Hardcore Fans Only

Rating: 4/10 (28 March 2019)

Admittedly, I dislike Tim Burton. Sometimes, I really hate Tim Burton. I don't mean the director---I mean, the actual person. Tim Burton is just so, "Ooh! Look At Me! I'm Different Than Everyone! No One Understands Me! I Was Bullied As A Kid!". I feel like some of his "torment" was self inflicted in a way. There's nothing special about Tim Burton's origin story. What makes Tim Burton special is the amount of pity he gave himself and the inflated ego it gave him. What's this assessment have to do with the movie, Edward Scissorhands? Well, it doesn't take a genius to know who the title character is based on...
Edward Scissorhands is a dark and gothic fairy tale that makes little sense; has very unlikable or uninteresting characters and will only be liked by Tim Burton and every Emo kid that gets off to cutting to the image of Tim Burton. We start off with a grandma telling some kid about Edward Scissorhands. Edward lives in a dark, creepy castle, on a dark, creepy hill above a little, happy, light filled town. No one seems to notice this until a woman decides to sell makeup one day. Vincent Price plays his father (inventor) who dies before finishing him. That is to say, he gave him scissors for hands instead of regular hands. This is funny to me, since, in the movie, the inventor actually has a plan for this, and human like hands are on it, as like the 8th step. Okay, what the hell?! "First, I shall put scissors for the hands! Then I will go get latex mold! Then I will make a pair of hands from said mold! Then I shall call my best friend Tim! Then I will watch Beetlejuice! Then I shall sharpen the boy's scissors! Then I will remove the scissors! Finally, I shall install the hands!". WHY THE HELL WERE THE SCISSORS EVEN NEEDED?!! So then Edward goes to live with the makeup lady and her family. No one questions or is freaked out about this guy dressed in bondage with scissor hands. Well, they are and they aren't. They're not really concerned for the right reasons, I should say. They kinda just wanna know if the makeup lady is doing him. Edward can cut things like grass, shrubs and hair and that makes him valuable! No one has ever thought to do these things before! If it wasn't for Edward, people might have never cut their own grass or hair! Also, the daughter, who's known him for 5 minutes is now in love with him...for...reasons?! I mean, they haven't had any connected in any way; they haven't had a deep conversation; they know nothing of eachother but they're in love, I guess. Tim Burton does not know how life works. So now the boyfriend is mad and wants to kill Edward for getting his girlfriend all hot and bothered. The town people want Edward out of town now because they heard an unconfirmed rumor. Grass and hair be damned! So Edward runs home to his spooky castle, impales the evil jock boyfriend (admittedly, he did suck but he was also so unlikable and boring and miscast that you don't care) and never returns. Twist: Grandma was the daughter all along in horrible old person makeup!
Tim Burton seems to think everyone who is not Tim Burton is the same. We're all bullies. We're all jocks. We're all mean. If you aren't pale, lonely or like the color black, you must be a bad, stupid or lesser person. If you don't live on a spooky mountain, in a spookier castle, well, guess what? You suck! You don't understand the pain of having pain! I like some of Tim Burton's work, like Big Fish and even the Batman films (though flawed). I like his movies where he leaves his ego and 10 year old self at home. Edward Scissorhands is a love story to himself, and for himself. Unless you're a hardcore fan of Tim Burton's work, you won't enjoy this film...