Cloverfield: A thinly veiled soap opera disguised as a "monster movie"

Rating: 2/10 (18 January 2008)

Let me get right to the point. This film sucks major AS$!! One hour & 25 minutes of run time & MAYBE 1 minute total of actual footage of the monster. Plain & simple, Cloverfield is nothing more than a soap opera that incidentally has some ambiguous giant monster with a few cheap scares thrown in. And to make matters even worse, the film is done entirely with a hand held digital camera & the inept individual holding it either has had too much caffeine or it's his first time using the damn thing. Because it's all over the place. My seven year old could've done better camera work-WORD!! We actually get more footage of the ground than we do of giant monster mayhem-no lie. And the first 20 minutes of Cloverfield will bore you to tears with vacuous frat party chattering that amounts to nothing more than filler. No explanation of where the beast came from, how it got here, why it is attacking New York... in fact no real ending to the film. Even the critter's progeny aren't given enough air time & they resemble 2nd rate leftovers from "Starship Troopers" One other note to pass along; most folks when they are being attacked & gnawed on by let's say a pit bull are not worried about their damn camera. They're interested in just one thing-RUNNING! But not in Cloverfield! Also, most folks I know do NOT want a camera stuck in their face non-stop when they are having a personal crisis/tragedy (but gee they're just so darn tolerant in Cloverfield). So the argument some may use of "realism" to defend this rancid turd of a film is laughable. The producers of Cloverfield obviously must have seen the success of "The Blair Witch Project" and thought to themselves; "WOW! Hey let's cash in! Except we'll have a giant ambiguous monster instead of a witch legend." Problem with that is, once word gets out on how rotten this film truly is, they won't even come close to the box office take of TBWP. Warning: If you're prone to motion sickness DO NOT see this film because you WILL be queasy before the credits roll.
Bloodstone's recommendation: Save your money & go rent Peter Jackson's King Kong or a cheesy Godzilla film. Both would be vastly more entertaining & you won't even need to take a Dramamine before hand.
BloodStone's Rating: 2 out of 10