One day, we will be rid of this garbage.

Rating: 2/10 (31 October 2016)

(spoilers ahead!)
I saw a movie today and this is roughly what happened.
After the obligatory opening CGI extravaganza, we are introduced to a younger and far less interesting version of Dr. House from House M.D., who crashes his sports car because he's distracted by his smartphone in exactly the way you crash your sports car in movies when you're distracted by your smartphone.
Now he's all messed up and can't be Dr. House anymore, which annoys him, so he starts shouting at his girlfriend. Then after a series of neat screen writing coincidences, a man playing basketball tells him to go to Nepal to fix himself up, so he does a Kwai Chang Caine/David Carradine from KUNG FU, but not as well, and meets two British thespians (one in a bald cap) on the set at Pinewood and/or Shepperton studios, one of whom rescues him from muggers in a creepy alley like in, well, everything you've ever seen, but not as well.
Then for the next eighty minutes it's a rinse and repeat of 1) endless fight sequences like THE MATRIX but not as good, with CGI like INCEPTION but not as good, 2) standing around in rubble making speeches full of words and names we don't understand nor care about; and 3) a scientifically calculated sprinkling of lame humour including jokes about wi-fi and Beyonce.
Somewhere in the middle there's a scene where he's not very good in training, then has a shave and brushes his hair and is suddenly amazing. And another fight. Or two. There's some more chat about villains and the dark side, but not as good as STAR WARS, and I don't remember what anybody's true motivation was for anything, emotional or otherwise. All this is then covered in a thick brown gravy of forgettable score that tells us exactly how to feel.
Further along there's a sort of climax similar to the end of SUPERMAN II but not as good, with a super villain who wears 70s glam rock purple eye shadow, then another bit of the climax that looks like a pumped up version of the end of FANTASTIC FOUR where Dr. House now has a cape and manages to outsmart a shouty CGI head by making him bored and frustrated, which is a little odd because the shouty CGI head lives outside of conventional space time, and in doing so probably wouldn't care that this might go on for a while.
Then, at the almost end, the thespian in the bald cap dies like Obi Wan Kenobi in STAR WARS but not as well, the glam 70s rock super villain and his roundhouse-kicking minions get dispatched in exactly the same way as Gen Zod in SUPERMAN – THE MOVIE, but not as well. After that Dr. House's best mate, as they always do, gets a bit annoyed at something and decides to go off to be the villain in the sequel. Dr. House talks a bit about the upcoming sequels with another mate then stands next to a window looking serious.
At the end there's a caption on screen telling us there's going to be a sequel.
And that's it. The epitome of average.