Constipate

Rating: 1/10 (12 August 2005)

This is not only the worst movie of 2005, but it may be the worst movie in all of Celluloid Creation. From top to bottom the acting is atrocious. Keanu Reeves plays the title character (enough said. His acting skills - or lack thereof - are world renowned),and Peter Stormare (the Devil) can't decide if he wants to portray the prince of darkness as Hannibal Lecter or the old Don from Prizzi's Honor. All the actors seem so bored with the idiocy of the dialogue that they often leave their lines unfinished, as if they're too embarrassed to utter such banality. And they should be embarrassed. This movie makes absolutely no sense. From the beginning where a couple of Mexicans are playing some third world version of jacks and accidentally (and oh so conveniently) stumble upon a holy artifact missing since world war 2, to an ending that is as predictable as the weather in Hell, this movie is riddled with mistakes, subpar special effects, and a script as horrendous as Gabriel's wardrobe. Be warned. Be afraid. Be on another planet if Hollywood decides to puke out a sequel. I'll join you there.