Tedious and self indulgent

Rating: Null/10 (27 March 2006)

Closer disappointed me. It's one of those irritating movies about self obsessed, clever, cruel people who apparently never want for money and who have nothing better to do with their time than mess up their lives. Gosh, where did that come from? As Yoda might have said, "Move me, it did not." In truth, this movie did nothing for me except make me sigh with frustration. Because I think with some sharper editing and tauter writing it could have been a lot better. Still not great, but at least passable. I disliked all 4 of the major players, although Natalie Portman was certainly the least irritating of the group. And this movie managed to achieve the rare distinction of making me rather ashamed to be a Brit! Take it from me, not all British men are quite the immature, manipulative, dysfunctional w*&%^rs portrayed here by Clive Owen and Jude Law. Some but not all. I watched this on DVD at home, and almost switched off before the end, something I hate to do, as I take some kind of perverse pleasure in sticking it out, no matter how dire the movie. I guess it's the grown up movie-goer's equivalent of being told to clean your plate as a child. But I mean, who really gives a toss about any of this lot? Possibly the characters in the original play were more engaging, but I failed to engage with any of these.
The basic story has Julia Roberts playing Anna, a depressive (and depressing) photographer, who falls for Dan (Jude Law) but marries Larry (Clive Owen) while Portman plays the ex-stripper Alice / Jane who for some reason I never quite fathomed, adores Dan but may or may not have had a fling with Larry while working as a Pole Dancer. With me so far? Good. We see them split, come together, split again all in a totally humourless way, and by that time I just wanted to pick the lot of them up and bang their collective heads against a wall. If this is supposed to be a look at the love lives of post-ironic, "smart" people, all I can say is 'Thank God I'm Stupid". I may have had relationships as bad as this, but at least I could enliven the proceedings with a good drunken row occasionally or a hearty bout of hysterical crying. These guys are trying to be so cool and mature, but end up simply being cold and passé. And doesn't anybody ever laugh at themselves in this super trendy, smart world of interconnected love lives? In short, this film is badly conceived rather than badly made, and should probably be avoided unless you are an uncritical obsessive fan of one of the leads. And although I like Natalie Portman and could be won over by Clive Owen (very good in Gosford Park and simply stunning in Inside Man), I remain puzzled as to the appeal of Law and Roberts. Especially here.