Steaming crap on wheels...

Rating: 6/10 (7 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Screw E.T. Why is this movie praised so much? It's pure garbage. ET is an a**hole. Why? Because he was out in the forest lolly-gaggin' when his superiors were calling him back to his ship. He was careless and missed the boat! Simple as that. And instead of being a man and paying the price for his own mistakes, he lays this guilt trip on all us humans and begs us to help him get back home. Now it's our problem. What a jerk! Sorry, ET but I got my own problems. What were you doing out there in the woods anyway? Probably devising some elaborate alien conspiracy that will baffle the minds of millions of society's greatest analysts for the next thousand generations. I DO NOT TRUST ALIENS. Period.
And once he gets here, look what he does. He makes Elliot (the only one who loved him) sick. So sick, in fact, he is near death. If ET can touch a flower and bring it back to life, why doesn't he touch the boy who is doing his best to help him??? Elliot is really bustin' his ass for this punk alien. He's telling his mother boldface lies, he is missing days at school, he becomes a part time wino, he gets a police rap sheet, quarantined from his neighborhood, then chased and shot at by the FBI. All for this ingrate named ET, who never even gives so much as a thank you. This is the thanks I get? I DO NOT TRUST ALIENS.
I purchased the ET Scholastic book when I was in 2nd grade. There, it stated that ET is 300 light years away from his home. I don't think people realize how far that is. A light year is the distance the speed of light travels during the course of 1 year. The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. Now there are 86,400 seconds in just one day, which means the distance of the speed of light is 148,800,000,000 miles in a day. This number multiplied by the number of days in a year (365) brings us to 54,312,000,000,000. This is the distance light travels (in miles) in just one year. I repeat ONE year. Now then, ET is 300 light years away from his home planet? Fine. There are 109,500 days in 300 years. Which means the total mileage of how far ET's home from Earth is 10,346,436,000,000,000,000. I know these are all just mind numbing figures to you, so to put it in greater perspective, ET had to begin his journey to Earth about 10 trillion years before the first dinosaur was created in order to get here by 1982, the year of the movie's release. And Elliot made contact with his home with a friggin' Speak-N-Spell.
This movie is so stupid. How ET even has the balls to ask his homies to COME BACK and get him a second time is beyond me. The speed of sound is even slower than light, so Elliot should have been about 20 trillion years old before the aliens even GOT the signal. Then another approximate 47 trillion years later (not counting rest stops and space tolls) before they actually arrive to get ET. Elliot would be an old man by the time they got back.
As for the movie itself, it introduces some of the dumbest characters I have ever seen in a movie. During Halloween, the kids throw a sheet over ET and Dee Wallace doesn't even notice her own child is a foot shorter and her head's 10 pounds heavier. Then when they go trick or treating, ET mistakes a kid dressed as Yoda as one of his hometown natives. How stupid is this alien? He's smart enough to learn English in 2 hours but can't tell a kid in a costume. Yoda's from Dagobah, for Christ's sake! He looks nothing like ET. Even I can tell the difference and I've never even been to Dagobah. ET must be the Rain Man of his planet. The more I watch the movie, the more I realize how autistic ET is. He even enjoyed it when Drew Barrymore had her way with him and turned him into a cross dresser.
I really like the end sequence when all the kids put masks over their faces during the big FBI chase. Is Spielberg that stingy with his money that he couldn't afford stunt look alikes? So instead he'll save a buck by hiding their faces so we can't see them, but never mind the fact that each kid grows 2 feet taller and 20 pounds heavier. And after they all fly, how corny was their landing? Perfect formation, BMX style! Hahaha! It looked like a deleted scene from that movie Rad.
So, yes, ET is a bad movie. Crap special effects, crap acting, crap story. It wasn't even half as good as Mac and Me. ET is not fun for the entire family, as most believe it to be. Fun for the whole family is a movie like Animal House. Kids like d*ck and fart jokes, trust me. Not some kid hugging a nightmare inducing creature with his heart pumpin' on the outside. How scary was that? I tell, you, one day the sequel will come out and you will all see I was right. ET is evil. Just like every other alien in every other movie. After Close Encounters, Independence Day, and V.....I DO NOT TRUST ALIENS.
Zero stars out of 5.