Evil Dead DOA

Rating: 5/10 (10 January 2014)

In order to officially be from Michigan (other than legal residency) you are required to do a few specifics things. You need to pledge allegiance to the Red Wings, the Pistons and either Michigan State or U of M football. You need to own an American car and you need to have watched Robocop (1987) and The Evil Dead series (1981-1992). Indeed since the early eighties Sam Raimi's schlockfest trilogy has become as much a Michigan staple as road kill and deer hunting season. So it only makes sense that with such a legion of adoring fans that a remake is in order. And that's exactly what happened this past year with the arrival of Evil Dead (2013) a pale imitator of the original.
First the good news: if you're uninhibited by memories of the original and a fan of the horror genre you'll likely find a lot to enjoy. There is a lot of gross-out moments that are done well (though they are inspired from the original). The setup is also a little more convincing than the original with one of the members of dead-teenagers anonymous (Jane Levy) looking to get cleaned up from a drug habit. Heck if this remake wasn't so beholden to the original and created tension by making the one with the drug history "see things," this could have been a horror staple a la Halloween (1978) But the original was not a tension builder, it was a bleeder and so is its remake which brings me to the bad news. The movie losses all tension the moment Jane Levy possessed teen levitates in midair and demonically explains "you're all going to die tonight." Welp, I guess that's it folks. In the words of Bill Paxton's character in Aliens (1986) "Game over man, game over!" Each character we care little about becomes possessed by an evil entity and causes limb cutting, power tool wielding, blood puking mayhem. Whoever arrives on the scene in the days to come should wear a hazmat suit lest they get Hepatitis. Rule of thumb kids, if you see what looks like a witchcraft sight in the basement of the cabin you've rented complete with dead animal carcasses, a demonic book that won't burn and the smell of burning hair, cut your losses and leave.
It's a shame that a setup more promising than the original can lead to some really bad character decisions none of which are played for laughs. Which brings me to the biggest problem I have with the new Evil Dead; it's not funny. The slapstick craziness of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi's kinetic direction made for some inspiringly silly moments in the original trilogy. The original was as much a parody of itself and its ilk as a horror movie on its own terms. This new movie on the other hand is largely humorless with Jane Levy being the only actress with a sense of comedy on screen. Unfortunately the ascorbic wit that she expounds in Subugatory (2011-present) is largely absent here replacing it with the talented young starlet hissing and convulsing.
Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell executive produced this new film and were likely happy with it. I don't blame them; it did make its estimated budget back on opening weekend. I also commend rookie director Fede Alvarez on his fine job imitating Sam Raimi's style. But if we could guys, when Evil Dead 2 inevitably rears its ugly head, we remember to lighten up? For your home State's sake.
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