How to train your Kraken

Rating: 5/10 (9 April 2010)

Toothless is lucky that he did not decide to attack Argos, or he might have been turned into stone in addition to being misunderstood.
As for the mythology, just forget anything you may have earlier read--you are probably better off if you have never read anything about the ancient myths. And probably better off if you have not seen the eighties film.
The ancient "politics" behind this film were muddled. It first seemed like man vs. gods. And then it seemed like Zeus vs. Hades. And then there was Perseus, who was a demigod and seemed rather confused. But probably no more confused than his father Zeus, who eventually ordered Hades to "Release the Kraken." And why did they have to wait until the eclipse? Why not instant revenge on the mortals? Why was Zeus still speaking to Hades? Didn't Zeus know what Hades was doing? And if the Kraken was kept under the sea, what became of Poseidon? Maybe the god of the sea was lost in a budget-cut. Or maybe his part was given to Ralph Fiennes. And the Kraken gets released, and then gets marble-ized within a minute of emerging from the deep. Not much suspense there.
The hunting of Medusa is an example of bigger not really being better. In the eighties film, you had a sense of space--the arrangement of the pillars in Medusa's residence. Here, Medusa had moved to a place in the country--on the other side of the River Styx, and why? Who would need to be turned into stone after they were already dead? Would Medusa find much fun in killing boatloads of already dead tourists? Her lair was just a confusing craggy locale with a pit of fire somewhere inside. You had no idea where anyone was.
The gods seemed to be British (Liam and Ralph), and the bastard demigod son was Australian. Hmmm . . . And the not-very-comic relief sounded vaguely Russian. Was a statement being made? And Pegasus was black. But apparently had a lot of white girlfriends. And Perseus could just hop right on Pegasus at will whenever necessary, like hailing a taxi. And if there were all those other winged horses, why didn't Perseus and his buds just saddle up, rather than having to travel by scorpion?
There was no real way to care much for any of these characters. I didn't hate the film (I didn't see it in 3-D) because it's not that awful. It's just not very good.