"Closer" starring Names as FURNITURE!

Rating: 1/10 (30 October 2005)

This is definitely Number One on my list of the Worst Movies Ever Made.
Movies like "Showgirls", "The Cell", "Signs", "Mullholland Drive", "Million Dollar Hotel", "Gosford Park", "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace", "Wired", "Great Balls of Fire" come after this for one reason and one reason only:
THIS MOVIE RUINED MY ENTIRE WEEKEND! THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD ENJOY AFTERWARD BECAUSE I WAS TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH THE FACT THAT THIS FILM OF THE WORST EXCUSES FOR CHARACTERS WAS EVER MADE AND I ACTUALLY WATCHED IT!!!!!!!
If I didn't know any better, I'd try to find some legal technicality from which I could sue and collect a monetary settlement from everyone involved with the writing, green-lighting, financing, casting, acting, shooting, catering, cutting, producing, editing, printing, copying, and advertising of this showcase of pathetic excuse for a movie, but, like I said, I know better.
Natalie Portman, who hasn't had a good role since "Leon/The Professional", is miscast as a no-nonsense, fast talking stripper, which is like casting Spike Lee to play a Grand Wizard of the KKK. Julia Roberts plays a photographer. That's all you need to know. Jude Law plays a guy who's as pathetic as almost ANY character played by Julian Sands. Even worse: he SOUNDS LIKE HIM!! Clive Owen plays a doctor who can't deliver a line (even when it's supposed to be shocking, due to foul language) any better than the Domino's Pizza guy can deliver a pizza to Bangladesh in 30 minutes or less.
The movie is completely, utterly, mind-numbingly boring and you would just as well watch a movie about the house you grew up in (if you took yourself and your family out of the picture) and cast Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman and Jude Law as The Front Door, The Oven, The Living Room Table, and A Spatula.
Aaaannnnd .... CUT! That's a wrap.