Letter to the producers of Constantine

Rating: 4/10 (10 April 2005)

Dear Producers of Constantine: I thought you would like to know that my husband and I went to see your movie last night at our local flea pit. The audience (including us) totaled four. For our local flea pit on a Saturday night, that's a great turnout (we were the only people in the audience for a Saturday night showing of Lost in Translation.) Anyway, I have to say that my husband fell asleep after the first half hour. And he's a CGI fan.
Constantine isn't all bad. The CGI is very, very good (The Hell scene looked cheap on a "Constantine: The Movie" TV special we caught, but it was impressive on the semi big screen of the fleapit). The art direction is fabulous. The guy who played Satan was a knockout. His scene with him sparring on a chair while Keanu tries to light up came the closest to the comic. The costuming was like the script: everything was in black and white.
If you're going to base a movie on a very cool ironic comic with a big fan base, why didn't you first of all stick to the comic? John Constantine Hellblazer the comic character kicks wacko demons' butts. Why did you give the green light to a script that featured a uber Catholic morality tale? (I heard Jamie Delano and Garth Ennis, both writers for Hellblazer the comic, took their names off the film. What happened to their treatment?) I knew the film was going to be a stinker when I heard Keanu was a playing an American John Constantine and the setting was Los Angeles. The location people did a great job in finding creepy buildings and streets to shoot, but Los Angeles? For Constantine? Having an American actor play a British character, given a good script, may not be such a disaster, but why put the character in a setting that doesn't evoke the comic at all? And why did you put an amoral sorcerer who smokes like a chimney in a plot complete with anti smoking propaganda? The most unbelievable part of the film was Constantine looking over the skyline at the end and popping gum in his mouth. The coda of him putting his lighter on the tombstone of his sidekick was even worse.
I can't blame Keanu for turning in a blank performance because the writers gave him nothing to work with. Rachel Weise's performance was amazing given that she didn't have much to do in her part either except get wet and look scared a lot. The supporting characters were twitchy like the comic would have them but also too twitchy- maybe they just seem OTT compared to Keanu's vapidness. The best performance by far was the cat's. He had the best written part.
I can see your wanting to promote Vertigo titles  Warner Brothers owns DC comics  but next time you make an adaptation, get a writer who has worked on the comics. Or at least knows the comics. And please don't try to add messages based on public service commercials.