Nicole is a very rude person

Rating: Null/10 (13 April 2004)

`Ooh. Nicole Kidman's really nice. Ooh. She's such a nice person.' That's what I hear people say about Nicole Kidman, well have I got news for you? Nicole Kidman is rude and stupid! There how do you like that? How do I know she's like this? Well I've written her 5 (THAT'S RIGHT! FIVE!) letters asking her to go out with me and got NO response. Here's my 5th and final letter to Hollywood's rudest actress:

Dear Nicole Kidman,
I guess you didn't get my last 4 letters inviting you over for tea at my mum's house so if you get this one I'd probably complain to your postman. At the moment I'm only asking you over for tea as I have to adhere to a strict police curfew, it's not as if I'm asking you to marry me though. Not yet anyway.
You'll be pleased to hear that I don't look like your ex husband Tom Cruise and am above average height. My friend Dave said that Tom looked like me in this film called Vanilla Sky' but don't worry, it was because he'd been hideously mangled in a car crash! I'm above average height in Japan and parts of China, not that I'd go to China, as I hate the place. But not as much as I hate Australia though, with all those horrible Australians and their stupid don't feed koalas drugs' laws. Gah!
I really like Americans though, like you and Naomi Watts. If you could arrange it I would consider sleeping with both of you at the same time, but let's just wait until after our first date okay? Obviously don't mention any of that in front of my mum.
Anyway, I just wanted to finish by saying that I've loved you with all my heart ever since I saw you in the film Days of Thunder' last week. My heart yearns to be with you as every fibre of my being cries in sorrow that we are not together.
I've also sent a similar letter to Famke Janssen, but I'll be giving you first refusal so make sure that you respond quickly so I can let her down gently.
All my boundless love

Neon

Do I get a response? Of course not! But I'm not that bothered as I've gone off her recently. As for Cold Mountain', well it's okay.