Dark Shadows...1.5 out of 4 Skittles

Rating: 3/10 (6 September 2012)

LOGLINE: In the 1770's the wealthy Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is cursed to spend eternity as a vampire by his lovesick servant and secret witch, Angelique (Eva Green). Upon discovery of his new affliction Collins is buried alive by the townspeople, and spends nearly two centuries underground until he is accidentally dug up by the construction crew building a new restaurant called McDonald's. Collins discovers times have changed as his family heirs are struggling to get by and the witch is now the most powerful and popular woman in town.
Yesthis is the actual premise that some Hollywood jerkoff thought would be a great movie to throw millions of dollars at to get made. Dark Shadows, based on the marginal late 60's/early 70's Gothic soap opera, is basically the story of what happens to a 18th century vampire who wakes up in the 1970's after a 200-year sleep. Jokes about all things the 70's decade had to offer are constantly thrown at the audience and the gag runs thinvery quickly.
The all-star cast struggles to find their footing, and the story plot is underdeveloped and pushed to the side to make way for the generic jokes that don't stick. Tim Burton seems to phone this one in. Burton's directorial detail and effort of his past classics such as Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands are nowhere to be found in this one, but I guess that should be expected from a guy who made boring movies out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Alice in Wonderland.
Dark Shadows is a misfire and a perfect example of how confused Hollywood currently is. When the mass audience already has a bloated belly full of vampire stories why trot out another movie that strips the genre of its essence and excitement? Maybe this will be the holy water or silver dagger that will be shanked through the heart of the current vampire trend and put us out of our misery. One can only hope.
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