The Emperor's New Film (with apologies to Hans Christian Anderson)

Rating: Null/10 (20 February 2001)

Once upon a time, there lived an Emperor who ruled over a large kingdom encompassing a Major Film Studio. The Emperor's only worry in life was to make great films. He greenlighted many films and loved to show them off to his people. A few of these actually were great films, but many were not.
Word of the Emperor's films spread over his kingdom and beyond. Some film producers from a foreign land who had heard of the Emperor's vanity decided to take advantage of it. They introduced themselves at the gates of the Emperor's studio with a scheme in mind.
`We have invented an extraordinary method to turn an average kung fu flick into a box office smash,' they said. `It is called 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. As a matter of fact, its greatness cannot even be seen by anyone who is too stupid or unhip to appreciate it.'
The Emperor gave the producers a large bag of gold in exchange for their promise to begin working on the film immediately. `Just tell us what you need to get started and we will give it to you,' he said, `marketing, distribution, you name it.'
The producers then pretended to begin working on a quality film. The Emperor thought he had spent his money quite well: in addition to getting an extraordinary new film, he would discover which of his subjects were stupid or unhip.
Some time later, the Emperor called in his most trusted advisors, the President of Production, the President of Marketing and the President of Distribution. [In those mythical days of yore, everyone working at an Emperor's studio, no matter at what level, was entitled to be called `President' of something. In fact, they even had a President of the Mail Room.]. `Go and see how the work is proceeding,' the Emperor told them, `and come back and let me know.'
The advisors were welcomed by the producers. `We're almost finished,' they said. `Here Excellencies, admire the script, see the acting.' The advisors looked at the film and tried to see the greatness that was not there. They felt a cold sweat break out on their foreheads. `I can't see anything,' they all thought at once. `If I see nothing, that means I'm stupid, or worse, unhip.'
`What a marvelous film!' the advisors said. `We'll certainly tell the Emperor.' The producers rubbed their hands gleefully. They had almost made it. More gold was requested to finish the film.
Finally, the Emperor received the announcement that the film was finished. `Here it is, Your Majesty,' the producers said. `We have worked night and day, but at last, the most beautiful film in the world is ready for you. Look at the acting and see how fine it is.' Of course the Emperor did not see any real acting at all, nor was there anything which could actually be called a story or a script. He panicked and felt like fainting. But when he realized that no one could know that he actually saw nothing, he felt better. `Yes, this truly is a great film,' the Emperor said, trying to look comfortable. `You've done a fine job.'
`Your Majesty,' the advisors said, `we have a request for you. The people have found out about this extraordinary film and they are anxious to see it.' `All right,' the Emperor said, `I will grant the people this privilege.' He summoned his distributors and commanded that showings of the film be held all over the land. Film critics raved about it. Incredibly, the film was nominated for many awards, including the most prestigious award, a gold statuette presented annually by the Emperor Oscar. Finally, all the people gathered in the main square, known as IMDB User Comments, pushing and shoving to get a better look. An applause welcomed the regal presentation.
As the Emperor's film passed the crowd in IMDB, a strange murmur rose from the crowd. Many said, loud enough for the others to hear, `Look at the Emperor's new film! It's a masterpiece! I have never seen anything like it in my life.' Some of the more outspoken subjects even went so far as to voice their opinion that this was the best film ever.
They all tried to conceal their disappointment at not being able to see anything in film other than the silly mediocrity that it truly was, and since nobody was willing to admit that he was unhip or just didn't `get it', they all behaved as the producers had predicted.
One viewer, however, just a regular viewer who could only see things as his eyes showed them to him, went to the film hoping to see greatness. He sat through it, just the same as anyone else (he even tried, though ultimately unsuccessfully, to restrain himself from commenting openly when one of the characters in the film said: `When will this end?').
And when the film was over, this viewer said simply, `The Emperor is naked. There's no great film here; it's just an average grade B kung fu flick.'
`Fool,' the critics and others reprimanded, `Don't talk nonsense.' But the viewer's remark, which had been heard by the bystanders, was repeated over and over again until everyone cried: `The viewer is right. The Emperor is naked. This is a mediocre film at best and is certainly not even remotely worthy of an Oscar nomination. What could they have been thinking!'
The Emperor realized that the people were right but could not admit to that. He thought it better to continue the film under the illusion that anyone who couldn't see its greatness was either stupid or unhip. And he stood stiffly, while behind him a page held up his imaginary film.
Postscript: Well that's the fairy tale. The real ending, unfortunately, is that everyone keeps on deluding themselves that Crouching Tiger really is a great film actually worthy of an Oscar nomination.