5 on a scale of 10

Rating: 5/10 (11 July 2001)

A must-miss film, unless you want to waste your time AND money. I went to this movie for one reason - it got an A average by the 10 reviewers in Entertainment Weekly who rate movies. I'm now convinced, having been burned on American Beauty, Traffic and Thin Red Line, that critics LOVE these utterly worthless excuses for entertainment because they are (drum roll) utterly worthless excuses for entertainment (UWEFE). By that I mean, the average critic has seen 10 billion movies. The average excellent movie that entertains most of us (say Castaway or Finding Forrester or Gladiator) is simply some form of rehash that the critic has seen a thousand times. So, when some UWEFE comes out, they love it because it is different. Not good, but from their uppity perspective "Thank God it is different." And, they superimpose their relief on the rest of us with some idiotic critique justifying it.
Here is why I nearly hated this movie:
1) The book was highly superior, and I not only didn't read it, but don't even know if one was ever written!
2) All movies have an obligation to lay out the physical rules - if they are different than the known universe - within which they will operate. There was NEVER one single reference made in any way that the players were not human. We were simply led to believe that they were trained by the greatest master(s) in the world. But, I'm here to tell you something. SPOILER ALERT: I don't care if they were trained by JESUS 24/7 for 100 years, they wouldn't be able to fly and walk on water! At least not if they were human. That was so ludicrous that nearly everyone around me was snickering with embarrassment for paying to watch it. (Minus 1.5 points and that's being generous.)
3) I HATE SUBTITLES! Now, in fairness, I could have (should have) known going in, but I didn't. The only worthwhile subtitle movie I ever saw as Das Boot many years ago. I am going to a movie to be entertained - not to have to be fearful of looking away for even a second. I do not like to have to go back and forth between the two. Period. It sucks. I hate it. And, I would NEVER do it intentionally. Big negative. (Minus 1.5 points and that's being generous.)
4) Here are the movie names of the players (just skim to save time). Li Mu Bai, Shu Lien, Jiao Long Yu (Jen), Xiao Hu Luo (Lo), Sir Te, Jade Fox, Bo, Madam Yu, Tsai, Auntie Wu, De Lu, Gou Jun Pei, Gou Jun Sinung, Mi Biao, Fung Machete Chang, Monk Jing. Now, here is the problem. We not only have to remember their names coming at us one after another (when we have no points of reference), but we also have to remember just as many ping pong, ying yang, hop sing places. And, believe me, they don't make it easy on us. I don't go to movies to have to spend half my time trying to remember which Moo Goo Guy Pan is trying to carve up what Chow Mein - if you know what I mean. If it was Bob, Ted, Carol and Alice in Philadelphia and Baltimore, hey, I've got the reference points. No need for wasted brain cells. Ironically, one of the lines in the movie was "Who could remember all these long names." (Minus 1.5 points.)
5) WAY TOO LONG. IF a movie is good, then 2 hours plus is ok. If it is bad, then it better be 1:40 or less or it gets a time deduction! (Minus 1/2 point.)
Some aspects of acting, cinematography and fighting were good to very good. Some weren't. Some of the fighting scenes were too long and too ridiculous. However, there were enough positives in these areas to outweigh the negatives, so a net wash.
The bottom line is this. I possibly could have given this movie of 7 or 8 if it weren't foreign. Too many problems associated with it - not the least of which was culture. Frankly, beyond all my specific criticisms, I just didn't get it. What the heck is jumping off the cliff all about? And, who the heck cares? And, what on earth does the name Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon have to do with anything? And, who the heck cares?
But, back to the foreign issue. Perhaps it deserves best foreign film, but best film????!!!! Give me a break! Simply because there is a category for best foreign film, logically (a seriously missing ingredient nowadays) MUST imply that the Oscars are American. This is as far from an American film as it is possible to be! Now, you can call me whatever you want. But, here are the facts. 1) "I" rate it a 5! 2) "I" am an AMERICAN! 3) "I" went to the movie in the heart of AMERICA! 4) "I" paid AMERICAN dollars! Conclusion: "I" expect to be entertained as an American!! As far as I know, it may be the greatest Chinese movie ever made. But, then the French like Jerry Lewis and the Japanese like Godzilla too. So, if you think you think like me, then be forewarned. This is one film to avoid!