Inconstantine.

Rating: 3/10 (9 August 2011)

Beautifully shot in ocher tinge, evoking a mythopoeic superstructure, striking cinematography accentuating iconic imagery and mellifluous art direction, it's a pity CONSTANTINE is such an insensate, half-headed dog of a film.
This movie was better when it was called THE MATRIX.
Traversing between two parallel dimensions, Neo - I mean, John Constantine (Keanu Reeves, kickin' it arctic cool, by way of Eastwood's Stranger and Ren & Stimpy) is some kind of secular exorcist, a border patrol for illegal demons trying to cross over into our dimension. Since there are already enough evil acolytes walking the Earth - they're called priests - Constantine routes these aliens with extreme prejudice, utilizing rules and laws that have no basis in any mythology.
That's the problem with movies of this ilk. No rules. The definition of "inconstant" is "likely to change frequently without apparent or cogent reason." Visually elegant, yet irrelevant.
But then, how can it be expected to adhere to rules when its source material is more contradictory and confused than a whore crying rape - the Bible? Simultaneously exhorting us to love our enemies, then enjoining Joshua "to destroy all that breathes as the Lord God of Israel commanded" (Joshua 10:40).
Bring the kids.
The writers of the comic book that CONSTANTINE is based on, Hellblazer (Jamie Delano and Garth Ennis), cannot be wholly blamed for CONSTANTINE's befuddlement, as screenwriters Kevin Brodbin and Frank A. Cappello consolidated this tale from many Hellblazer episodes.
The first demon we encounter enables a young girl to walk up walls. In the next scene, she is tied to a bed, where Constantine exorcises the demon into a mirror and smashes it, thereby killing the demon. If you're going to possess someone, why possess an underprivileged village girl? Why not a person whom the authorities would find financially impossible or ethically uncomfortable to restrain - like Donald Trump or Tom Hanks? (Some might say Trump is already in league with demons, while others might say Hanks is as well, after seeing THE TERMINAL.) And maybe my mythology is rusty, but I believe the clause that covers disposal of demons via mirrors is right next to the one about "Let he who is without an expressionless movie hero cast the first stoner.
CONSTANTINE's brouhaha revolves around the Spear of Destiny - a totally fictitious ornament (mentioned in passing only by John 19:34), which somehow gained credence in catholic vernacular as the "spear that killed Christ." And whomsoever "holds the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands." Reportedly in Hitler's possession at one time, I suppose that accounts for his domination of Western Europe. So what happened in May 1945? He woke up one day and misplaced it?
This Spear is instrumental in birthing the son of the devil - in some contrived plot also found nowhere in any Christian mythologies or apocrypha - where a transgendered angel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) betrays god to help the devil's son for a motivation unknown to anyone but the confused screenwriters.
Constantine uncovers this plot by sitting in a chair of special effects straight out of the bible. (Remember that psychic chair that Jesus sat in that one time?) This chair is apparently so dangerous that its owner, Midnite (Djimon Hounsou, dutifully cast as the African witch-doctor stereotype) constantly disallows its use by Constantine. When Constantine eventually uses it and his life is threatened, to escape, he need only call out to Midnite, who wrenches him bodily from the chair. Uh, guess it wasn't that dangerous after all.
Enter Rachel Weisz, as cop Angela Dodson. Her twin sister, Isabel, just committed suicide and is walking through hell in her nightie. As a cop - a person trained to only accept evidence - Angela approaches Constantine with unquestioning, juvenile belief in his "gift" of dimensional travel, beseeching him to find her sister and bring a wrap.
Constantine promptly breaches hell by putting his feet in water and staring at a cat. Whilst in hell - which looks like a cross between a Heironymous Bosch painting and Downtown Los Angeles at 2:30 a.m. - Isabel runs from Constantine and some half-headed monsters, who all cluster together like N'Sync for a dynamic photo op.
Constantine brings back Isabel's hospital tag as "evidence." Rachel asks, "How could this be?" Well, there's this thing called a POCKET which could very easily have hidden that tag until Constantine needed to whip it out and impress your small mind.
What would any dumb American film be without the British Bad Guy? Gavin Rossdale (from Bush - the band, not the criminal public official) plays Balthazar, a smarmy Bond Villain type who meanders about for no reason, who can't be killed by heavy artillery, but cowers under the mighty incantations of Keanu's stoner spells.
A thousand transgressions of non-rules later, we arrive at the movie's conclusion, laden with effects in lieu of excitement, logic and interest. Constantine meets with Satan (Peter Stormare, clad in angelic white, chewing more scenery than Heston on Sinai) and narcs on Gabriel in the next room, who is using the Spear to bring forth Satan's son. Exactly like in the Bible.
Let me get this straight: Satan, omniscient bringer of darkness, doesn't know what is going on in the next room? Directed by Music Video Director to the Sluts, Francis Lawrence (Britney, Janet, J-Lo), the roaring beauty of this movie is tempered by its dangerous stupidities. If audiences could appreciate it as simply an imaginative story, the human race might just survive. Unfortunately, ninety percent of audiences will take it as fact, to be added to their human-penned gospels and already insane mythologies of Christ and hobbits and Islam and space aliens. And as these gullible dupes become the decision-makers in society, billions more murders will be perpetrated for this "sacred truth" in a never-ending spiral of ignorance.
Bring the kids.