The Perfect Holiday Movie - but forget the scissors, what about the teeth?

Rating: 8/10 (22 December 2011)

Holiday movie watching is not a tradition to be taken lightly. Non-binding clothing must be donned, a hot drink must be within arm's reach, and a cozy blanket must be tucked up against one's chin to foil any possibility of draught. In a perfect world, a fire would sizzle and pop in the fireplace, and inclement weather would rage against the window panes.
And Johnny Depp would be on my couch. Or at least in my DVD player. "Edward Scissorhands" (1990) is a heartwarming, quirky romantic comedy with a twist of fantasy. It's the story of an awkward, innocent misfit, and it's just the right choice for a wintery evening in.
My personal love affair with Johnny Depp began in 1990 when he played Edward Scissorhands. But I'm going to try to be objective in this review, really I am.
It begins as a kind of fairy tale, a grandmother tucking a child into bed while explaining the mysterious origins of snow. I would like to say the film is suitable for the whole family, but there is one seductress scene where the neighborhood hussy (Marge, delightfully played by Kathy Baker) tries to Mrs. Robinsonize young Edward in the back room of her beauty parlor, the innuendo of which would bump the film into the PG-13 category. (Hooray!)
Edward (Johnny Depp) is an awkward misfit boy, who has been created with scissory blades where his hands should be. He speaks only 169 words in the entire movie and looks at the world with wide wonder. He desperately wants to do the right thing; moving around gingerly so he doesn't stab or slash anything. By the time Edward punctures the water bed with an accidental poke, and then tries to fix the spouting water by covering it up with stuffed animals, he has won our hearts.
Edward Scissorhands is regarded by many critics to be the crazy-haired director Tim Burton's finest film. No argument here. Burton calls it his favorite creation as well. It was his first project with the then 27-year-old Depp, the first of seven collaborations between the two.
The Burton/Depp relationship itself bears some discussion.
Why is there this unholy alliance between the disheveled, uncombed lunatic Tim Burton and the man-god Johnny Depp? What fuels this obsession of Johnny's to keep making Tim's movies? Johnny once said in an interview that he would do anything Tim Burton asked him to do. ANYTHING! (capitals mine) Yes, Johnny, we KNOW you love Tim but you don't have to say "yes" every time the man drinks too much tequila and has a weird movie idea.
I have a theory about why Tim and Johnny are joined at the artistic hip: People with gaps in their front teeth are magnetically drawn to other people with gaps in their front teeth. Hear me out, there's empirical data.
In orthodontic terms, this gap is called diastema, and I think the National Science Foundation needs to throw some serious research money at the diastema-to-love correlation. Tim Burton has it. Johnny has it. Johnny's life partner Vanessa Paradis has it - the exact same gap in her front teeth that Johnny has. Coincidence? My theory is that there is a glittery, invisible beam of attraction that emanates from the heart, comes up through the esophagus and is emitted out the gappy tunnel between the teeth. It then passes through the other person's gappy tunnel, and locks on to their heart, resulting in love. Or a movie deal.
But Burton and Depp aren't the only ones involved here.
If it is possible for me to love anyone in this film as much as I love Johnny Depp, it is Dianne Wiest. She superbly plays Peg, the Avon lady and the mom everyone wants to have. Her reaction upon first meeting the frightening looking Edward? "What happened to your hands? Where are your parents? I think you need to just come home with me." She adopts Edward and brings him home to live with her family. I want her to adopt me.
This was Vincent Price's final film. Price plays a small but poignant role as Edward's creator/father, living in the eerie, Gothic castle, and kindly tutoring Edward in all subjects including proper decorum when tea is served. Ironically, Price's death scene was to be the last scene he ever filmed before his own death, a fitting farewell to the Crown Prince of all things mysterious.
Winona Ryder plays Edward's love interest, Kim. Edward is instantly transfixed by her photograph, but the relationship never materializes. SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the film, Edward hears the words he has longed to hear from Kim: "Hold me." He tries, but cannot, because he is afraid of hurting her. But she maneuvers in past his blades and snuggles against his chest in what is possibly the sweetest embrace in all of cinematic history.
In real life, Johnny and Winona had a hotly fueled affair that was to end in a bad breakup and a tattoo revision. I think it's obvious why things didn't work out: Winona has good teeth.
** Special thanks to longtime friend Carlos Alcala, the "Chick Flick Guy," for prodding me to finally write this and for including this on his wonderful romantic comedy Blog!