4 dead girls on a deadman's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Rating: Null/10 (31 August 2001)

This long awaited picture had trailers that really pulled at the heartstrings of women and men everywhere. I am sure that staring at the trailers for this movie, most of your average moron teenagers thought this movie was a wonderful idea and couldn't wait to attend the first screening of this movie. However, I sat riveted in my seat staring at an unbelievably frightening preview of what Jerry Bruckheimer had to throw at the American public. I built up an immediate bias against the movie and vowed never to see it.
Enter the girlfriend....
It is impossible to tell your girlfriend that a movie is bad without ever having seen it because she will always come back with the "how do you know if you've never seen it?" No amount of rational explanation would make sense (go figure - they're women). So, I swallowed every last bit of loathing I had for this movie and its peak (the just-as-frightening cameo of LeAnn Rimes) and chased it with a few glasses of Myers's Rum.
And, without further duress, I can without fail tell my girlfriend that she owns the most horrid piece of video known to man or woman. The sappiness and overstated plot was not to be outdone by the flaunting of women on a bar in tight, unimaginative clothing. Whether this movie was marketed towards men or women is hard to say, but the fact that neither sex could possibly enjoy this useless drivel is clear fact.
1) The idea that some girl is going to head to NY to make it as a songwriter is as bland and flavorless as Cream of Wheat. Thousands of artists head to the Apple daily to watch their dreams shattered and take to the pipe or something. While this movie was supposed to be based around this girl's success and hardship, all I found was that the writer and director knew very little about the music business and built a ridiculous fantasy for millions of idiot children to belive in. Watch out NY, more "musicians" headed your way. To the plethora reviewers that said that this movie was an awakening to the works of the music business: try walking outside your front door. NO business accepts the kind of ideas this movie is trying to push and the music industry is no different.
2) The over-produced storyline is apparent from the beginning. If you can't see past the formula used to put this movie together you're either deaf and watching an uncaptioned version of the movie (if you were lucky) or this is the first time you've been introduced to "moving pictures."
3) The acting in this movie... wow - since it seems that we are limited to 1,000 words in this review, I'll just leave this to one word: whorendous. yes, i misspelled that...
Well, it seems that I must depart and pick up my girlfriend and take her to the mall. Maybe we can find some more amazingly absurd pieces of entertainment... Pokemon is still "in", right?