Spielberg's Brown Monster.

Rating: Null/10 (20 October 2008)

"This movie made my heart glad." - Roger Ebert, film critic and gourmet.
They say that the path to a fat man's heart goes through his over-sized belly, but sometimes the digested waste product of one called Spielberg can achieve the same result.
When I was a kid I wanted to take a whiff of Spielberg's brown monster as much as the next kid. And I wasn't disappointed. I was only a clueless little brat at the time, what the hell did I know about cheesy Hollywood manipulation that makes you close your eyes (and nose) to the nonsense that surrounds the story of Spielberg's brown monster? However, many years later, and I discover that it's not all that it's CRACKed up to be. Plenty of stained holes in the script, and near every hole there's SBM sitting like the badly choreographed creature that it always was. A dumb kid called Elliott discovers SBM and goes all gooey and sentimental in no time. I didn't get it this time around: why would anyone in their right mind want to go anywhere near this film? It has a stench not unlike that of an over-crowded pig-sty.
The main culprit for the bad taste left in my mouth after taking a sample of Spielberg's brown monster was not the midgety dinosaur himself. It was the annoying kids and the retarded clichés. First we have Drew Barrymore whose facial asymmetry was apparent as early as 1982. Think about it. And then think about what it means to be nepotistic offspring in Hollywood: it opens doors even for the least talented and least good-looking among us. Spielberg, who fathered the brown monster in one of his less-than-inspired bathroom moments, is also Drew's godfather. Not to mention all those relatives of hers, all infamous for their shoddy B-movie starring roles. All in the family... But I'm sure that Drew will always look back at this movie with fondness, knowing that it was E.T. that launched her nose into the seductive world of cocaine.
So Elliott discovers SBM, invites it to his home, hides it from his parents (instead of flushing it, like any normal boy would), and then the evil adults and the government's wicked, knife-happy scientists kidnap SBM from right under his nose, hoping to anal-probe SBM as soon as possible. What exactly they'd hoped to find in SBM is beyond me. Clues to the director's digestive system? Judging from ET, the maker of "Jaws" ate some rather strange foods in the early 80s...
I will never understand the age-old movie cliché of the snip-happy scientists raring to have a stab at the noble alien creature, as if killing a one-of-a-kind specimen made any sense to even the most deranged sociopath, let alone an intelligent scientist.
The other pathetic cliché is all of the kids being wise and good, the adults stupid and evil. Well, if that's the case, then why don't we put the little ones in charge of Wall Street and the economy? I think we should start by appointing Spielberg's own brood to run the White House... I do not doubt for a second that this would lead to a Utopic future society of almost Spielbergian proportions.
"The creature, which looks a little like Snoopy..." - Roger Ebert, film critic and dog expert.
I've read my share of Peanuts comics, but struggle to find any character there that even vaguely resembles the monster. But then again, Ebert also called this movie "scary", so why wonder...
Yes, and why wonder that Spielberg, of all people, should create such a brown monster. After all, he once told Barbra Streisand that "Yentl" was the best movie he'd seen since "Citizen Kane".