As a Dark Shadows movie it was okay and as a movie it was okay.

Rating: 5/10 (4 June 2012)

Alright, I went into this movie with very low expectations after being appalled by the first trailer and reading some dismal reviews of the movie beforehand. --Note this review contains spoilers-- Now to be fair, I had not become a fan of the original Dark Shadows soap opera until two months before the movie came out. I had been trying for years to track down a copy and thanks to the recent DVD re-releases in anticipation for the new movie; I was able to watch it. Despite the numerous onset gaffes, I loved it and was drawn in by the characters as well as the very compelling storyline. Now watching Tim Burton's adaptation, I tried my best to watch it as its own film. However, once the movie started, it turned out that I couldn't even do that. Dark Shadows opens in the year 1760 with the Collins family arriving in Maine from Liverpool and establishing the fishing town of Collinsport. Years later, Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is seen having an affair with the family maid Angelique (Eva Green). However, he soon tosses her aside in favor of marrying Josette DuPres (Bella Heathcote). However, it turns out that Angelique is witch who in turn kills Barnabas' parents, puts a spell on Josette which leads to her jumping off the cliff known as Widow's Hill and Barnabas is turned into a vampire. He is then locked up in a coffin and buried alive by the townspeople. Cut to the year 1972, a young girl named Maggie Evans (Bella Heathcote once again) has just escaped from Windcliff Sanitarium and hops on a train to works as a governess at the house Collinwood under the pseudonym of Victoria Winters. There she meets the reclusive family matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stodard (Michelle Pfeiffer), her rebellious daughter Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz), her brother Roger Collins (Johnny Miller), Roger's antisocial son David (Gulliver McGrath), an alcoholic live-in psychiatrist Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) and the family caretaker Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley). It isn't long after these characters are introduced that a construction crew accidentally opens the coffin of Barnabas Collins who dispatches them for blood. Barnabas finds that the Collins family fishing business is in financial ruins after their competitor Angel (Angelique in disguise) has pretty much taken over the fishing industry in Collinsport. With no other options, he decides to help his descendants regain their former glory and take back the fishing industry. Furious, Angelique is now hell bent on destroying the Collins family and at the same time trying to win Barnabas back. Again, while trying to look at this as a movie and not a Dark Shadows, I still couldn't help making the comparisons. Johnny Depp has none of the charm of Jonathan Frid as Barnabas Collins and spends the entire movie being shocked by everything he sees from a TV set to a lava lamp (this is gag is played through out the whole movie). Unlike the late Mr. Frid, Depp makes no attempt to blend in to his surroundings and seem like he is belong there which is not only an insult to the character but highly unrealistic. Sure the original Barnabas slipped up occasionally and almost threatened his own existence, but that's what his character more interesting and real. Eva Green as Angelique is actually pretty good and has all the jealousy of Lara Parker's performance but lacks Parker's hypnotic stare (Green can't help that though). Michelle Pfeiffer also does a fine job as Elizabeth Stoddard and captures the spirit of Joan Bennett in my opinion. However, I hated Helena Bonham Carter as Julia Hoffman. There way her character is written is as a drunk and a very vain woman. She offers to cure Barnabas of his vampirism, but is really stealing his blood so she can become a vampire to stay young. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! First off, making her a drunk is a huge insult to her character (Grayson Hall was never an alcoholic), makes her seem less professional and more incompetent. Also, the idea that Hoffman was stealing Barnabas blood is vast departure from the original series when she actually curing him. At that point, when she was sucked dry of her blood by Barnabas, I didn't make much of a difference to me. The rest of cast is very disposable. Heathcote is very bland as Vicky Winters/Maggie Evans, Johnny Miller was such a dick as Roger Collins (a complete detour from the original character), Chloe Grace Moretz is okay as Carolyn Stoddard (did they really need to sexualize her?) and Gulliver McGrath was given very little screen time as David (though David Collins was very annoying in the original series). The rest of the movie is pretty much full of nitpicks and controversial moments. These include the implied oral sex scene between Barnabas & Julia as well as Carolyn being revealed to be a werewolf at the very end of the film! The movie tries to cram all five years and 1225 episodes of Dark Shadows into a two hour movie. It changes certain ideas and combines others. At the same time Dark Shadows also has no idea whether it wants to be a comedy or a horror movie. There are some comedic scenes early that suddenly shift to Barnabas killing a group of hippies for their blood. There's even an argument between Barnabas and Angelique which leads to one of the dumbest sex scenes in a movie ever! However, the movie does have some merits which include great cinematography, vivid set design, and a fairly decent musical score by Danny Elfman. However, the most of the song selections (Nights in White Satin, Get it on, etc.) are shoehorned in to remind the audience that it's the seventies. Also, the movie lacks the Robert Cobert theme from the show! Bottom line, this movie is just okay. Not terrible, but certainly a misfire as a DS movie.