Satire?

Rating: 1/10 (24 April 2005)

The most mind-numbingly dull, simplistic (masked as complex) take on the "modern supernatural" since Underworld or Van Helsing.
Keeping in tune with the blockbuster special-effects-versus-plot! trend, this film blatantly glosses over any and every theoretical and philosophical element for the sake of corny "satire?" - Keanu Reeves just happens to have access to a divine arsenal (conveniently provided by a marginal DULL character - a movie about that guy would have been far more interesting), and how about that nightclub where you have to read cards clairvoyantly for admittance? Is that supposed to be funny, or satirical, or like a snobby country club?
I don't even want to get started on Gabriel. Yes, angels are allegedly androgynous, but a crossdressing woman? Does anyone idealize heaven that way? I'd settle for togas rather than neckties (frivolous touch).
Keanu Reeves is pathetic and ironically soulless, indifferent . However, you're supposed to see him as an unlikely jaded victim who becomes a hero. PROBLEM: he has absolutely no personality, no presence whatsoever. He's entirely incidental. We're supposed to "like"/PITY him because he has cancer. Other than that -and his whiny sufferings about being in communication with divine forces (poor guy!), he's got no real personality WHATSOEVER! One of the worst-drawn movie characters in recent history.
And it's a long movie. There was time for development, but someone decided that audiences needed more stupid vagaries of people instantly visiting special-effects hell JUST BY TAKING A BATH! (FYI: I've bathed since infancy and never been transported to another realm; this doesn't work).