All Resident Evil, No Silent Hill

Rating: 6/10 (30 May 2009)

Who here can say they honestly don't like Sam Raimi films? From the Evil Dead series to Spiderman, Sam has become one of those rare must-see directors in a business sickeningly full of frauds. When I heard he was returning to the horror business after an extended vacation in the mainstream, I was stoked. As it so happens, I was also stoned, just like I was when I finally saw the movie.
Before I go on, I'd like to be clear on this point: Evil Dead 2 was horror, Army of Darkness was most certainly not (though many consider it to be). I was hoping that Raimi would go back to being serious again in DMtH, but this was sadly not the case. It's nice that Sam didn't want this film to be taken seriously, but he literally stole a gag out of the first Naked Gun (Lt. Drebin fighting a hospital pillow off his face) and forced more bad puns into the dialogue than a noobie flamer. Even the nod-wink jokes the movie eventually resorted to fell flat on a silent audience.
Frankly, the Raimis don't write female characters well. Bruce Campbell delivered their notoriously dry, black humor like a champ; but Alison Lohman can't get the job done. They actually tried giving her a few of those Ash-like lines and she came off like Lindsey Lohan threatening her girlfriend in public. I chuckled at the delivery, not the material.
The plot is sub-Scifi dreck. Its not even worth punching holes through because the film never tries to keep a straight face, but it unnecessarily bogs itself down with office politics at her stupid job that nobody could possibly care about. It'd be like if Bill Lumbergh from Office Space constantly interrupted the action in Army of Darkness for absolutely no reason. She actually goes into work the next day after she's attacked and cursed by a disgruntled customer! Listen, if you only have three days before a demon goat swallows you into Hell for all eternity, you don't waste half of them by going into work to kiss your boss's ass for a promotion! The scares are cheap, and the formula old: silence>extremely loud>close-up of something ugly. Its all Resident Evil, no Silent Hill. All "Boo!", no "hmmmmmmm" (Blair Witch 1 ending holla!). Don't get me wrong, it works a few times; but halfway through the movie you can see 'em coming minutes before they do, which is actually convenient because it gives you time to cover your ears. The score gets obnoxiously loud when it decides you need help being scared because the images and plot can't accomplish it by themselves. I left with a headache, and that bright sun hitting my eyes on the way out while my skull was already pounding felt like sadistic punishment for paying to see this film