Blech.

Rating: 2/10 (22 May 2005)

If you enjoyed Eyes Wide Shut, if you are entertained by long-winded, talky movies about whiny pretty people who can't commit and have no idea what they want, then Closer is your cup of tea. Go see it and love the overwrought cheesy sentimentality out of it.
Closer is about four people, two sets of couples, whose lives fall apart when two of them begin an affair with each other. Dan (Jude Law) helps Alice (Natalie Portman) when she's struck by a cab. The two quickly fall for each other, of course. Not long after, Dan - an aspiring writer - has his picture professionally taken for the book jacket of his novel. The photographer is Anna (Julie Roberts); unsurprisingly, Dan falls for her as well, and vice versa. And then somehow Larry (Clive Owen) tumbles into the mix; he's tricked by Dan into meeting Anna, who falls for him, but then he falls for Alice, and... Oh, what's the use? Those of you who love romantic dramas will likely get into this, and those who do not, won't.
But here's the thing, okay? It's a talky, slow movie that relies very heavily on a rather turgid, melodramatic script - not to mention the charms of the four very good-looking leads. At times, the dialog really clicks with some subtle, clever twists of the word, but most of the movie is filled with dopey, unrealistic, stilted verbalizations. It's not that the movie doesn't make any sense; on the contrary, it's fairly simple to follow. So simple, in fact, that you can easily tell what's coming next. There are no surprises in Closer.
The tone is set very early, with an inexorable opening song that seems to merely repeat its refrain ad infinitum. Much like the movie, which repeats its theme in the same grueling, amateurish manner, only with different characters. Look! Now she's dumping him! Now he's with her and dumping the other one! Woohoo! Go, you wacky lovers, go! The casting is pretty good, though. Julie Roberts can really act, you know, and she's quite effective here. Law isn't bad, but he's been much better - he actually overacts late in the film, going against the grain of understated quiet. They do make a cute couple, though. Which leads me to Portman, who's the lightweight of the bunch. She turns in a fairly good performance, although there were a couple scenes in which she just didn't feel right for the role. Owen's character is the crass bastard of the lot, and the actor is up the task. But damn, Colin! You couldn't shave for the role? You look like you should be hiding in bushes, waiting to flash little old ladies. But then again, that was part of his character's appeal.
As interesting as the circuitry in a pocket calculator, as engrossing as a 1975 auto-repair manual, and as excruciating as a long morning in a dentist's chair, Closer is a dream come true for folks who like sitting in a catatonic state, drool seeping out of the corner of their mouths.