One vampire I wouldn't mind driving a stake through

Rating: 6/10 (3 July 2014)

I'm a fan of Tim Burton, at least his older work, and Dark Shadows, as a dark comedy, may seem right up his alley. Much of the look of the film is technically sound, and the actors, particularly Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Chloe Moretz, do what they can with the material. Alas, that material is weak, and Dark Shadows becomes a drag to sit through.
The story follows Barnabas, a man cursed by a witch to become a vampire, and is then locked in a coffin and buried by the village people for 200 years. He is released in 1972 (Deliverance is playing at the theatre), bent on reuniting with his living family, restoring the family business and triumphing over the witch, who has gone on to found a rival company.
Except for one crack about equality of the sexes and the bit about stoning the vampire, all of the jokes fall flat. There's many of the same old tired jokes we've seen before in stories about someone from another era or world falling into our own- looking for a sorceress songstress in a TV, Depp saying inexplicable things and Pfeiffer's character covering it up as best as she can. Stale jokes about immortal breasts not ageing fail to impress. As well, none of these characters are endearing at all. Reciting The Joker doesn't make Depp's character lovable enough to pardon him for mass murdering innocent workmen and hippies. Let the Right One In (2008) had a killer vampire you couldn't help but hope would survive and get away. I wouldn't mind driving a stake through Barnabas myself; at least the movie would end quicker. It's under two hours, but feels longer. This certainly isn't Burton's best work; at least it's better than Mars Attacks!