my hatred for this film burns from the fiery pits of hell

Rating: 1/10 (14 April 2004)

Zombie review #1

*Possible Spoilers (but if you're smart you WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WATCHING THIS RUBBISH*
So yeah, I was pretty disappointed by this film, and my expectations weren't really all that high to begin with. At most I thought I'd get a cheesy but enjoyable action movie (I'd already resigned myself to the fact that this wasn't going to be a real zombie flick), but this film completely failed to live up even to that limited standard.
There's so much to drone on about what's wrong with this wretched botch job that I may as well start with what I DID like: The first ten minutes - fantastic, as good a bit of cinematic chaos as anyone's ever pulled off. And there's some nifty business near the end with a chainsaw and a car park that's full of 100s of zombies. This scene almost threatens to save the film but sadly the zombie apocalypse a few brief shots promise never comes. It's like seeing a porn film that offers the merest glimpse of the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, then cuts to a ten minute sequence of boring, annoying people doing nothing but bore and annoy you - and then it ends.
Zombie films are a lot like porn in some ways - the basic ingredients write themselves, and it's quite hard to completely screw it up, even on a limited budget. Even the really bad old Zombie films have some entertainment value (ie: zombies eating people and shambling about to terrible synth music) but this film doesn't include ANY of the staples of the genre. Not one scene of a character having their innards/brains exposed and eaten, not one scene of zombies losing limbs but THEY STILL KEEP COMING COS THEY'RE THE LIVING DEAD AND THEY DON'T NEED NO ANKLES!!!! HAVE THESE PEOPLE NO RESPECT FOR THE CLASSICS? They even have a dog in the film and never it have it a) have a fight with zombies or b) be a ZOMBIE DOG!! Talk about your missed opportunities.
Pah, and I haven't even started on the poor dialogue and characterisation (it's true zombie films don't exactly have a good track record for this, but this is meant to be Dawn of the Dead right?), crummy "action" scenes that substitute the good ol' shaking camera for any real tension or thrills, the crass use of rock music, the fact that every single "shock" in the film is so damned cheap (she's not just a zombie, she's a fat ugly old zombie OOOOOOOOH) and then there's the complete lack of regard for the original film, the characters in this film, and hey, the intelligence of the audience! It's the triple wammy!
Trust me here, I haven't even scratched the surface of what I hated about this film, but several of the other points have been made in some other reviews (although I will mention this one - what on earth is the point in the muslims glimpsed in the opening credits? To show it's a "worldwide phenomenon"?? HOW?? All you see is people praying in a mosque, which, and I don't mean to scare any of you with this idea, could even be in the good old U.S of A, and there are no other nationalities shown in the sequence. Seems more like another cheap shot - show a clip of something some people are presently afraid of to try and get them jumpy cos there's nothing in the film that can do the job on it's own merits)
This is the without a doubt the most worthless cinema experience I've ever had and that includes Superman 4, Police Academy 5 and Alien Resurrection, and is the first time I've ever felt like walking out of a film because I was literally chewing my fist in frustration at the mind numbing dreck taking place in front of my poor, suffering eyes.
To sum up - this is a horror film that has a scene where a zombie woman gives birth to a zombie baby that is neither scary, disturbing, disgusting or even funny. AND EXACTLY WHAT'S THE POINT IN THAT?????