If you took cyanide during "The English Patient" bring a gun...

Rating: Null/10 (3 January 2004)

With no apologies to my more artsy brethern, I deeply regret the loss of almost three hours of my life. My wife deceived me. She claimed "Cold Mountain" as one of the best books she's ever read. It didn't sound good to me, but she did say that it was about the Civil War, an interest to me. So, there I sat. And sat. And sat. My bride of almost 30 years knowingly neglected to tell me that this was by the same guy that brought us The English Patient!!! (Remember the Seinfeld episode? Elaine and I were meant for each other) I asked her how she could have done this to me. She knows that I don't want my heart warmed or broken, nor my tears jerked. This rambling and seemingly endless and pointless film, was just awful. The only saving factor was, as I contemplated methods of suicide, Renee Z. had a scene, which she abruptly and shamelessly stole. Jude and Nicole were likeable, but boring. Guys, let your ladies see this one while you sneak next door at the Cineplex and see Stuck on You, or Captains and Commanders...trust me, your mental health is worth it.