No Lutheran Vampires, darn it!

Rating: 9/10 (16 March 2005)

Watch enough horror movies and you can be forgiven for thinking that the Reformation never happened. Just once I'd like to see a Methodist demon though I'd settle for a Lutheran vampire or two. Unfortunately - or fortunately depending on your point of view - the new supernatural action film Constantine does nothing to further the protestant cause. It is firmly rooted in the gaudiest Catholic mythology with more Latin, holy water and crucifixes than in all the churches of Rome. None of it is taken seriously mind you. Thousands of years of tradition and belief are gleefully misused, misquoted and misconstrued in the service of a senselessly gory and violent movie. That it's a well made and entertaining slice of hokum probably won't cut much slack for Constantine's creators in the hereafter.
It seems that God and the Devil made a bet a millennia ago as to who could win the most souls to their cause. Points are taken off for direct supernatural meddling. All the rules allow is a spiritual nudge or an earthly temptation here and there, but someone is not playing by the rules! Demons are finding their way to earth and an ancient, incredibly holey artifact is about to fall into the very worst of hands. It's up to John Constantine, PI and freelance exorcist, to expose the demonic conspiracy. Unfortunately he has terminal lung cancer and is facing damnation due to a botched suicide attempt. It would be a short movie if it weren't for the pretty cop who seeks Constantine's help in solving the mystery of her sister's suicide. Further stirring the pot are various holy and unholy notables who make their agenda and themselves known as the plot progresses.
Constantine cries out for a tough guy lead. Like Bruce Willis say, or Samuel L. Jackson. Instead we have Keanu Reeves. In truth Reeves is not all that bad. He plays John Constantine strait, drawing humor and pathos from the character's jaundiced world view and hopeless position. Unfortunately Reeves lacks the charisma and physical presence a rough, world weary demon hunting PI might be expected to have. On the other hand Rachel Weisz is great as the conflicted cop. Emotional without being overly weepy and believably tough she seems entirely capable of handling her supernatural problems without Constantine's help. It's too bad her character devolves into a standard woman in distress. Pruitt Taylor Vince makes so much of his part as a slovenly priest we become more intrigued by him than we are with the main plot line. Tilda Swinton is righteous and more than a bit creepy as the angel Gabriel. Finally there is Peter Stormare as Satan. Funny, frightening, and truly alien, his is one of the best devils ever put on film.
Despite unholy cadres, heavenly hosts, visions of hell and all matter of supernatural jumbo jumbo Constantine feels more like a film noir than a supernatural melodrama. To John Constantine Satan is just another corrupt Mr. Big trying to muscle into town and God and His angels are an unreliable and suspect city hall. As the movie takes its tone from its hero's attitude it is more suspenseful than horrific. Constantine's pleasures derive from the way its detective movie roots collide with the supernatural overlay. The movie does a fine job treading this line without falling too far into parody. Park your brain at the door and enjoy.