Worst Movie of the Decade

Rating: 1/10 (20 October 2009)

Hey, I got an idea for a movie!!!
1) Let's remake Godzilla! Even though monsters invading a city used to be popular like 40-50 years ago, it's a new generation!
2) The monster in "Alien" was so cool and original, let's just copy that! We'll change it a little so we don't get labeled as ripping off that movie's creature.
3) Okay, well maybe the monster and it's spawn will have the same vocal sounds as the Aliens from "Alien," but it's a new generation, the teenagers won't notice!
4) Realism? What's realism? Even though the monster gets bazooka'd, and missile'd, and bombed, it won't die. Hey, if it's dies, there's no more story. Even though the monster isn't a titanium-skinned machine, it will be durable like one and nothing can hurt it. Not even direct hits by 500 pound bombs.
5) To keep the suspense up, it will seem to follow our heroes around. Or at least it's spawn will. Spawn that can be defeated by hitting them with pipes. Or one direct hit with an ax. Hey, they're small, so an ax will kill one. Once grown, direct hits with 500 pound bombs can't even break the skin. Realism? What's realism?
6) Hey, I got an idea! Let's have lots of encounters by our heroes with the monster and its spawn. Huh? Oh, okay, already said that in my idea above.
7) Let's put our heroes in serious jeopardy: One will get bitten badly, and bleed a lot, but she'll have the presence of mind to ask her uninjured friend how she feels, having lost her boyfriend on the bridge to the monster a while back.
Hmmm. That scene doesn't work? Not real, huh? Okay, let's cut it, we'll put it on the deleted scenes in the bonus material.
At least we'll have Beth impaled by a steel building rod, that goes through her chest impaling her to the floor of her apartment. Very cool! Then we have her friends rescue her and un-impale her. Woohoo! Now she can join them. What? No, she won't bleed to death. Yeah, the steel rod may be 1/2" thick, but if she bleeds to death, we can't kill her at the end. Right, no, she'll be able to run and physically keep up with the rest of her friends, as though nothing happened. It'll work, I promise!
8) Hey, wouldn't it be cool to destroy Manhattan? Yeah! Okay, we'll have the monster do a lot of it, then we'll have missiles and bombs do more. I can't wait to see the CGI on this!!
9) Oh, I got a another cool idea. Let's have most of our heroes die by the end. That's cutting edge, I tell ya. Very now and hip!
10) What problems? I created "Alias," a smart show that didn't last, so then I created "Lost," a primetime soap opera with suspense and a monster, and people ate it up!!! People looove crap programming, so this monster movie of mine will be a hit!! I'm tellin' ya!
11) Oh, I know what we'll do! To make sure this will sell, we'll shoot this "Blair Witch" style! Heroes shoot all their own footage and die at end, then camera & footage is found, and it'll be like we're watching history. Yeah!
12) Oh, I got one more idea! We'll keep this all very secret, the whole story and shooting of this movie, and this will heighten suspense and anticipation from the public. There will be mystery surrounding this movie. Just like "Blair Witch"! Hey, it worked for them, we can make it work here!
13) What? Is there anything original about or in our movie? No, but so what!? This is popcorn, baby!
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This is the worst movie I've seen in 10 years. Awful dialogue, no story, just a monster, and entirely derivative. Brilliant. Movie is so bad, it only runs 1 hour, 10 minutes. But 70 minute movies can be a problem for sales, so... "we'll hedge our bets and waste 3 minutes with the lamest opening sequence ever, and make the end credits 11 minutes long, for an 84 minute movie."