So very stupid

Rating: 4/10 (8 April 2011)

Cloverfield is what The Blair Witch Project would have been had Blair Witch been set in Manhattan and also been completely terrible. This movie is brain-dead, an insult to the viewer's intelligence. Perhaps you are willing to accept the basic premise of a giant, indestructible monster rampaging through Manhattan. OK, fine. But that doesn't excuse everything else in the movie which, by and large, is complete and utter nonsense. Things happen which simply cannot happen. Characters do and say things they absolutely could not or would not do. It's a giant mess of implausibility, absurdity and stupidity. And inanity. Let's not forget the inanity. As well as insulting your intelligence it may well also assault your sense of common decency. Manhattan skyscrapers crumble, people flee in terror from the ensuing debris clouds...gee, now where have I seen that before? In fact, the filmmakers actually brag about having studied 9/11 footage to make sure they got the look just right. Some people really have no shame. And why does it always have to be New York City anyway? You'd think just once one of these giant movie monsters would wash ashore in Boston or Miami or some random small town in Delaware. But then of course we'd be deprived of the sight of the Statue of Liberty's head lying on the ground. Because that's real original.
Absolutely the only positive thing you can say about this movie is that the visual effects are for the most part very well done. The story is stupid. The scary moments are a lot less scary than the filmmakers would have hoped. The main characters are so boring, annoying or moronic (or all three) that you may well be rooting for the monster to chomp them in half. A special mention for the character of Hud, who also serves as the shaky-cam operator documenting events. Stuck as he is behind the camera for most of the movie you hardly ever see him. And yet he still manages to be one of the most annoying characters in movie history. The guy just will not shut up. And he apparently has an IQ of approximately 12. On and on this blabbermouth goes with absolutely nothing useful to say. Certainly nothing funny to say even though the character is apparently meant to serve as comic relief. Just another way in which Cloverfield fails miserably. T.J. Miller is the actor playing Hud and I will be doing my best to avoid anything he appears in going forward. He's beyond terrible, the rest of the cast isn't much better. Probably the only one to come away with any credit at all is Lizzy Caplan who you get the sense is wondering what the heck she is doing here. Her performance gives off the "I know this is a terrible movie, I'm sorry" vibe. In fact Caplan has since stated that she signed on for the movie not knowing anything about it and in the future she would not do a film without knowing full well what it is. Smart girl. If you decide to watch this movie knowing full well what it is that's your problem. Personally I'm ashamed that I wasted 90 minutes of my life on this garbage.