The Big Question is:

Rating: 1/10 (9 December 2004)

"How did not one but FOUR amazing actors wander into such a horrible film?"
I guess a lot of people were "disgusted" or "outraged" by the vulgarity, the sex, all that stuff. They're missing the point: this movie profoundly blows.
I mean, I'm not too terribly familiar with this Mike Nichols guy's work, but the film-making here was flat and uninspired throughout. Dare I say amateurish. At no point does the film engage the audience. None of the characters are believable, the movie gives you nothing that lets you care about them... The performances were good, given what the cast had to work with (Clive Owen is best, but they're all remarkable actors), but good performances mean bugger-all when the characters aren't believable. It was all so much melodrama, I could've gotten the same thing from three or four episodes of All My Children. "I love you, I never loved you, I'll always love you, I hate you, I love her, Now I love you again, oh wait, I'm just lusting after you, but really I love you..." Come on.
This movie was totally empty. And don't say that "emptiness" was the point, because you don't get that point across by just leaving huge holes in the narrative and the character development.
And whose idea was it to compare this garbage to Lost in Translation? Closer is totally devoid of substance, is very shallow, and deals primarily with empty lust. Lost in Translation, on the other hand, has several different levels of depth, meaning, complexity and deals with real emotions, love (platonic or otherwise)... has well developed characters... I could go on and on. But, yeah.