Totally stupid and over-the-top, but so unbelievably AWESOME that nobody should care

Rating: Null/10 (16 March 2009)

The attempts at drama and characterization in "Con Air" are exceptionally hollow and simplistic. There is not a hint of logic through the entire screenplay. The cast is made up of big names who barely bother with the acting side of things at all, and Nick Cage's southern drawl and put-on everyman badassery doesn't exactly qualify as a good performance. There are also several shots which are downright bad, scenes just run into each other with no fluidity (even the score changes from sugary sweet sentimentality to menacing hard rock far too abruptly), and the movie just generally has the intelligence of a peanut.
But of course as you've probably guessed by now I F-CKING LOVED "Con Air" simply because it is F-CKING AWESOME. Sh-t gets BLOWED UP REAL GOOD. Nick Cage says stuff like "What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save the *beep* day!", which is just REALLY F-CKING AWESOME. John Malkovich chews scenery like the best damned steak he's ever had in his life, and says sh-t like "onara!" after a guy started saying his name, begging him not to burn him alive. The guy says "Cy..." and Malkovich says "onara!" GET IT?! He even says this to a rapist: "You keep that in mind when you look at her. Because if your dick jumps out of your pants, you jump off this plane." HOW F-CKING AWESOME IS THAT? COULD THIS *beep* GET ANY BETTER? Believe it or not, the sh-t does in fact get even better.
How does it manage to get better? THEY F-CKING CRASH-LAND IN F-CKING VEGAS, MAN! Sh-t gets BLOWED UP REAL F-CKING GOOD, and stuff is destroyed and oh man they even tack on a totally extraneous action scene near the end! You get a shot of John Cusack and Nick Cage getting on two motorcycles and looking deliberately badass! HOW F-CKING AWESOME IS THAT?
If you don't cry tears of joy during the insanely protracted and eye-roll-worthy finale with Nick Cage reuniting finally with his daughter, you have no appreciation for AWESOMENESS. Because while "Con Air" is exceptionally dumb and lacking in logic, it also has an extremely high amount of AWESOME. I know for sure now that AWESOME is an ingredient which can cancel out every single bit of intelligence in my brain and turn me into a caveman just like Nick Cage in this movie. The movie has the line: "This is a situation that needs to get unf-cked, right now!" for Christ's sake! THAT TRANSCENDS ANY AWESOMENESS EVER PREVIOUSLY KNOWN TO MAN.
TOTALLY. F-CKING. AWESOME.
BEST. MOVIE. EVAR.