holy hell i didn't think it was possible

Rating: 1/10 (21 January 2008)

a movie as bad as AVP:r and I didn't even have to wait a month.
I promised I wouldn't see it. Then a friend came into to town and talked me into it. Blair Witch with a budget. Just what I thought it would be.
Much like AVP:r Cloverfield lacks just about everything, such as: a plot, decent writing, believable sympathetic characters, continuity and direction. You suck JJ and if you ruin Star Trek, which based on your casting choices I think is likely, I'm going to be extremely peeved.
Not once did this movie honestly build tension. All tension is created by way of gimmick, ie a quick flash of the camera to an incident. Why is this movie so bad? Because like Blair Witch, which I hated and thought was over-hyped unentertaining trash, the use of the shaky cam is a cheap way to try and build tension the script lacks. Ooooh things are bouncy, they must be running, crash, oohh someone fell--oops. But whereas the BWP was tolerable visually Cloverfield is not. The theater was full when the movie started...not so full when the crap finally mercifully ended. Memo to JJ..shaky cam OK, but you can't focus on strobing lights---are you trying to kill people via seizures? Between the bright lights and nonstop jitter it is hard for someone who doesn't have motion sickness or epilepsy to watch this movie. I'm just glad the people who got sick were able to get up and leave and didn't try and force themselves to stay and suffer worse health problems.
Finally, how do these movies get funded? "I have no script. I don't want name actors. It's going to be shot POV handcam. Monster. Statue of Liberty's head will roll. You in?" "Why sure that sounds wonderful? But how you going to market it?" "Well, glad you asked. We film the trailer first. We leak it on the web. Viral marketing. People will see the trailer. 1-18-08. People will try and solve the riddle of Slusho. 1-18-08. That is all." All aspiring directors, hire a good web based marketing firm then you can produce a five dollar movie and make a fortune. I'm sure the CG, which was clipped and well awful in Cloverfield, was costly but other than that this movie was done on the cheap. The bare bones cheap. The honest to god must've paid cast and crew with beer cheap.
Now a new age old conundrum is born. Which is worse, AVP:r or Cloverfield? Well only about a dozen people shared the theater with me on DEC 26 for AVP:r and none ran out to puke--then again at least a few people leaving Cloverfield were smiling. I don't know.