A total disaster

Rating: 1/10 (22 July 2005)

It's with a certain glee that I am submitting my opinion on this "movie". Once in a while comes a movie that is so atrociously bad that it becomes fun to hate. CONSTANTINE is one of these movies. It's easily (too easily) the worst movie of 2005, but it's also a strong contender for the worst movie of the last 5 years. Before you dismiss me as a Keanu Reeves hater, know that I love (and own on DVD) the full Matrix trilogy (yes, even Revolutions) and My Own Private Idaho, definitely his best role to date. I'm also a big horror movie fan. So all in all I was really excited when I went to see that film. The trailer was awesome, I couldn't wait! The film starts well, I mean the first 5 to 10 minutes. It's all downhill from there, culminating in the most unexciting climax of all time, with Peter Stormare as the most ridiculous and non-threatening Satan ever. Keanu Reeves kind of proves his naysayers right by offering one of his most awful and wooden performances ever, on a par with his "work" in Brad Stoker's Dracula, but worse, as in that movie he didn't have such a long time on screen. Here, he's there constantly, non-playing. Ewww. Rachel Weisz is good (as always), but not enough to save the film. I lost any interest whatsoever after half an hour, and the only reason I didn't leave the theater was that I didn't want to be rude to my mate, who I had dragged to see this. I thought maybe he was enjoying it. However, when the stupid and absolutely unexciting climax happened, I turned to him and asked "Are you enjoying this?" He replied "Are you kidding??" "Should we leave then?" did I ask... "It's almost over, we might as well stay". Well we shouldn't have. The ending was as bad as the rest of the movie. Oh, for those of you who think "it might not be fantastic, but I'll watch it for the special effects"... a word of warning: the CGI looks like a cheap video game, absolutely not realistic. Rent it if you must, but don't make a blind buy, you will regret it bitterly!