Was this an autobiographical movie by Tim? Is this about the spell cast on him to marry Helena Bonham Carter?

Rating: Null/10 (9 December 2014)

Quite a depressing prologue for a comedy, huh? Burton has talent to spare in the visual department but he still gets confused about the basics. He should have gone either for a comedy - a spoof of the vampire genre - or for a horror story.
"It is said that blood is thicker than water," says Depp in the prologue and the epilogue. Well, blood IS thicker than TALENT – that much is certain - at least in nepotism-encased, in-bred, elitist Hollywood. Hell-ena Bonham Carter is the great-granddaughter of no less than a former British Prime Minister and has a movie director in her corrupt lineage as well (no doubt a career handed to him on a plate by his famous head-of-state relative), whereas Eva Green's mother was a French movie actress. Both of them suck, and I don't mean blood.
Aside from dazzling visuals and occasionally original movies (though quite a few duds as well), Tim Burton has been displaying two other very obvious traits over the course of his career: one very positive, one very negative. The Positive: casting Depp for most of his movies. The Negative: casting his useless wives in all of his movies. Will Angelique Bouchard please be of some use finally and throw a curse at the Burton-Bonham marriage? As long as these two are married (and God only knows what accursed spell was thrown onto poor gullible Tim to make him fall in love with the blue-blooded little English goblin), he will keep on casting Hell-ena in EVERY single damn movie he makes. Angelique, you bloody witch, how about making him drink Love Potion no. 8 – the one that makes nerds fall in love with a hot new actress such as Amanda Crew (for example)? That would significantly improve his love-life, but much more importantly it would finally remove the dreary-looking, overrated cartero-bon(dis)harmonious Orc from all his future projects.
Is Eva Green supposed to be some kind of a sex-kitten? For all those of you who have seen her walk around butt-naked in "Dreamers" – a movie for which she agreed to degrade herself like a jackass hooker for Bertolucci – she has (or had) a spectacular set of knockers, but her face leaves much to be desired. At best, she is pretty-ish, at worst (when she smiles ear-to-ear for example, like some Julia Roberts demon) she's hideous. Burton could have hired a far more competent and sexy actress for this role, but I guess he has become a Hollywood elitist himself, what with marrying "blue-blooded" princesses and the like. Eva's role is anyway a fairly simple affair; mugging and overacting is needed in abundant supply, which Eva provides, albeit in mediocre fashion.
I know this is just a comedy-horror fairy tale, but giving the witch THIS much power? There must be some sort of a "silly horror flick superpowers limit" as to how much magic one witch can wield. Eva Green is given so much power that realistically she should have been ruling the world by the time Depp's 196-year imprisonment ended, not some meaningless little fishing hamlet. What would a witch want with fish, anyway? If it's money she's after, she should have become the female Bill Gates. Nor did I understand why Depp didn't immediately get on with killing Green as soon as he was released from captivity – rather than wait like a moron until she very predictably struck again.
I do expect some semblance of logic even from a movie such as this. However, Burton quite clearly pays little or no attention to such details.
Depp is terrific as the vampire, and gets nearly all the laughs – most of which are located in the first half of the movie. The segment during which Depp discovers his New World dominates the movie in quality, although to be fair the visual quality is so high that it alone makes the movie very watchable even during its weaker moments – such as Eva Green overacting and grinning hideously or that embarrassingly cheesy Alice Cooper segment.