well well, a lifeless vampire film

Rating: 3/10 (13 October 2012)

A vampire returns from being buried alive after 200 years, looking to restore his family name. But an old enemy awaits.
This is a quixotic, incoherent film that seems to want to do too many things at once. The quirkiness attends to Burton's reputation, even though the make-up and sets seem to be recycled from previous projects. Depp gets to feed his addiction to playing pasty, cartoon-ish characters. The producers get to cash in on fans of the TV show, even if it means forsaking something like having the plot gel. Johnny Lee Miller continues to set new records for a good actor choosing bad projects.
Victoria is hired as the nanny to little David - though we never see them in a scene together. One ghost appears regularly but is usurped at the end by another ghost who is unfortunately very similar to the first ghost, causing momentary confusion. Apparently Barnabus is in love with Victoria, but all the sex he has is with two other women. At least gratuitous vampire sex is something I've never seen in a film.
Depp has a few funny lines, but the family is too big and spread too thin on this canvas for the audience to care about anyone. Michelle Pfieffer seems to be there simply to have her name on the poster. Barnabus is in love with a woman who is now a ghost leading another woman to him that he can love as a surrogate except she will also die... huh? Last of all, the setting up of a sequel with the final shot is crass.
Completely missable.