A Pathetic Post-Modernist Pseudo-"Godzilla" Rip-Off

Rating: 1/10 (25 January 2008)

The late great circus showman P.T. Barnum would stand up in his grave and applaud the advertising campaign that "Lost" creator J.J. Abrams designed for his new monster movie "Cloverfield," an allegory for the 9/11 disaster aimed at the You Tube generation. Essentially, "Cloverfield" is "The Blair Witch Project" meets "Godzilla" with a bit of "Independence Day." Sadly, this appalling 85-minute epic about a quartet of twentysomething adults out to rescue one of their own generates only a modicum of excitement, suspense, and horror. Like "Blair Witch," "Cloverfield" relies on the gimmick of shooting its catastrophic action entirely from the viewpoint of a guy looking into the viewfinder of a camcorder. Actually, "84 Charlie Mopic," a little known, low-budget, 1989 Vietnam War movie, utilized the same gimmick with greater imagination than either "Blair Witch" or "Cloverfield." Indeed, whether they realize it or not, the people that made "Cloverfield" have imitated most of what "84 Charlie Mopic" did with its saga about a combat photographer shadowing a special seven man reconnaissance unit on a dangerous mission.
People that suffer from motion sickness might want to gobble some Dramamine before they see "Cloverfield." The action chronicles a troupe of Yuppies throwing a farewell soirée for Robert Hawkins (newcomer Michael Stahl-David of NBC-TV's "The Black Donnellys") who is bound for a new job in Japan. Anyway, Rob's brother Jason (Mike Vogel of "Poseidon") is supposed to shoot video testimonials. Jason pawns this chore off on his pal, Hud Platt (T.J. Miller of ABC-TV's "Carpoolers"), who uses it as a way to greet girls. Meanwhile, Rob and his girlfriend Beth McIntyre (Odette Yustman of "Transformers") quarrel. She retreats to her Central Park high-rise apartment. Not long afterward, shock tremors typically associated with an earthquake stagger New York City. TV news stations televise images of pandemonium. Out of nowhere the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty careens like a bowling ball down a Manhattan street. Eventually, word of a "Godzilla" sized reptile rampaging through Manhattan reaches our heroes. The power flickers everywhere, and panic erupts. Our heroes learn that nothing in the Pentagon's arsenal has been able to thwart this humongous monster's stompfest. Rob ignores warnings from the Army and sets to rescue Beth trapped in her own apartment. Along the way, Rob and his friends battle baby monsters that spring from the main monster.
"Pallbearer" director Matt Reeves and "Lost" scenarist Drew Goddard take a fantastic idea and fluff it. The camcorder that Hud tapes the action with doesn't sport a stabilizer so you'll feel like you're being whirled around in a Cuisinart. Unfortunately, aside from a few eerie shots, "Cloverfield" lacks adequate hysteria or suspense. The characters behave as idiotically as "Friday the 13th" victims, especially when they plunge into a dark creepy subway tunnel. The monster resembles the offspring of Dr. Seuss' Horton the Elephant character. Nothing emerges as remotely scary, and gore is held to a PG-13 minimum. "Cloverfield" offers no closure, and it makes you pine for a man in a rubber Godzilla suit.