Keanustantine's Excellent Adventure

Rating: 5/10 (29 December 2005)

How do you take an amazingly simple concept like HELLBLAZER and turn it into a ridiculously mundane and uninspired movie? Just cast Keanu Reeves. Evidently, Warner Brothers thought that the success of the MATRIX was due to Keanu's acting. They failed to realize that most of the credit should be going to the Wachowski brothers for having the keen insight to cast Keanu as an emotionally vacant Kung Fu master. Keanu is really good at looking emotionally vacant. But when it comes to a character like John Constantine, it would have been nice to cast someone who can actually act.
For anyone that doesn't know it, this movie is based on a long-running comic book series by DC that revolves around John Constantine. Constantine is basically a modern-day incarnation of an old Raymond Chandler gumshoe that chases down demons instead of criminals. It's a great concept, which is why the comic book has a huge cult following. In the comic, John Constantine is a tortured, craggy, rugged man with white/blonde hair. The way that he's drawn usually makes me think of Rutger Hauer and Roy Batty.
This thing was doomed the moment they cast Keanu Reeves. It's not just the fact that Keanu's hair is black. I'm not that much of a purist. I didn't have a hissy fit when they cast Tom Cruise as Lestat. A little peroxide will do wonders for the hair color, but what Tom had going for him was the fact that he can act. Keanu, unfortunately, cannot. He's like the male version of Tara Reid. Keanu should really just resign himself to being a bimbo. He should just stand around and look pretty, that's about all he's good for. His acting is always flat and boring. The only movie where I remember actually liking his performance was Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. And that was probably because he was just playing himself... a stoner. And it was also probably because I was also like 6 years old when I saw it.
The movie itself has some good moments, and the storyline is vaguely interesting, but I really just couldn't buy Keanu as a tough guy. It's impossible for me to say whether this movie could have been better if they'd cast someone else as Constantine, because Keanu is on screen for most of the movie. His stoner voice is so distinct, it's really difficult to ignore. The storyline had potential, and the guy that played Papa Midnight was perfect, but every time that Keanu was on screen the movie just lost all of its momentum. So, whoever decided to cast Keanu as Constantine should be fired. He or she is single-handedly responsible for destroying what could have been a huge franchise for Warner Brothers.