This ain't Dark Shadows, and it doesn't even pretend to be

Rating: 7/10 (7 March 2013)

This rendition of Dark Shadows plays out like a joke to the audience of the original soap. What this movie does is retain the characters and the relationships, but almost entirely discards everything else that made the soap what it was.
The 2012 film is a what-if scenario. What if the Gothic horror/drama was turned into a Tim Burton comedy? And what if they set it in the 70s instead of the 60s for some reason? What if ALL the story lines we know and loved were completed neglected on all accounts?
What if Roger didn't have his proper accent? What if Willie was a balding drunk? What if Dr. Hoffman was a drunk too? What if Maggie Evans was merged into Victoria Winters and had a convoluted backstory? What if one of the characters was a werewolf for absolutely no reason? What if Alice Cooper partied at Collinwood? What if Burke Devlin never existed?! Nor Jason McGuire, Reverend Trask, Ben Stokes, Jeremiah Collins, and countless others... What if nothing followed a pattern, and we just get vague cutouts of our beloved characters?
With its innumerous differences to the show accounted for, how *is* this movie actually? It's surprisingly watchable, in an over-bloated Tim Burton kind of way, but this movie really shines its subtle moments, which was a highlight aspect of the show. In a film where almost everything is just wrong about the mythology, Johnny Depp plays Barnabas Collins (vampire), channeling the original actor Jonathan Frid in a commendable performance where he retains the propriety of the real Barnabas. At least it kept that right, but all-in-all, this is a terrible representation of what Dark Shadows is all about. This movie is more amusing in how extravagant it is with the liberties it takes.