Finally a love story worse than Twilight

Rating: 2/10 (18 September 2012)

I never thought I'd write that, and it pains me to write this about a Tim Burton movie, but it was just bloody awful. The intro fast-forwards over events in the 18th century that transform the rich and successful fish business owner Barnabus Collins into a vampire, and shows us how he was sealed in a coffin and buried by an angry mob. When he wakes up about 200 years later, we are introduced to the 1970's Collins family: A charming bunch of quirky people, from the weird daughter to the alcoholic psychiatrist.
It was set up for comedy to come, but there the fun sadly ended, and was replaced by endless, brain-numbing dialogs and colorful montages, followed by a deus ex machina ending.
Most jokes are forced and the pacing erratic, but the biggest flaw of this movie is that it's absolutely impossible to find any kind of cohesive plot in it. Is it about restoring the family business? No, wait, maybe it's about the struggle between Barnabus and the witch that turned him into a vampire. Might be about Barnabus trying to become human again with the help of some unexplained procedure done by the alcoholic. No, apparently it's about the love story between two people we don't even hear talking to each other until 1,25 hours into the movie, but who 20 minutes later can't live without each other.
Honestly, it's so nondescript that I can't even write a coherent review about it. It's not funny (apart from some scenes you see in the trailer), it's not dramatic, not scary, not romantic, and the characters sure aren't going to captivate anyone. I don't know what it's supposed to be, but the end result is a boring mess; more of a patch-work of desultory scenes than a movie.