Cashmeousside cuz this film is amazing

Rating: 9/10 (1 June 2018)

Have you ever done cocaine? Me neither, but I can imagine the effects that cocaine have on a person is similar to the same psychological and bodily reaction one gets while watching "Deadpool 2." Imagine buying a nice bag of 100%, pure, unadulterated, Colombian "sugar," and you can already feel the rush through your body as you're walking home with it. Your hands are shaking with excitement, your heart is racing, and your brain is flooded with dopamine. Then you get home, ready to press your face against that sweet, sweet angel dust and breath in, and then the real rush hits you. Adrenaline, endorphins, it's like an orgasm times one million. You laugh, you cry, you feel your brain coursing with pleasure.
The process of going to watch "Deadpool 2" is like that, but better. First you buy the ticket, and you can feel a slight tingling in your groin area. Then you buy your popcorn, get a large soda because it's only 75 cents more than the medium and who could resist a deal like that, and as your wallet gets lighter because you just spent a week's pay in 15 minutes, the tingling increases, and you feel a slight sense of moisture (I'm trying to make this applicable to both sexes okay? This is 2018). Then you actually step inside of the theatre and you're basically a lake. Everyone around you is avoiding you because EVERY part of your body is dripping some form of liquid, and you're breathing heavily even though you didn't even snort any coke, at least, not the good kind. And then the trailers start and your excitement is almost unbearable. If you were having a sexual experience, which is practically what "Deadpool 2" is, you would have no doubt already finished and disappointed your lover. But then, finally, sweet release rushes over you as the movie finally starts, and it's as if you've taken a page from Paul Finch's book and studied the art of sexual tantric meditation because for the duration of the entire run time you feel pure, radiating sexual pleasure.
I'm not even exaggerating, but I am narcissistically stroking my own ego by overindulging in my own mediocre writing abilities, but that's how you get the A's kids, you write a bunch of fluff and make it sound professional, and now I'm making slightly above minimum wage in an insurance office doing work I did not go to college for so it looks like all my hard work paid off. Did I mention I made $160 in the stock market by selling a stock I owned when it rose a few bucks, but I could've made much more if I had any patience and waited only 3 hours later, at which point my stock would've rose to a number so astronomically large that I am currently considering checking myself into a psych ward because of how much I regret my decision?
Don't worry though, because "Deadpool 2" is funnier and more entertaining than my poorly written review. I laughed so hard that I have no doubt I made my girlfriend uncomfortable. My girlfriend, she didn't laugh that much, she chuckled, shook her head, farted a few times, but me, I couldn't stop. I was stroking my girlfriend's thigh slowly and suggestively during this movie because she's thicc and was wearing short shorts, but the stroking turned into iron-tight grips because I needed something to hold on to because I was laughing so hard. Seriously, my girlfriend now has bruises on her thighs and officer, I swear, it's Deadpool's fault. I really feel stupid because of how hard this movie made me laugh.
And if you're a killjoy and don't find anything funny, then you shouldn't go see this movie but if you do, at the least the action will definitely entertain you. The action is slick and clean and gory and bloody and very high-energy, and really reminded me of "Kick-Ass." And when it comes to energy and humor and high-octane, stylized, awesome action, "Deadpool 2" feels a lot like "Kick-Ass," and coincidentally "Deadpool 2" is kick-ass.
9/10 so cashmeousside