Wow. That one sucked.

Rating: 3/10 (21 January 2008)

Yeah it has been awhile since we've had a good monster movie. Going into this one, I wanted to be free of spoilers, early reviews, or theories on the marketing campaign. So I went in with some general interest and hope. I'm even a bona-fide JJ Abrahms fan, I love LOST, nonsense conspiracies and all. Well, with this in mind, I saw Cloverfield. And I'm quite certain, the movie was absolute trash. Here's why.
Did I get scared? Nope. Not once. Not from the slim glimpses of the monster. Not from the little Starship Troopers creatures. Not from any of the sounds.
Did I laugh? YES. There are some good one liners from our humble camera man.
The shocks were few and weak. The part when the girl who was bit eventually spattered was good, but muted and did little to liven any tension. I just never felt any excitement or adrenaline.
Was the movie well made? No. The monster was generic looking and I think the word Generic fits most of the descriptions of the film itself. Its all just "meh." Nothing more.
The story was lame. Basically from what I remember, they cooked up some saved by the bell love story about some twenty-something trapped in a mega buck high-rise apartment overlooking central park. Who cares about these rich kids and their little parties? I'm sorry, but in a city like New York, there are a billion more harrowing stories to tell than a bunch of 90210 kids and their love triangle dramas.
OK on this hand-held camcorder business, I'm going on record on writing how stupid it is. I don't think you can effectively tell a feature length story visually or otherwise with the frame bouncing around like crazy for most of the time. This just doesn't work. Instead of creating anticipation or mystery, all I do is get mad from motion sickness and the fact I have nothing to focus on as an audience member. There is no thread for me to latch on to. This is simple and it is by design, I understand that. The other side of this is the filmmakers are, in fact, providing little for the audience in the first place. Its a very cheap way to make a film, which this film clearly was.
There just isn't much here to watch folks, both literally or figuratively. The 1 hour 20 minute or so running time is a good reflection of this though the movie felt like it was a 3 hour marathon of nonsense. I've never been a group mentality person, but it says something when the majority audience in the theater screams, "SUCKED!" when the credits hit.
Cloverfield is a movie that should have stayed true to its roots on how it was made and gone direct to video. My advice to the writers? Kill off all the kids early, let the aliens film the rest. This one was a dud. And seeing the splash in the ocean at the end, I'm sure there will be sequels on the way. Perhaps the end is near, after all. God have mercy on us all.