Burton in "coast" mode

Rating: 3/10 (10 April 2013)

Burton's recent output has been underwhelming to say the least, but this is maybe his most middling effort yet. Besides Burton's usual visual flair, there's just not really much to recommend about it. The story is weak, the dialogue broad and dumb, and as a result the movie just isn't very funny. Doesn't seem like much effort went into the script. It's a one-joke premise: Depp is a vampire from the 1860's and is just so out of place in the 70's. He yells at the television and doesn't understand any 70's pop-culture references. It throws a bunch of broad jokes about hippies, hookers, and The Carpenters (he thinks that the band is referring to, get this, actual carpenters) and it crams in too many jokes about how he thinks Alice Cooper is a woman.
Depp is solid as always, but the entire cast around him seems to be just phoning it in. No secondary characters are ever developed past a single quirk each, so none of the misfit family members carry any weight or significance. They exist solely to scowl at Depp's Barnabus and say how weird he is. Helena Bonham's character isn't in there for any discernible reason other than that she is married to Burton. The story follows the standard "fish out of water" handbook and really reaches to stretch a trivial story to a 2 hour runtime. Many bad lines strive hard to be funny and don't connect: instead of kiss my ass he says "I recommend you put your lips on my posterior and kiss it repeatedly". Lot of wasted ink for such a stale joke. There's a lame third act twist straight out of The Munsters. And of course the vampire turns out to have a heart of gold and help the family deal with their problems in his own quirky way. And they all grow to love and look up to him. Not one of the worst movies you'll see, bud definitely not a good one.