What a handle and door

Rating: Null/10 (20 August 2001)

*SPOILERS*
This film's a laugh. Love the voice over and dodgy graphics showing a spinning earth and red pouring over the globe until we hit Stalingrad with a DAN-DAN! Over the soundtrack. The first thing that grabs you by the Niagra's is the English accents. It's 'Eastender's' with more guns and less blood.
The film begins at the dock and a figure emerges from a submarine. Blimey, it's Bob Hoskins *giggle*. How are you, me old Cockney SPARRAH? Diamond geezer and all that, but what's he going to say? "I've put Vodka in all your pockets. I've treated you reds well even when you was out of order. Now, there's been an ERUPTION!" The ruck in question is between two heavy firms fighting for their Eastend Stalingrad turf and Bob is here to give his firm a good kick up the Aris. Stalingrad is Gypsy Nell at the moment, what with the red army cream crackered and the bombing making them all Mutt and Jeff. Everyone is in dire need of a Chas and Dave and a nice warm Steffi. Commisar Danilov, in a poncy public school accent straight out of 'Another Country', suggests Bob uses a China plate of his called Vassili Zaitsev for propaganda purposes. Vassili, whose in Stalingrad via sarf London, is a crack shot and when he's around everyone has to hit the Posh and Becks. His nemesis is a rainbow trout called Erwin Konig whose a bit of a roll and butter, although tasty with a custard and trifle himself. I've seen some performers in my time, but he enjoys his work. For the duration of the film, Zaitsev and Konig crawl around the ruined city on their biscuits and cheese trying to off each other. But Zaitsev has lost his bottle and is getting cold plates of meat over his mythical status. He tells his mate Commisar Danilov that he's not so lemon dash and asks him to ship his Khyber Pass to another firm altogether. But Danilov is under pressure himself. Bob Hoskins has been sent by uncle Joe 'the tache' himself and tells Danilov they cannot lose Chevy Chase over this. If Zaitsev doesn't deliver the goods he hints they'll both get a bullet in their pants and vest. In a splendid bit of over-acting Danilov tells Zaitsev that he has total "FAIIIITH!" In him.
Just when things are complicated enough along comes this posh bird called Tania Chernova who likes a bit of rough. Her plummy accent is a scream. Quickly, Zaitsev falls head over heels in turtle dove with her and they soon get down to a bit of rumpy pumpy in the ruins amongst a row of sleeping soldiers. Her mince pies bulge so much it's hilarious. Is a large uncle Bob causing her problems or are Zaitsev's feet a bit potatoes in the mould? But Danilov has had his eyes on Tania's Gregory Peck in a previous scene, and seeing her as more his class, decides she should be his Richard the Third instead. So out of sheer read and write, Danilov grasses his mate up to the firm accusing him of disloyalty. Now, you may think these porkies makes him a bit of a strawberry split, but he redeems himself in the end.

Meanwhile, stuck in the ruins of Stalingrad, Zaitsev gets some news which makes him go a bit radio rental. He's Schindler's list over the whole sorry situation and decides it's time to put his money where his north and south is. He can't leave it any Christian Slater so he goes to face that three card trick Konig all Jack Jones. Whose run out of Frair Tuck and ends up brown bread?
This film is quite the biggest load of pony and trap I've seen in quite a while. It is excrutiating to sit through. The acting pen and inks and the script belongs in the biscuit tin. The director should have got the hammer and tack after the first day. Howlers abound, like the appearance of Kruschev and the endless music with bits of 'Schindler's List' floating in and out. Ron Perlman plays a soldier who slags off the communist system in a way that would have had him shot in the real war. I bet Russians are having a real laugh over this picture and the war was no laughing matter for them. If you haven't seen it then spend your money on something useful like guide dogs for the blind. I know who should be first in line for one.