I knew it was doomed within the first thirty minutes

Rating: 3/10 (20 October 2018)

You could say this isn't the sort of movie I should be reviewing, but I try to keep an open mind. Believe it or not, I don't sit around looking for things to hate so I can trash them on the internet and to friends. I'm willing to give most things due attention, and the benefit of the doubt. I don't care where a movie comes from or who's in it, if it seems like it might be partway interesting, I'll give it a shot if I happen to come across it. Such is the case for Closer, which promised, if not chills and thrills, then at least some intrigue and the possibility of an emotional ride.
I don't really know how to classify this thing, and that's not a mark against it. it's not romance, it's not comedy -- it's a relationship drama, I suppose. There was a chance this could have been a well done, charismatic story, but I felt something went terribly wrong from the start. It's one of those cases where I'd probably enjoy some of the behind-the-scenes machinations more than the movie itself. I wonder, even, if the film might have been somewhat sabotaged by its stars.
The biggest problem with this whole story is a lack of chemistry on the part of all concerned. Throwing these people together was a mistake. The script also doesn't bother with subtlety, doesn't really give us a chance to know or care about these four people before we're whisked through another time jump of four months, or a year, and then we're told, "oh it's like this now; he's with her and she's with the other guy". While it's true that without these jumps forward in time that take place in the narrative, the story would probably have gotten bogged down in boring domestic details, the fact that these gaps are basically needed to keep the story vaguely alive-and-breathing should have set off alarms for everybody. I don't have to like any of these people, but I should at least be interested in them. Julia Roberts' Anna is basically a complete non-entity, who's snogging the unlikeable writer a mere two minutes after her first appearance in the story. Are we just supposed to figure this is the way it goes because she's played by Julia Roberts? That's almost how it seemed! I wonder how the story would have played out if they'd cast unknowns? I bet it would have been better than this, somehow.
There's no arresting style, no poignant words, just a Bizarre Love Square. yes, a Love Square. Who's sleeping with whom this time? Who cares. This is just an irredeemably bad movie. I could almost feel my will to continue being drained as the thing progressed, and I wonder if the screen-writers, the actors, or anybody directly involved felt the same. I kind of hope so.