Pretty Disappointing

Rating: 5/10 (13 August 2005)

From the previews, 'Constantine' looks enormously appealing: a special effects bonanza, fusing the comic book action hero aesthetic with creepy occult horror themes that inevitably draw in audiences raised with a healthy fear of hellfire and damnation. Unfortunately, it turns out to be yet another vague, unconvincing B-movie dressed up to look smarter than it actually is, with schizophrenic pacing, plot holes galore, bad acting, and demons that are about as scary as the Fun House ride at a rural state fair.
Keaunu Reeves is John Constantine, a man born with psychic powers that enable him to see demons and angels, the soldiers in the ongoing spiritual battle for the souls of humanity (which, unsurprisingly, appears to take place solely in Los Angeles). As a boy, Constantine successfully attempted suicide, but was brought back by medical intervention. He was dead long enough, however, to be damned to hell, and has spent his subsequent years trying to earn a reprieve from God by fighting demons that torment and possess humans and banishing them back to hell, with the aid of a crew of mismatched sidekicks and a stock of holy relics for weapons.
But trouble is afoot: an ancient relic--the spear used to pierce Jesus' side during the crucifixion--has been unearthed, meaning that the anti-Christ may soon be among us. To make matters worse, Constantine--a lifelong chain-smoker--has terminal lung cancer, and has yet to earn his pardon. Meanwhile, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz), an L.A. cop, has lost her twin sister to suicide, and begins to suspect both that her death may have been occult-related, and that Constantine might be able to help her solve the mystery and spare her sister's soul from eternal suffering.
I could elaborate further, but suffice it to say that logic and verisimilitude were out to lunch when this one got put together. The film seems to depend on a barrage of visual effects that, while impressive, have become typical enough in big-budget films that they fail to persuade or frighten without explanation or clear rationale. Keanu Reeves can be an appealing screen presence, but here he's so wooden and miscast that he almost singlehandedly ruins a film that was already on pretty shaky ground. The best performances come from the actors with the least screen time--Djimon Hundsou as Papa Midnight, who runs a demon-infested nightclub and appears to be some sort of mediary between heaven and hell (though his actual function is never really explained); Tilda Swinton as the androgynous angel Gabriel, who, rather un-angelically, taunts Constantine for his efforts to save his own soul; and Peter Stormare as a superbly creepy Satan who arrives a little too late to save the movie from mediocrity.
The big problems here are pacing and plot. 'Constantine' shifts from ponderous stretches dominated by Keanu trying his best to look like a guy who has been to hell and back and frenetic effects sequences that seem to expect the audience not to care what's happening or why as long as there are CGI demons on screen. The plot runs into the typical problems faced when filmmakers try to translate Christian occult mythology to the action/horror genre. To explicate the problems would give too much away; suffice it to say that that the fundamental intelligence of the story can be summarized in the observation that Constantine fights demons with a 'holy shotgun' and a pair of brass knuckles engraved with crosses, and all it takes to visit hell for a minute or two is to soak your feet in water and hold a kitty cat.
'Constantine' is, of course, a comic book ('Hellblazer;' the title was abandoned due to its similarity to 'Hellraiser'), and the character is basically Batman or Wolverine without the costume. Sadly, the story pits style over substance, and fails to persuade. It isn't irredeemably bad--the production values are high, and everyone but Reeves and the exasperating Shia LaBouef (as Constantine's wise-cracking teen-aged sidekick) give A-grade performances--but even clunkers like the recent, laughable 'Exorcist' prequel are scarier and more convincing.