Tries too hard to be witty and sophisticated; ends up being neither.

Rating: 1/10 (30 March 2020)

I disliked this film from the moment Natalie Portman and Jude Law appeared in slow motion while a desiccated, sniveling love song played on the soundtrack. Once they started talking to each other, it only got worse.
So, how do I loathe CLOSER? Let me count the ways. The pacing is interminable, the characters are snotty and full of themselves, and the stilted dialogue sounds too rehearsed to be actual conversation. If I hadn't shut it off during the "Internet sex chat" scene, I undoubtedly would have found more reasons to punch these characters through a wall.
I've sat through many "art" films, so it's not that I'm too inattentive or philistine to appreciate a leisurely paced movie with an intellect. But CLOSER has no intellect. Rather, it's like the Shelley Winters character in LOLITA: a know-nothing rube trying to be sophisticated but coming across as pathetic and contemptible to those who know better.