Oh my GOD it has Skintainium armor!!!

Rating: 3/10 (19 January 2008)

Cloverfield provides mild entertainment but the movie totally ignores the hindrances of the laws of physics, has several discontinuities, and uses several old clichés including some from our good friend the Blair Witch Project.
In the opening scene of action a earthquake rattles Manhattan and everyone at a party runs to the roof after finding out that a oil tanker wrecked near the statue of liberty (cause tipping a oil tanker or ripping one apart while swimming apparently can generate a massive earthquake).
Then the explosion (as seen in trailer) flings flaming debris around the city (cause oil is extremely explosive and oil tankers apparently explode violently just like LPG tankers).
Later the monster is seen by news cameras on the ground with military personnel (who responded in less than 10 minutes) dropping spawns or something that were about human sized and began attacking people (remember this it is important).
After a little walking we randomly stumble upon the monster and the military erupting in a gigantic gunfight. Two different classes of vehicles engage the giant man-whale-squid (monster). The lovable M1A2 Abrams (tank) which fires a 120mm smooth-bore DU armor penetrating sabot at several thousand meters per second (fast) and is capable of lighting up a Russian tank like a Christmas tree (explode) and the M270 MLRS (rocket launcher) whose 12 missiles are each capable of wiping out a football field. Both apparently are no match for the might of man-whale-squids skintainium armor.
Next we discover that the man-whale-squid spawns can be easily destroyed by any convenient blunt object (despite originating from the impervious skintainium monster). We also discover that the bite of a spawn eventually leads to explosive hemorrhaging such as a cheesy films version of being thrown out into space or getting un-pressurized in a pressure vessel in a bond flick.
After some cheesiness we see that man-whale-squid is engaged by aircraft including the F/A-18 Hornet, UH-1 Huey, and B-2 bomber. All three of which prove ineffective with their mavericks, FFARs, dumb bombs and bunker busters against the mighty skintainium armor despite such a volley utterly leveling the great Godzilla (1998).
Finally the military resorts to for some reason strategically nuking the entire island of Manhattan and ends the flick in a poor rendition of how a nuclear blast would have occurred.
So if watching a movie involving the destruction of New York on a shaky first person camera (apparently super high def and impervious to monsters and helicopter crashes) reminiscent of previous flicks and showing a complete disregard for what metal, concussions, and fire do to flesh is your idea of a good time then Cloverfield is for you. For the rest of us just imagine a man-whale-squid crashing through Manhattan being shot at and a man pitted against all odds to try to be with some chick you pretty much got the movie down.