Not What I Expected

Rating: 4/10 (29 January 2008)

This show is a combination of Alien, Godzilla, The Blair Witch Project, and Beverly Hills 90210. It wasn't what I was expecting (which was a good monster movie).
1) The first 20-30 minutes which, theoretically, was setting up all the character interrelationships was BORING! It was worse than watching a soap opera. (Note to J.J. Abrams: twenty-somethings who pout in their bedrooms because their childhood sweetheart is dating another guy DON'T become corporate vice-presidents. Sheesh!) My wife and I were literally leaning forward to stand up and walk out when the first bang happened (we're still not sure if staying was the better choice). Most of the info delivered in this prelude went unused in the movie, so it could have been shortened to five minutes without losing a thing.
2) The FAQ is dead wrong about Beth's wounds. She had a piece of rebar through her shoulder, for crying out loud. All the adrenaline in the world wouldn't have stopped her from bleeding out in about twenty minutes after they lifted her off it. If, by some divine miracle, she didn't bleed out, her left arm would have been utterly useless, and rapidly and overwhelmingly painful. The movie portrays Beth as fundamentally uninjured by the end of the movie. Dumb.
3) People talented enough to become corporate vice presidents rarely associate with people as brain-dead stupid as Hud. I'm surprised they didn't show his urine-soaked pants after he died.
I'd go on, but it's not worth it. "I Am Legend" was much, much, much better. Better suspense. Better storyline. Better acting. Better movie. And that's despite knowing the storyline from watching "The Omega Man" years ago. When you remove the effect of motion sickness caused by the bouncing camera or the rising pulse of the beeping emergency strobes in the buildings (did you think we wouldn't notice, J.J.?), there isn't much to be scared about in "Cloverfield." By the way, other than being the secret document name of the government file we are purportedly watching, the word "cloverfield" has absolutely NOTHING to do with the movie.
Dumb. I'm glad I only paid matinée pricing to see this movie.