I've Got a Whole Theme Park full of Red Delights for You

Rating: 3/10 (30 October 2005)

Constantine is yet another movie based on a comic book that even most comic book nerd hadn't heard of. So they take the story of John Constantine on the pursuit of riding the world of demons because of something long ago that bars him from the gates of heaven. It's extra important to get in now because a large chunk of the residents of hell were put their by him.
In the role of the title character is Keanu Reeves who will forever conjure up the thoughts of Theodore Logan no matter how serious the role. Needless to say, the slacker surfer persona doesn't mesh well with the demon hunter. On his quest in the movie, Constantine crosses path with the chick from The Mummy movies as a detective trying to prove that her twin didn't commit suicide. And because ever good comic book character need a sidekick and Constantine has a cab driving apprentice played by the dude from one of the Disney Channel shows that I won't admit to watching.
One of the few entertaining elements of the movie is the unintentional comedy most notable being every moment where Reeves tries to act, and be sure to watch out for Constantine's rubber ducky. Equally questionable casting choice was the dude from Bush showing up as the bad guy. It was extremely hard to be scared of him because whenever he comes on the screen I fell off the couch laughing.
The only redeemable aspect of the movie was the scenes of hell. They really captured what I assume hell to be, a very hot version of Earth with weird demon ready to rip the flesh. The only part missing from my version of hell would be the members of the Backstreet Boys raping me for eternity while singing their songs. In fact all the special effects were all well done. Now if they can figure out to make a CGI Keanu Reeves and the movie might have been a lot better.
The biggest crime of the movie is that they cut out what could have made the movie. If you role through threw the delete scenes you find out about Constantine's tryst with a very hot (bad pun intended) half-demon who was cut out of various scenes in the movie. If I were to ever make rules of making a good move, number one would be "Never leave out the token hot chick." Because of that, this movie deserves to fail.