The nightmare after Christmas

Rating: 3/10 (6 November 2006)

There's something so sad and wistful about this gray-colored film, as it plods along wishing that something exciting would happen to it. It's bad enough that all the characters look like they belong in some crappy 1960s stop-animation movie for kids, but they stylistically resemble that time, with exaggerated hair and body types. At least the nightmare before Christmas had more than three colors, which is all you'll see in this film, and your favorite color better be gray.
Among the film's many faults is its lack of characterization. If you're going to feature a worm, why not make it cute, instead of the literally ugly little thing that crawls about talking like Peter Lorre. There's nothing even remotely lovable about it. And why not name the main characters Victor/Victoria, just to showcase a lack of imagination. Scariest of all is the pastor, an elongated horror gifted with Christopher Lee's voice. It's all very ugly and disturbing, as cold and heartless as an Ingmar Berman film.
There is a particularly stupid scene where everyone runs around the burning pastor without the slightest idea of how to extinguish a fire; this knowledge is beyond even the pastor himself. The hosts calmly look on as the terrified pastor's clothes burn cheerily, the only spot of color in the entire film.
The dialogue is inspid and stilted, without an ounce of emotion or surprise, as whomever wrote the script was apparently raised in front of the television. The stiff, Victorian drawing-room conversations hold no surprises whatsoever and you see every word coming. This is the most unchallenging, nonthreatening film of all time. The "living" people are so sedate that they are indistinguishable from the dead people. Victor's blue face and Johnny Depp eyes at first glance appear to be soulful, but there is no identifiable character behind the figure.
For some reason the dead rejoin the living at the end of the movie, and old friends and family are reunited, even couples. Don't think about this last part too hard, if you know what I mean. Yuck.
All in all, if you watch this movie, then like old folks in a nursing home you'll just be waiting for something to happen, and it never does. It has a boring ending that totally doesn't make any sense, like Burton's "Planet of the Aches".