Close? More like "Insufferable."

Rating: Null/10 (5 December 2004)

I just saw this absolutely atrocious film, and it was -- quite honestly -- the worst movie I have EVER paid to see. And I own "Russian Ark," a foreign film shot throughout the Russian Hermitage discussing Russian history and culture! This is not about tastes or styles; I am not some action-junkie bored by a "deep" movie. The fact of the matter is that "Closer" suffers from a lack of characterization and -- more importantly -- intimacy.
All of the characters are horribly unsympathetic, and worse -- unbelievable. What "Closer" does is bandy about a lot of useless exposition and little in the way of storytelling. Simply put, this film does not show, it says. We don't see any attraction between any of these characters -- the audience is simply told, ad infinitum, about love, lust, romance, and intimacy.
What then, can the movie possibly showcase? Drama. Endless, insufferable drama. And not poignant or beautiful drama -- but the worst kind imaginable. The drama you'd see in a reality TV show. The drama you'd see at a gay bar. The drama that most sane people will consciously try to avoid.
So we see mad fits of jealousy. Jealousy about -- gasp! -- sexual crossovers. Jude Law reprises his "Alfie" role to bring yet another unsympathetic user. Julia Roberts' motives make absolutely no sense. Clive Owen is really absent from any true character: he personifies a male-sexuality archetype. And Natalie Portman -- who is the source of ALL the film's decently acted scenes -- ultimately makes no sense.
In fact, her character said it best (and I paraphrase): "It's a lot of depressed people, made to look beautiful, so that it's all okay to the rest of us."
Yeah. That's "Closer" for you. A lot of depressed people -- filmed quite beautifully -- masking itself as casual, beautiful "art." How freaking ironic.
And beware -- you're treated to the most ludicrous cyber-sex scene in the world, as well as Julia Roberts talking about every scrap and tittle about her sexual life with Jude Law. Talking openly about sex is not "real" nor "honest" -- Howard Stern's been doing it for years, and he had to move to a satellite network to receive air time.
Again: insufferable.