Where's Michael Caine?

Rating: Null/10 (22 July 2017)

MAJOR SPOILER: At the risk of been added to the dreaded blacklist, throwing all caution to the wind, I'll say it: Michael Caine is not in this picture.
I went to this film expecting exciting action sequences, sweeping drama, technical virtuosity and a genius-level script. All the trademarks of a Christopher Nolan film. Also, obviously, like so many, I went because of Michael Caine. After all, this is a Christopher Nolan film. This is Nolan's first film set in England, well, actually in France, but with British people who want to go back to England. Wait, maybe The Prestige was set in London, I don't exactly remember. Wasn't Tesla in that movie? Tesla was never in England, not that I know. The Batman movies were definitively in Metropolis. Interstellar was in rural America and later somewhere else. So was Inception. In all places except England. Whatever. How will Nolan use Caine? I wondered. This is the first opportunity Nolan has had to use Caine as a British man in a British film that takes place in Great Britain (or in France, oh wait, the Prestige, maybe). Batman's butler may have been British, I'm not sure. Caine as a NASA scientist in rural America, definitively American. So I sat and waited for Mr. Caine to appear on the screen. This is, after all, clearly a British film, I thought, the most British film Nolan has made sans The Prestige. There's Mark Rylance. There's Kenneth Branagh. How much more British can you get? There's Irish Cillian Murphy. Caine should appear at any moment, I thought to myself, and settled for the impending appearance. Michael Caine in Imax again! This will be surely a memorable experience. Will he appear in a boat? In a plane? He's kind of old to be riding around in a plane, you know. Surely, he'll be a general giving commands at headquarters. Or maybe he will be one of those colorful English fishermen. The minutes passed, then an hour, and no Caine. Where's Caine? I kept asking. Not even a cameo? Did I miss him in the crowds? Then a frightening thought crossed my mind. Wait a minute, didn't Caine die in Interstellar? Is he actually dead? Really dead? It can't be, it would have been news all over the world. Then the movie ends. No Caine. Unbelievable. I checked the web and yes, Caine is still alive in real life. Nolan, you ungrateful bastard, how dare you? How could you do this to Michael Caine? You know you would be a nobody if it weren't for Caine! How could you leave Michael Caine out of the film covering one of the most important episodes in the history of Great Britain, in its finest hour? How could you do this to your fans? Did you kill him for good in Interstellar? Did he ask too much money? Why, Mr. Nolan, why? For whatever reason, leaving Caine out of this picture was a big mistake on your part. Mark my words, Nolan: this decision will haunt you for the rest of your life, and will cost you dearly. I guarantee it.