Don't watch.

Rating: 4/10 (29 June 2018)

In the opening scene to Don't Breathe, three youths - Rocky (Jane Levy), Alex (Dylan Minnette) and Money (Daniel Zovatto) - break into a posh house, steal anything of value, and vandalise the property, smashing ornaments and urinating all over the place before chucking a rock through the window; their next target is a blind man who is rumoured to have a small fortune in his home, the cash settlement he received after his daughter was run down and killed. Writer/director Fede Alvarez then has the audacity to ask his audience to give a damn about what happens to this trio of white trash scum-bags.
Not on your nelly!
I don't care how rotten an upbringing Rocky has had, or that she cares for her little sister, or that the blind man turns out to be far from helpless and more than a little bit twisted - rooting for Rocky and her thieving pals is not an option, making the film a frustrating experience from the outset.
But unlikable protagonists aren't my only issue with Don't Breathe: there's the small issue of the blind man (played by Stephen Lang), who makes Zatoichi and Daredevil look like clumsy buffoons by comparison. Some of the things this sightless guy is able to do are utterly ridiculous: disarming a gun-toting enemy, repeatedly turning up at the right place at the right time, abducting a woman and keeping her in a basement prison (which, presumably, he also constructed), reaching up to yank Rocky from air ducting, and silently tracking his victim in the surrounding derelict neighbourhood, all without stubbing a toe. His guard dog also displays supercanine qualities, the hound even climbing up furniture and entering an air vent to pursue Rocky.
Alvarez manages a couple of effective jump scares along the way, and delivers a memorably yucky scene involving a turkey baster and a large helping of 'gentleman's relish', but the movie is, for the most part, way too dumb and loaded with implausibilities and glaring plot holes to be good for anything but unintentional laughs.