Everyone who is good is bad and everyone who is bad is good...

Rating: 1/10 (18 January 2015)

This got an Oscar for Best Picture? Seriously? Spoiler alert: Watching this film will spoil two hours of your life. Reading this will only spoil two minutes.
Crash 101: Bullock (wealthy LA socialite) screams at her husband (they've just been carjacked) that the Hispanic locksmith is going to give their new keys to his gang banger friends. Then she screams at her Hispanic maid for not putting away the dishes. Then she sprains her ankle and none of her rich bitch friends come to help her but the Hispanic maid does. She puts her arms around the maid and says, "you're my BEST friend".
Then, black carjackers (one nice, one bad) hit a poor/innocent/hardworking "chinaman" with Bullock's stolen car as he's getting into his van. Chinaman's wife finds him in the hospital and he tells her to "cash this check immediately". It's a paycheck for the slaves still chained in the back of his van - because, you know, slave trafficers are paid by personal checks.
Matt Dillon is racist cop who pulls over rich black couple, Terence Howard and Thandie Newton. Dillon makes them get out of expensive car, spread 'em, cop gropes wife, husband can't do anything about it. White racist cop forces black husband to make humiliating apology in exchange for "freedom". At home, drunk black wife screams at black husband for being a coward.
While all this is going on racist cop's white partner, Ryan Phillippe, does nothing. Then asks his black commander for a transfer away from racist cop. Black commander won't grant transfer because he doesn't want to be seen as attacking lower ranking white racist cop. Later, non-racist Phillippe picks up a lone black hitchhiking teenager (the "nice" car jacker from above), in the middle of the night because - so many people, cops or otherwise, do that... They get into an argument for no reason. "Good" hitchhiker/carjacker reaches into his pocket for St. Christopher statue because lots of black/teen/thugs carry those with them. Non-racist cop thinks he's going for a gun and shoots thug dead. Non-racist cop dumps good/black/carjacker's body on the side of the road.
Persian store owner and daughter buy a gun. White gun shop owner says they're responsible for 911. Persian store owner has Hispanic locksmith (same from Bullock's house) fix lock on his store. Store gets burglarized anyway. Asian insurance adjuster won't cover burglary because door/lock weren't good. Persian guy gets his new gun, hunts down Hispanic locksmith to kill him (btw, Hispanic locksmith speaks perfect English and is best daddy/husband in the world to 5 year old daughter and wife), finds him and confronts him with gun in front of his home. Locksmiths's daughter runs out and jumps into Hispanic daddy's arms to protect him as gun goes off. Hispanic daddy/locksmith screams over shot daughter (long story about magic bullet proof cape she's wearing). Persian killer (not responsible for 911) looks on in horror. But 5 year old isn't shot. Bad/white/gun store owner had sold him blanks to go with gun purchase because, you know, 911.
Don Cheadle is an LA detective with a crack addicted mother and a missing brother, and a "white" girlfriend. His crack mother only cares about her missing son even though Cheadle brings her groceries but she's too cracked out to notice. Brother turns out to be black/teen/thug/carjacking/hitchhiker who's body is found on the side of the road shot by non-racist cop Phillippe. Cheadle and his crack mother identify brother/son's body. She blames Cheadle for brother's death because he "didn't find him and bring him home". Cheadle is sad because crack mother thinks groceries came from thug/carjacking/hitchhiking/missing son and not him...
Racist cop Matt Dillon is actually a "good" guy because he cares for ailing father who can't pee. He also saves black/angry/drunk/rich/wife (from earlier "spread 'em" traffic stop) by pulling her from fiery crash. Rich/black/"spread 'em"/husband later ends up being car jacked by "bad carjacker" from earlier Bullock carjacking. They get into high speed argument, "I'm taking your car - no you're not", and end up being pulled over. Rich/black/spread 'em"/speeding/husband decides this is a good time NOT to cooperate with cops. Standoff ensues. Non-racist white cop, Phillippe, happens to be there, intervenes, everyone backs off. Bad carjacker has been hiding in "semi-carjacked car" through all of this. Rich/black/husband lets bad/carjacking/thug go but tells him, black to black, he's ashamed of him. Harsh man.
I'm not even going to go into the black TV director/of a black sitcom/Tony Danza storyline...
So bad/black/teen/carjacking/thug goes back to bad/hit and run/Chinaman's van and releases slaves. Good/black/teen/carjacking/thug is dead on the side of the road where his brother, Detective Cheadle, finds him during investigation. Sandra Bullock still loves her Hispanic maid. Dillon, the good/son/racist/molesting/cop is now a hero. Un-shot Hispanic locksmith family lives happily ever-after. Persian store owner goes back to store happy he didn't become a murderer. Detective Cheadle just goes on being under-appreciated by crack mother. And then there's another car crash and you don't even care at this point.
This is a mediocre movie with a manipulative screenplay. It makes a pretense to be about interconnectedness but ultimately it's a laundry list of all the racist/racial possibilities in people. And then flips each one on it's head. You don't get to know or care about any of them because it's just a long list of reversals. "Crash" is as much a "movie" as this is a "review". Gotcha!