The projector ate spoiled Taco Bell

Rating: 1/10 (28 September 2011)

What do you get if you feed a projector student actors, pseudo- intellectual hipster romance kibble, all the boring moments of life where no one is talking, and music that sounds like a coma? 100 minutes of dog diarrhea running down the screen that they're calling DRIVE, starring Ryan Gosling.
Yes, I have hated other movies with fervor, but the difference is that this one is getting good reviews. It's baffling. Watered down globs of super convenient plot points that serve as a medium for its true purpose--pretending that long, overly drawn out, purposely awkward scenes of pauses and bad acting is artsy and innovative. I'm sure we are supposed to be "like, oh my god, that's like, so unusually realistic", but... there's a reason they usually cut that out of scenes. It's BORING.
I'm sure there will be people who say 'oh you just don't get it', but what is annoying about this is that there is nothing to get. The supporting characters over-deliver corny lines and the main ones stand, smile slightly, and say nothing, and you're supposed to believe some big, metaphysical connection between them. 'Oh but he speaks only when necessary'--that's the lamest excuse I have ever heard to cover up a lack of ability on all fronts. There is no substance here, and those of you comparing the gore in the few tolerable seconds to Tarantino are not only just wrong, but insulting to someone who doesn't use cheap devices and actually takes time on character development. (By the way, this kind of comparison is as deep as when someone tells you that you look like Felicity because you have curly hair.)
I wonder how much time in the movie I actually spent seeing Ryan Gosling just staring blankly. Or babysitting, or just driving.