Drier than oatbran

Rating: 1/10 (22 November 2004)

The story of Queen Elizabeth I is one as mired in controversy and speculation as President Dubya's terms. Some say that she was the best thing to ever happen to England. Others say that she was a manic warmonger devoted only to causing bloodshed. Indeed, the mentality of everyone living in England or Europe at this time is apparently quite bizarre, but then, so too is that of the director of this film.
The story of anyone involved with government in the Middle Ages is a goldmine for entertaining material. It is therefore a real mystery how Shekhar Kapur and Michael Hirst managed to make something so dull. Each scene seems so flat and underacted that it tends to resemble a daytime television show. Maybe it is just my flat affect talking, but moments when characters are meant to be at each others' throats simply failed to register for me.
Indeed, it is a sad indictment upon this exercise in the pedestrian that one starts to wish that Miranda Richardson, arguably the best actor to ever impersonate Queen Elizabeth I, had been cast instead. Her little "First I'm going to have a little drinky... and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you" speech would have worked wonders here. Elizabeth I was, like her predecessors, a violent tyrant who would not think twice about removing her own daughter's head if it meant protecting her position of power.
One big problem here is that the film tries to cover almost the entire reign of Queen Elizabeth. Such a subject simply cannot be compressed into two hours and remain interesting. Indeed, one constantly asks themselves who she is meant to be fighting and avoiding from one scene to the next. There is little transition from moment to moment. Characters with little or no introduction are killed off in montage scenes that make their deaths seem of little importance or consequence. Given that these are members of Elizabeth's court, I don't think Kapur meant this to be a commentary on people's places within the Kingdom.
I gave this dull and monotonous film a two out of ten. I wasn't even going to give it the satisfaction of a one. Only films that are so bad they're amusing deserve a one, and Elizabeth is so dry and by the numbers that amusement is virtually impossible during its running time.