Effluent waste (of time and money)

Rating: 1/10 (29 May 2005)

After writhing through Jude Law's absolutely awful Alfie several weeks ago, my wife and I thought we'd give Jude Law another chance...what a mistake.
If only "Closer" were JUST salacious and tawdry...the "Closer" I get to it, the more it stinks. There is nothing in this film! Nothing! All right, the shots of London. Yes, Portman has a nice smile...Roberts' great misty looks...and Law is sooooo handsome (gag). But that, really, is it.
One has to wonder why Nichols chose this...ah...flotsam of a film. After a glorious rich early career that features films like "Silkwood", "The Graduate" and "Carnal Knowledge", Nichols seems to have lost his olfactory sense.
Can't you hear the come on, though? "Here's what we do, Mikey: Put a couple of headliners in London, lots of classical music, scenery, (one time) world-class director, sprinkle it with dirty language and sex...You have the newbie starlet Natalie Portman--(who has the acting depth of a kiddie pool)--you got a (fading) star Julia Roberts (with her Bambi-esquire doe-eyes masquerading as grand pathos). You got Jude Law...You got a smash hit! Almost an Art Film! Like Ocean's 11 the Remake! Happening! Cool! Yeah, Baby!"
Jude Law. O Handsome Leading Actor and so full of himself on screen, Jude, you make Richard Burton seem like a shrinking violet.
Jude hasn't done a creditable job in anything since Artificial Intelligence. Perhaps his choice of films is the culprit. I haven't seen Sky Captain (cringe I), and I got through all of 10 minutes of Cold MoleHill, but I'm thinking I don't have the stomach to watch this guy's work.
I'm really, really beginning to wonder if Jude Law himself knows what a good film project is. I know, I know, they are trying to make money, and they go where the money is. But I don't see these absolutely wooden performances (there's a pun in there) as landing anywhere in the top 250 films of all time list that I keep.
Jude, really, check out the filmography of British Film Giants like Cary Grant, Michael Caine, Peter Sellers, David Niven, Rex Harrison, Alec Guiness to name but a few. It wasn't all great, Jude, but you are on a clinker streak that those actors never saw.
And brother and sister viewers, how how how could you give this...film sewage...anything as high as an 8? 6? 4? I give it a one, because this grading system won't take fractions.