Uglier than you think...

Rating: Null/10 (5 July 2003)

ALL MY REVIEWS CONTAIN SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Whenever I am discussing Tyra Banks, the woman I plan to marry, to other women, without fail, they immediately begin to sip on a tall bottle of Hatorade and dis the hell out of her. I've heard it all: She's phony, her forehead is too big, her breasts are man made; all statements in which Rocky the Bear does not care. My latest Tyra complaint however, intrigued me somewhat. I was arguing with a girl, a post sex tradition for me, and when she realized she couldn't change my mind regarding my feelings towards the famed Victoria Secrets model, she scraped the bottom of the barrel and said, "...And what the hell does Coyote Ugly mean anyway??"
At first, I didn't know she was serious, but when I began to ask around, I noticed many women did not know what this phrase meant. Maybe because it's a guy thing. Coyote Ugly is a bar or club term, used to define "a stranger in your bed, particularly one who was fine as hell last night, but in the morning is coyote ugly." The kind of chick who is so disgusting, you'd rather gnaw your arm off than wake her up, in the same fashion a coyote gnaws off his leg, if caught in a trap. Ladies who aren't familiar with this term are probably the same ones who wake up in the morning with a lone bicep under their necks.
Sharp readers out there will probably notice how I am discussing other issues, and not the movie. I am doing it on purpose. I am saving you the time, and saving myself the embarrassment of admitting that I actually sat through this travesty of a flick; a flick that not even T&A could save, if you could imagine that. What happens when you mix a half pint of Cocktail, add two cups of Flashdance, and a shot of Fast Forward? Actually, you get nothing, but when you stick an umbrella in it, it instantly becomes "Coyote Ugly." Fine a*s Piper Perabo plays "Violet," a New Jersey girl who moves to New York City with dreams of becoming a songwriter. Everyone in Manhattan treats her like a complete outsider, as if Jersey is on the other side of the earth, and not 40 miles away. Okay, on second thought, I can understand that. But what I can't understand is how when she moves to a dump in Chinatown, we do not see a single Chinese person.
After no luck with the music biz, she auditions for a job at a bar named Coyote Ugly. Three girls work there already, including Zoe, the token, brilliantly played by Tyra Banks. Zoe is leaving the bar in one week, to go to law school. This is completely understandable because she only makes a measley 300 bucks a night at the bar (or 78k a year.) Violet takes her spot as a Coyote, and then the 80s pop era of film, which I thought was dead, begins. The bar itself is handled very realistically. Why? Because the bartenders perform choreographed routines on the bar, as if in a music video. The NYC fire marshal frequents the bar regularly, yet never shuts it down-- even though every night the place is 100 people over maximum capacity. Bartenders spit fire balls at the crowd, and on some occasions, light the bar itself on fire for no reason.
The film is one cliche after another, including the following scenes: boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy shows "stalker persistence" so naturally girl begins to like boy, boy and girl have an opening up discussion on the hood of a car overlooking Manhattan's skyline, girl has fight with over protective dad, girl has fight with boy, girl loses job, girl makes up with over protective dad, girl makes up with boy, girl even gets her job back, girl makes it big in the music biz, girl meets LeAnn Rimes.
There. You've just seen the whole movie, but chances are you've seen this same movie dozens of times before this one even came out. My only surprise of the film was Jerry Bruckheimer's name in the credits as a producer. He truly is the hardest working man in Hollywood. Or the most desperate.

* out of 5.