This movie needed Glenn Close

Rating: 2/10 (28 March 2005)

You want to see the most pretentious, laughable, boring, movie ever made? You got it with Closer. Based on a play (red flag goes up there) about 4 despicable human beings who screw each other over (literally too) and...well, that's it. There is no plot other than these nitwits falling in and out of love faster than Charlie Sheen's life. Not once did I believe any of these characters were ever in love. I also never believed that they ever could fall in love with each other. Why does stuffy Jude Law falls for a stripper? Because she got hit by a car and smiled at him before she got hit. Why does big mouthed Julia Roberts fall for this English guy? Because he bought her a balloon at an aquarium. This is it folks! Lots of action here! Move over Die Hard, here comes Closer! Oh and get ready for some of the most vile, over the top graphic dialog ever in a film. The swearing would make Andrew Dice Clay, Peter North, Howard Stern, and Scott Estes wince. Not to mention when people speak, the other responds so quickly you can tell this is written and we are watching a movie. Why does Jude Law act like a woman in a chat room? How did Natalie Portman know that Jude Law was cheating with Julia Roberts? Why does the Virgin Mary pop up at the end holding an issue of Redbook, wearing a t-shirt that says, "Make mine Marvel"? Oh and to the girl who was talking thru the whole movie at the LaGrange Park movie theater, I hope that someday red ants crawl into your pubes as your boyfriend/husband punches you in the face repeatedly.