In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream, "Crap!!!!"

Rating: 1/10 (16 January 1999)

A film that doesn't know what it wants to be; a bad amalgam of the "Hellraiser" series and the worst of Alien. If you're a stickler for good science in sci-fi, then don't go near this abomination. The science goes beyond laughable into the absurd. ("Look, ma -- instant gravity!" And in the upper atmosphere of a rather large planet, no less, where such things as artificial gravity wouldn't be needed...)
But, I do digress. Basically, the screenplay (if you can call it that) for this load of hardware laden excreta was so all-over-the-place, while being producer influenced (in a bad way) that by the time we got to the gory conclusion, I'd already been there, done that, and didn't give a flying damn. Consistency out the window, the rules made up as we went along; what was promised (in the trailer) as some sort of psychological venture was nothing more than an exercise in gross-out of the David Fincher variety -- without Fincher's ability to tell a story visually.
And, one other debit -- Sam Elliot seems to be suffering Michael Caine disease. He'll appear in any piece of crap, it seems, if they sign the paychecks and give him lots of scenery chewing moments. Obviously, he never read the script for this slag heap before he agreed to step before the cameras, which is a shame -- cause I used to like him as an actor. On second thought, though... Omen III. Jurassic Park. Event(less) Horizon...
Nah. Sam, hang it up now, babe. And, if you're thinking of renting this one -- GO ELSEWHERE IN THE VIDEO STORE. Hell, rent something with Pia Zadora in it, even. You couldn't do worse...