is already too late. In my opinion The Devil should communicate via cell phones or text messages. Even Vatican uses Internet. And really Satan! - those old hints with shadows, axes, dead dogs and heroine speaking in tongues are becoming a bit tired, don't you think so? I strongly suggest that you do some makeover of your helpers and modernize the way you communicate with victims. Now dear viewer, if you need to watch this movie because you want to avoid mowing lawn,doing dishes or you can't sleep (my case) - then, there are all legitimate reasons for watching this colossal waste of money. Otherwise, avoid it at any cost and rather read the Holy Bible or the Communist Manifesto. Or knit yourself a nice pair of mittens or tea cozy. Enough said.