Should have been titled "Tim Burton's Dark Shadows"

Rating: Null/10 (11 May 2012)

After seeing the trailers for this film I was prepared to hate it. The trailer promises something it (fortunately) doesn't deliver: Endless fish-out-of-water jokes about a vampire being released from a locked coffin after two centuries. Since that wears thin after two minutes it's well that this film didn't spend all its time there. Nor was this film a true comedy or even a satire. In fact, I'm hard-pressed to define it with any exactitude.
After a good, atmospheric prologue to explain Barnabas' backstory, the film becomes somewhat uneven. The comedy was slapdash in places, juvenile in others, and mostly pulling teeth in the rest. The best laughs in this film are actually from lines such as Barnabas' response to Carolyn's "Are you stoned?" when he says "They tried stoning me, my dear; it did not work." While this is a fish-out-of-water joke because of the gap in vernacular, it points to the realization that any humor that should be transfused into DARK SHADOWS should have been on the order of Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw. Visual jokes such as Barnabas brushing his fangs to no reflection in the mirror and his reactions to objects unknown in his own time should have seemed too obvious to be included in anything that purports to be original.
While Tim Burton's visual sense for sets and costumes is admirable and well done in this film, the makeup and lighting leave much to be desired. He is a one-trick pony with overpale complexions and whiteface makeup and dark sunken eyes on the characters and hair colors that look like nothing from nature or like they don't belong on the actress that wears it. His fascination with jailbait females is somewhat disturbing and accounts for a Carolyn who is significantly younger than in the TV series and a Victoria Winters who doesn't look remotely old enough to be a governess. In contrast, the makeup on Eva Green is designed to make her look cheap and hard, which is in absolute contrast to Lara Parker, the original Angelique. The special effects that make her farther away from human also do nothing positive for either the character or the story.
There were several lines lifted or adapted from the original series (fans will recognize them) and this is where we see Depp's appreciation of it. The power of the original series lay in the humanity of Barnabas and Angelique, not fully realized in this film. While it is impossible for a two-hour film to do what a stripped television program can do, we don't get enough of Barnabas' guilt nor do we get any sense that Angelique felt anything real for him. Which is a pity because Johnny Depp showed that he could have been an excellent Barnabas with a better script and without the Max Shreck fingernails and white foundation.
There was very little used of Robert Cobert's music from the original series and little new Danny Elfman music in favor of using actual 1970s music that was meant mostly to serve as ironic commentary to the action (such as the Barry White song used for the demonic sex scene whose action reminded me of the aerial fight in THE LOST BOYS). As in the TV series, the 1970s music should have been restricted to the party scene and scenes in the Blue Whale or other venues where such music would have been heard. Not doing so served to take away from what should have been the atmosphere of the film.