Stinks on toast!

Rating: 2/10 (19 June 2008)

Yes, I was unimpressed by Blair Witch and I am equally unimpressed by Blair Witch 3: Cloverfield. The characters are shallow and frankly I hoped the monster would hurry up and kill them off so the camera could be picked up by someone INTERESTING who might actually know how to hold a camera, take a decent shot of the monster and most of all shut the hell up. Those army guys all seemed to have good quality helmet cams, why did we have to see the event through the eyes of these cretins? This might have made a good 15 minute web-film but it drags on and on as an almost normal length film. The rats in the subway tunnel had the right idea, run away (from this movie). Borrowing the worst from Blair Witch the film tries to make up for it for ripping off Godzilla and Alien while constantly recapping what we've just seen 5 seconds ago for posterity and asking questions to which the answer is blatantly obvious. Would have killed them to actually turn the camera towards the monster? Scenes where the monster could be seen if the camera was pointing at it, instead follow the lame character's we've been forced to watch the whole time, for someone claiming he wants to document the event, Hud seems to be allergic to actually doing so, we tend to get 1-2 seconds of monster followed by 30 seconds of whining reaction shots from the characters. The effects range from very nice to absolutely pathetic, the angled shots were worse than old batman episodes, if your actors are supposed to be walking at a harsh angle using walls for support, make sure the clothes and hair on them doesn't reveal that they are on a flat set with a tilted camera. My idea of a good exciting monster movie is not following a set of random victims who wouldn't have even rated names in the credits of a real film but one have been "Yuppie victim #1" etc. The good news is that the boys at Rifftrax did an alternate audio track you can download and run with the film to make it watchable. Hooray for MST3k!