Plot Synopsis/Dressing down of the movies obvious bad points.

Rating: Null/10 (31 July 2001)

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** ...OK, I watched Empire Records, this is a very very bad film, it is so bad it makes me sick. It is simply nauseating rubbish. Mars Attacks and Plan Nine from Outer Space are more realistic than this. You know the set up. Like Dawson's Creek it is full of all these beautiful, intelligent teenagers who always look perfect and talk in long words...well what I am getting at is that these characters seem to be based on an American Super-Class, not un-like the Hitler Youth. Even the 'freaks' in Empire Records are these perfect-looking people who are really cool and never make any mistakes (unless it is absolutely essential to the plot). The events that happen in the movie are so far detached from real life you seem to wonder who (or why) anybody even came up with this rubbish. At one point they set up a funeral for this girl who tries to kill herself. All the staff attend leaving the 'zany', drug-taking youngen to look after the whole shop by himself...Cue comedy montage sequence.
The premise for the whole film seems to be that some Dawsonscreekesque character closes up the shop, finds evidence that it may be bought-out by a massive company and decides to take nine thousand dollars to a casino to save the shop. (F**k The Man!, well due to the certificate of the movie, F**k The Man becomes the much lauded Damn The Man!). He bets all nine grand, wins eighteen and then loses the lot. The first two minutes provide enough information to drive the whole film to it's conclusion.
What do they do with the Dawsonscreek wannabe? Do they sell-out? (no-way, Damn The Man), What beautiful situations do all the beautiful teenagers get themselves into?, How do they save the shop? What wacky situations to the wacky teenagers get into?. Surely they have enough to support a film this bad, no? you must be kidding, what else could possibly fit into a film of this size? I know, lets have a shop-lifter (who can represent Americas misunderstood youth and therefore give the movie some moral stance and it can pretend it is actually saying something). Lets make him really ugly, no?, lets make him look a bit rough then, no?, how can we make him different from all the good-looking people? Let's give him a red sports jacket, Yes! that's it. Anyway, Shop-lifter is caught, police come and get him, at the end of the movie he comes back with a gun and shoots at everyone (blanks of course), shouting out some really emotional spiel or other along with the line - `who would give me a job?'. Ah Ha, that's it, he has no place in society, he isn't evil, just misunderstood...and guess what? They give him a job and right at the end amid all the chaos (Damn) The Man is trying to control these savages and can't operate the till (Ha Ha Ha, you may be rich but you can't operate a till, Damn YOU) and asks `Doesn't anybody work here?' and who should step-in? That's right it's the shop-lifter proudly showing The Man his name tag. ...all ends safely tied-up. Cue ending with all the perfect people dancing with each other on the roof as happy as Larry. There are many more sickening ends tied-up but I think I'd vomit if I tried to recount the whole lot. Does this film have any value? Yes, if there weren't really (REALLY) terrible movies, all we'd have is Hollywood Blockbusters and Alternative Cinema, there would be no room for the likes of Happy Gilmore. It's good to have a range, it helps put things into perspective.
Honest wasn't a bad movie per se, it was a nothing movie ie. it wasn't actually bad in the way that this movie is bad, it is plain old not good and fails to inspire any emotion in either direction. Empire Records has you cringing and wanting to vomit repeatedly.
Is there anything good about this movie? A scene which features Renee Zellweger having sex on a photocopier is never a bad thing.