I would rather eat my own children

Rating: 1/10 (27 March 2006)

OK, OK, OK OK OK. OK DAMMIT! Where do i start. OK. Lets start at the movies poster. What do we have here?? Oh i see! My three most loathed people in Hollywood. First we see Jude "Sleazy, Smarmy and in Wilde the worst movie ever" Law. Then we have Renee "Annoying, Squinty, Boring" Zellweger. And then. And then we have.............And then we have someone that i detest and i am ashamed to have her represent my country. We have..
Nicole.
Ah Nic, you are the evil ice queen that hides in the hideous glow of the moonlight as i try to sleep. I hear you call your name. NIICole. *shudder* this movie lacked any hint of goodness. and any hint of goodness it did have was leeched of the screen by Ada and Inmans romance. they didn't even know each other and he was like "im dirty" and she was like "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME LEMONADE????" if she approached me late at night in the rain with iced beverages i would have shot myself and then shot her.
The whole movie was completely pointless (by the way one explosion and frilly garments does not, i repeat DOES NOT) make an epic period drama. It does make, however, a handy piece of equipment if you want to voluntarily throw up, or the DVD could be used as a coaster. or a Frisbee. or whatever you want, the possibilities are endless.
I practically laughed when Ada was sad. and then she was finally happy and then HE DIED! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA! the fools! thats what you get for making a movie that would make Satan proud.
Oh yeah! the film wasn't all evil though, i did thoroughly enjoy the scene in which Nicole was mauled by a savage chicken. That chicken seriously had the right idea. I desperately hoped it was a bear that was attacking her. the ratings would soar. THEN SHE HIT HER HEAD baaahhahahhahahhahaha! finis.