Pile of crap, waste of time.

Rating: 1/10 (5 January 2007)

Closer is so sickeningly pretentious and self-aware that I feel pretentious even watching it. Though people claim it was so complex and gritty, the characters were the most shallow, mindless and disgusting little bastards that I've ever seen in any movie. I could deal with terrible relationships, but I can't deal with a bunch of pretty people crying about their problems when they create these problems for themselves. Like I need to waste time trying to believe that any of these jerks care about anything other than themselves or their problems.
The only thing Natalie Portman was good at in this movie was being a retard and getting ran over. Such a romantic scene! That was the best part of the movie for me. I laughed my stupid head off. I couldn't picture her as a stripper and her performance was equal to her annoying "Anny!!!" dialogue in the third Star Wars.
But hell, I shouldn't just gang up on her--they were all terrible, but then again the characters were such pure crap that I doubt anyone could make anything out of them. They have got to be the worst characters of all time portrayed on film and I bet the play sucked too.
As for the soundtrack, I don't care what anyone says--the damn song that kept playing throughout by Damien Rice...the stupid "Can't take my eyes off of you" over and over and over again as Natalie Portman walks around aimlessly. That made me want to slam my head in with a brick.