Beyond painfulbeyond the pale

Rating: 2/10 (6 April 2013)

Don't think this review will be a comparison to the original, because the Burton/Depp movie is so far removed and bears so little resemblance to the series that it can be critiqued as its own separate entity. Knowing who was involved, I admit to having low expectations going in, but was surprised to discover that it was far worse than I imagined.
The movie starts with a prologue and the problems begin immediately. The sequence is rushed and is aided by a Barnabas voice-over providing an expository information dump. This is a visual medium, show the audience, don't tell them. Who is he talking to and why? The audience, another character? Or is he dictating his life story to Will Loomis in parallel time? This sequence was the only one which provoked a laugh from me and an inappropriate one at that; when a bereaved Barnabas takes a dive off the cliff and splats on the rocks below. The effect was terrible and I laughed out loud. From that point on, I sat in stone-faced silence, nary a smile or chuckle to be had.
The movie then skips to the future and the seventies soundtrack, intended to evoke the era, comes across as intrusive and obvious, although my reaction may stem from a long-time loathing of Nights in White Satin. And the movie just continues careening downhill. Characters are introduced, but are really nothing more than hoary clichés. With the absence of any character development, we don't care for them, and why should we? When Barnabas reappears in the twentieth century, the characters' blasé attitude regarding his vampirism is illogical. Barnabas' attempt to adjust to a new era, especially in the montage sequence, is bad burlesque in need of the hook. The sex jokes about birthing hips, balls, fellatio, adolescent masturbation and panties on the face are puerile, obviously aimed at the 12 to 18 crowd, who mistake such things for wit.
The movie plods along at an excruciatingly slow pace, with the script attempting to insert too many characters and plot points from the series into a two hour time frame, a poor decision. At one point, less than halfway through, I found myself growing bored, restless, fidgety, and my mind wandering. Shortly after that, I struggled to keep my eyes open, as there was nothing to engage me. This movie is neither mysterious, dramatic, funny or frightening. Instead, it's dull, flat, slow, unfocused, turbid and directionless.
The performances overall are uninspired and forgettable. Jackie Earle Haley gets off one or two good lines that belong in another movie and Helena Bonham Carter was best in the brief scene where Dr. Hoffman attempts to psychoanalyze Barnabas. As for Depp, he does what one would expect in a Burton collaboration - slap on the white face and act strange. True to form, he "borrows" from other performers and/or performances, mostly Max Schreck from Nosferatu. It's the usual shtick and his performance is grandiloquent (that's not a compliment).
The climax of the movie is a pastiche from other films, including The Exorcist, House of Usher, the remake of The Haunting, Harry Potter flicks and, most notably, Death Becomes Her. Additionally, it throws in an out-of-nowhere, groan inducing "twist" and a hackneyed deus ex machina. Writer Seth Grahame-Smith should have his WGA card revoked and be banned from touching any and all writing instruments for life. Burton and Depp should simply divorce.
If this movie has you at all curious as to what Dark Shadows is really about, here's a suggestion. To see the Collins' business rival, Vicki's arrival and Roger's lousy parenting, rent Dark Shadows The Beginning, volumes 1-6. To see Barnabas' arrival, Maggie Evans, the Josette/Barnabas/Angelique triangle and how Barnabas became a vampire, rent the Dark Shadows Collection volumes 1-7. Yes, you'll invest a lot of time, but the acting is better (at times, great), the writing is more intelligent and crisp and there's some genuinely humorous snark delivered with panache. If Gothic drama isn't your thing and you're looking for a good vampire comedy instead, watch Love at First Bite.