a digestive

Rating: 1/10 (13 December 2004)

Closer may not be the worst movie ever made. I haven't seen every movie ever made, so I'm not in any position to make that evaluation. I can simply say it is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It is dull, repetitive, unbelievable, pretentious, sophomoric, and vulgar. Its leaden pace induces narcolepsy even as it desperately tries to titillate with the language of fornication. The "adults" in this movie are like the incarnation of the fantasies of a psychologically troubled 15-year old boy: both obsessed by and disgusted with their own sexuality. In one interminably long, dull scene, Jude Law -- impersonating a woman -- has cyber-sex with loutish doctor Clive Owen. The embarrassing part is that Director Mike Nicholas is so out of it that he thinks there is something inherently novel about this all-too-common internet phenomenon and so lets the stale scene play out at a laborious pace somewhere between cosmological entropy and stop-motion-photography. We're left to watch these blandly pornographic proceedings with all the enthusiasm of a half- anesthetized dental patient awaiting the drill.
About halfway through this movie a mischievous thought occurred to me: perhaps something more interesting was going on elsewhere on the premises. So I left my seat, retired to the men's room, and, at great leisure, relieved myself of my previously delicious dinner. (Thankfully I saw the movie in an establishment with immaculately well-maintained restrooms.) I can say with all honesty it was the most enjoyable 15 minutes of the entire movie-going experience.