"Women don't care about money, man... or sheep..."

Rating: 7/10 (10 May 2012)

1770's. The aristocratic Barnabas, whose family founded the small harbor town of Collinsport, has a tawdry affair with one of his maids(who feels scorned by the higher-ups, thus going into the class struggle), and when he breaks it off, he finds that she was a witch(Eva Green, whose wicked smile sends chills down your spine), and... she doesn't take it well. She places a curse on his entire line, kills his parents and fiancée, Josette(another beautiful young woman... Tim has taste...! And Chloë Grace Moretz is... still jailbait, oops) and turns him into a creature of the night. She has him trapped in a chained-shut coffin, where he remains for two centuries. Waking up, he finds it to be the 1970's(something that this draws surprisingly few jokes from... heck, half of them are in the trailer; it's mostly the backdrop(the production design of this is great, costumes, sets... they built this city! No, I don't know if they used rock 'n roll!), and this whole thing is a love-letter to the decade... the soundtrack is fantastic, and from that period as well), and he must familiarize himself with this new time(Johnny Depp is impeccable at portraying eccentrics, so why this is the first time he was cast as a 200-year-old fish-out-of-water vampire(and this doesn't shy away from the blood-sucking and tragic nature thereof, he is conflicted and we can't view him quite as a role model) is anyone's guess), and when he finds his beloved estate, Collinwood, in disrepair and the family(a big theme in this is the strength of such) connected by little other than blood relation, he vows to improve both to their destined high stature. And there he also meets a woman who looks just like his lost love, and he falls for her. This is based on the show of the same name, I'm told, though I know little about it and can draw no comparisons. There are a few interesting characters, such as Elizabeth(Michelle Pfeiffer), the strong, independent woman who was the head of the Collins' until the return of the patriarch. I like Jackie Earle Haley who plays Willie Loomis, the drunken caretaker... in other roles. Several jokes and gags genuinely fall flat. Is this a black, campy comedy(and Burton brings his sometimes dirty sense of humor, along with his visual flair and signature style)? Yes. But it's also fantasy(there are mysteries and most of the main players have a secret each... and the majority are cool), a dark love story and a soap opera-ish drama. The climax is very nicely done, and this has some truly memorable, inspired sights(such as the sex scene between our two supernatural leads you see in the previews, with them throwing each other into walls, rolling on the ceiling, etc.). There is some bloody violence, disturbing content and mild to moderate language in this. I recommend this to fans of the director and/or the star. 7/10