Somewhat boring and unfocused

Rating: Null/10 (15 June 2012)

The thing about Johnny Depp and Tim Burton is that both of them are rather brilliant in their own right. They have a lot of talent, are very creative and they have made some seriously good films during their time in the business. It's just that their collaborations are starting to feel a bit stale. And I don't really blame Johnny Depp in this case, because even though his performance in this movie is not on par with his usual flair, he's still somewhat entertaining and unique. Rather I blame Tim Burton for not even trying. Because that's the key fault with this movie: it's lazy, uninteresting and unfocused.
Let's start with the plot, which is all over the place. The basic premise is that an ancient vampire wakes up in the 70s to find his family line in ruins, his manor about to crumple into dust and his worst enemy leading a rival company against his own factory. Fair enough, this is interesting and would allow for a lot of humour or dark drama. However, Burton should have picked one of these approaches and stuck with it. Instead he chose to go with both, which doesn't work at all. Sometimes you can mix emotional drama and humour together, but in this case it's a case of lowest common denominator humour mixed with angst. The case isn't really helped by the subpar actors, who are either completely wooden in their performances (anyone other than the main stars) or try to be both funny and dramatic at the same time (the main stars).
Furthermore, the story isn't focused enough and in the end leaves much too many questions unanswered. For example, at the beginning we are introduced to the love interest of the film, played by Bella Heathcote, and we spend a lot of time with her, getting to know how she acts and what makes her tick. And we think, okay, this chick is going to be Barnabas' (Johnny Depp) main lady, his foil and love interest in the same package. But when Depp's character is introduced we never she her again except in very brief scenes that feel rushed and forced, like they tried to fool us into thinking that these two are developing their chemistry, even though they're not. And then the character suddenly returns at the end of the film when it's time for Barnabas to get his girl. And I ask: how do you make that mistake, Tim Burton? That's basic film making 101. The love interest needs to be within the movie, she needs to interact with the protagonist with more than four lines of dialogue. Add in the bizarre twists during the final confrontation with Barnabas' rival and the nonsensical subplot with the father and you have a plot that makes no sense, has no coherence whatsoever and is quite frankly rather boring.
So the drama doesn't work. What about the humour? Unfortunately it's rather boring as well. I remember having smiled or smirked once or twice when Johnny Depp's character deadpanned something or the other, but I think that it was more because I sort of forced myself to laugh at him rather than because he was actually funny. And the rest of the characters aren't any better. Watch the trailer if you want to get most of the best jokes. And I use the term best loosely.
And finally, the usual best part of Burton's films: the visuals. Well, they actually weren't that bad. The colour palette was a bit grey and colorless, plus Johnny Depp still looked rather well-kept even though he himself has stated that they tried to make him unappealing. (A hint: This is Johnny Depp we're talking about, more effort than an oily haircut is required.) But otherwise the movie looks just fine. Not Burton's best movie in that regard by far, but it could have been worse. And some of the visuals jokes were actually somewhat creative.
So yeah, don't go see this film, it's not worth it. Let Tim Burton learn that we have had enough. He needs to step up his game, stop relying on the same old tricks and do something new. The old formula hasn't worked in his favour for some time now and this is the final proof of that. It's a mess and has very little value to anyone. It's not horrible to watch, per se, but it's very, very disappointing.