Antithesis to "Love Actually"

Rating: 5/10 (2 December 2004)

::closer:: I got to see this the night before it came out, and I didn't have to pay. Keep that in mind. I went in not to see Natalie Portman topless or hear about Jude Law in bed (both of those come up and you're only going to see Natalie's back). Oh no, I went for some serious tension acting. What I saw was bastards. It almost seems like director Mike Nichols just spent millions to re-tell a story that happened to him, just to draw out all the guilty parties involved. I mean, where is the love? Two of the characters get married, and we don't see any of their lives between a conflict a few months before the wedding and a big conflict four months after. I mean, where is the love? What this movie lacks in affection it makes up for in lust. And what it lacks in lust . . . it doesn't lack in lust. But it's not even "Well, at least there was that steamy lust between such and such" lust. This was jealous, angry lust-speak. Granted, this one's good at arguments. Clive Owen is the real badass, better than any scolder I've ever known. Yes, he even scolds better than your mom (and with more whore-ible personal insults). And in a quasi-sick way, all those moments were awesome. I'll just say this, now that I've said all that: between the lack of affection, the cruel changes in time and heart, and the replacement of tension with ruthless actions, "Closer" is the dark, absolute antithesis to "Love Actually."