Oh no's, its Another One!

Rating: 1/10 (4 April 2008)

I think it is rather funny how everybody I talk to about this movie says it is great, but when asked why...they have NO answer! The best I've gotten so far was a "Well...the monster was awesome!" SO WHAT?! Am I the only sane person alive on this entire rock? Originality: So...what was the deal with the camera? Was that suppose to be original? Im sure other people have already brought this to your attention, but it still seems like they are being ignored. THATS NOT CUTE! The director had to be tripping when he came up with that idea...
Special Effects: decent, though I only got a 2-3 second glimpse of any given rendered scene...
Plot: Whatever plot you may think there is does not exist. Starts off, yay fun party! Blah blah blah, lets make the stereotypical comic relief who happens to be missing half his brain and is incapable of forming complex sentences carry the camera! Oh no, monster! Careful, the obviously mindless monster decided it would be in his best interest to symbolically rip just the head off of the Statue of Liberty and toss it conveniently at our cameraman! Must...rescue......hot babe...(though that outfit is far from attractive...). Lets get everybody killed trying to rescue the already half-dead girl! Oh, while we are doing that...lets make some meaningless, idiotic and heavily lacking sarcastic remarks so the audience can have something else to make fun of us for! Oh no's! The bridge is falling, lets record a little more of my death! Weee! Wait a tick, getting bit by the mini-monsters causes your head to explode?! "Aww man, why did I waist all that time trying to hook up with her? Oh yeah, Im an idiot!" -- Ooo, Im impressed. This girl we found in the toppled over building who happens to have a steel rod through her chest mere inches away from her heart has survived like this for the past...wait, how long did it take for them to get to her? I couldn't tell...OK, we get to the helicopter which seems to have been waiting just for us...don't bother trying to save the brave soldiers risking their life for the last three people left in Manhattan...OK, let the one actor we did pay enough to stay without forcing us to edit them out with a cheezy death escape on the one safe helicopter while we take the obviously doomed second one! On no's! We is going downs! Hey, did you notice that it was night when they left and it was morning when they finally emerged from the obviously fatal helicopter crash? Did it seriously take them 2 hours to get out of the wreckage?! Oh, my favorite part: the monster, which has been wandering around the city 90% of the entire night getting fired on by the better part of the National Guard, which includes every modern and advanced weapon known to man, decides to leave the city EXACTLY when our nomads emerge from the crash and had enough time to pause while running from the Army to give our idiot cameraman a good stare down before feasting on his legs (NOT his head or torso, mind you...gotta save those for later...) and then, for no apparent reason, walks away so that the camera can be picked up by the same guy that thought the camera was a stupid idea to begin with...Brilliant! There is no way I could have come up with that climax! "Since the only entertaining part of the movie we have been making for an hour is done with, lets just finish up with a meaningless ending monologue by our only two characters remaining alive and then kill them. Even better, lets not give them a respectable Death by Monster, oh no. Lets have them explode twice from a human attack that was obviously aimed for the bridge they had taken shelter under... THE END! Lets go have a drink..." PS: If it feels like Im jumping around randomly in the story, it isn't a mistake or lack of time/effort. The movie REALLY is like that...
PPS: Honestly, where did they come up with the name "Cloverfield"?!