Just Say No to Crrrrahhken

Rating: 6/10 (4 April 2010)

Ah, another great movie opening yesterday: "The Clash of the Titans". What I mean by that is not that it was a great movie, but a great opening; I mean, what's not to like? It's a summer movie in the spring. Grab your popcorn, kick your feet up on the seat in front of you, and enjoy. Almost any movie can hold up under these favorable conditions.
Well, "The Clash" does hold up okay. Now, I'm not one to expect Oscar-worthy performances from a movie like this; but it was a bit disappointing to see Liam Neesan, Ralph Fiennes and that other guy who was recently blue in Avatar just PHONE IT IN. Liam Neesan plays Zeus. What a great role. It's like saying, "Liam Neesan is a Jedi." We expect great things. Or Ralph Fiennes as Hades. Hades!!! Wouldn't you expect some bluster, emotion, EVIL??? He looks bored as he hovers around in a black cloud. "I'm Hades...(yawn)...RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD...(zzzz)." Okay, but what's worth the popcorn? The Cracken, or as we say it with a bit of Ahhhhrish (you have to roll the "r" in the back of your throat - that's it) - the Crrrahhken. This is a great creature from the deep. I think it's the same Cracken that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, but it's been working out. "Release the Crrrahhken," says Zeus, now a little upset that the movie took this long for him to get to his line. You can almost picture Liam Neesan saying, "Release the Crrrahhken so I can get out of this really hot armor," or "Release the Crrrahhken because Ralph Fiennes is SOOOOO boring." Don't take this as a negative review. I mean the Stygion witches and the giant scorpion pack animals are really quite nice, and the CG version of Medusa is okay too (actually, I thought the Umma Thurman Medusa in Lightning Thief was better). And there's this dude with blue eyes who looks kind of like a mix between a tree trunk and a Transformer, with very halogen-blue eyes. This reminds me of two Hollywood producers sitting around talking about the plot, and one says, "Hey, my cousin has this really cool alien costume that he never used in 'Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull' so how about we put that in the movie for all the kids. They love aliens, and this movie doesn't have ANY aliens! GIVE ME ALIENS!" You'll see what I mean.
For those who remember the original movie, with Burgess Meredith as Perseus's "trainer" and the robotic owl (it actually makes a brief appearance in this remake), this movie is prettier, but just as campy as the first one. For you youngsters out there, "campy" means you'd rather GO camping than try to explain the plot. The plot is so dismal...ugh! But here it is in one sentence: Demigod Perseus has to show the decapitated Medusa to petrify - literally - the Crrrahhken before the princess - yes, she's very pretty, but who really cares if she dies - becomes Crrrahhken fodder.
Regardless of what you may think about this show, it's great summer movie stuff. So go kick your feet up and enjoy your extra butter popcorn.