Woeful but basically watchable (the first time)

Rating: 2/10 (24 August 2013)

At the time of writing, this film has a score of 7.5, which is surprising. Perhaps there are a lot of stupid people in the world, or a lot of people who have a high regard for utter trash. Personally, I was able to sit through it and found it basically watchable, but I spent a lot of time feeling that it lacked quality and accuracy. It is entertaining in a mindless and trashy sort of way. It isn't challenging or educational. The film really does let the subject down; this was a truly tragic period in world history. It deserved the sort of treatment Hitler's last days received in "Downfall". Instead, it got this Hollywood garbage.
My main objections are as follows: a) The accents. Ideally, the characters would have spoken in their native languages and those of us who don't speak Russian or German would be given sub titles. This would be the most realistic option. Failing that, the characters could speak in English but with believable accents. This wouldn't be ideal, but would make it easier for the audience to suspend belief. The third option is to speak in English with laughably unbelievable German/Russian accents. This is never good, but there is worse still. The worst option of all, which the producers of this movie opted for: having the Russian characters speak with plummy, English accents so they sound like a gang of lardy-dah, latte-sipping toffs who got lost on their way to Notting Hill and ended up in war torn Stalingrad, circa 1942. This laziness is pathetic and cringe worthy. It ruins the film. But hey, what do you expect from Hollywood? b) The young boy who is apparently able to speak fluent German and Russian (in a plummy English accent, of course)... or is it that the German officer is able to speak fluent Russian? Not sure. Neither seems believable. Nor is it plausible that a young boy would've survived in shorts during a winter that was so cold it killed off the German army.
c) The romance element was so unnecessary and frankly preposterous. We get a very brief peak at the bird's rather delicious arse - thanks. But really? "Love making" in a squalid tunnel, in the freezing cold, surrounded by sleeping soldiers, and covered in grime. It must've stank down there! And yet, the ridiculous acting would suggest she had multiple orgasms. More pathetic, Hollywood nonsense for a low IQ, pleb audience.
I say many more negative things about it, and yet, I'd still suggest people watch it and make their own minds up. It is watchable and basically entertaining - it's just that you will need to suspend belief more than you should have to, and you won't learn a great deal about what actually happened at Stalingrad. If your objective is to slob out and watch some mindless garbage with decent special effects and some good action sequences then go ahead. But perhaps, like me, you will come away wishing it had been made in Europe or Russia, rather than in Hollywood.