Embalmed Hilarity

Rating: 5/10 (20 June 2012)

Tim Burton must have seemed the ideal choice to resurrect the most infamous television vampire Barnabas Collins and his relatives from the Gothic Dan Curtis black and white soap opera "Dark Shadows" that aired on ABC from 1966 to 1971. Burton loves to make movies about eccentric people, and the folks lurking at Collinwood exemplify the eccentricity gone wild. The problem with Burton's campy but reverential homage to "Dark Shadows" is that it is all wrong. Mind you, "Dark Shadows" is nowhere as egregious as either Barry Sonnenfeld's "Wild Wild West" or Todd Phillips's "Starsky and Hutch." The secret to "Dark Shadows" is that most of its fans took it seriously despite its outlandish subject matter. I remember getting home from school as fast as I could to catch part of the show. The black & white videography with its "live telecast" quality imbued the series with an eerie suspense. The siren-like music set to waves crashing convulsively against the rocks is something that I'll never forget. Remember, until Hammer introduced the Universal monsters in color, black and white was integral to horror. Now, whenever Hollywood has to fondly remember anything, it does so with a wink and a smirk. "Dark Shadows" deserved better. "Dark Shadows" deserves a straightforward adaptation. Kenneth Branagh might have been better suited and a two hour plus running time with all the seriousness of Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves." Instead, Burton skewers everybody and everything in sight. The only redeeming feature about "Dark Shadows" is the way Burton wraps everything up in 1970's nostalgia, particularly with its evocative source music, whether it is The Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin" or a benign Carpenters' tune. If "Dark Shadows" had never existed, the Burton film might have been heralded as a work of genius. As it is, this handsomely produced homage looks as polished as anything Burton has ever done. Of course, if Burton had take the same approach that he did—playing things straight—with his "Planet of the Apes" reboot, "Dark Shadows" might have been fun. Often, I struggle to bring myself around to the filmmaker's perspective and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even with the benefit of the doubt, "Dark Shadows" is a misfire, but I suppose that it could have been infinitely worse.