There is no where to go but up.

Rating: 1/10 (10 August 2013)

I love Tim Burton. Several of his movies rank in my top 100 of all time. Sadly his adaptation of a popular television cult series, Dark Shadows, skirts the borders of Amateur land.
There are numerous touches of the Burton dark humor, and his casting is, once again, beyond criticism, but they are ALL wasted on what has to be one of the worst scripted screenplays I've sat through since Ed Wood's (ironically enough) Plan 9 from Outer Space. The difference is that old classic of bad movie-making is funny and memorable, this hollow mess is instantly forgettable.
The cast is wasted. Johnny Depp does his best, which is very good, with very little. This man is funny, one of the great comedians, and his timing of lines is perfect, yet, he cannot save this movie all by himself, from being interminable at 113 minutes, and boring beyond belief. It took me 4 days to get through it, turning it on and off, finally forcing myself to watch the incredibly lame climactic battle and limp ending. It is as if the production team simply gave up after the death of Dr Julia Hoffman (the splendidly funny Helena Bonham-Carter).
Michelle Pfeiffer makes almost no impression at all as Elizabeth Collins. This isn't her fault, she has nothing much to work with as far as character development (as in ZERO) and the fabulously beautiful Eva Green looks absurd in a very bad blonde wig. Her American accent comes and goes as well.
The CGI effects are okay, nothing special. I realize this movie is a probably intended as a send- up of the original kitschy TV show, a program I watched religiously as a kid, but I was never certain, watching Burton's effort, whether it was meant to be this stupid or not.
The most interesting performance, and one of the funniest, is by the girl who plays Caroline Collins, (sorry I've forgotten her name). She has a future in Burton movies I hope.
The whole concept should have been chucked in the shredder on Day One of the initial pitch.
Even the mighty slip and fall on their faces once in awhile. I hope it never happens again to Tim Burton. I feel his pain.