'Clash of the Titans'? More like a tantrum of toddlers

Rating: 1/10 (16 April 2010)

The best I can say about this film is that it unintentionally amused me. From the very first voice-over, where the Kraken is intermingled with the Greek gods, to the moment where I realised that there were no eponymous titans that would feature in this 2 hour roar of testosterone, this movie provided scarce moments of accidental humour.
As for a film itself, though, it is a shocker. There is hardly anything redemptive about it. The changes to the original myth add nothing to the storyline- Io, the Goddess of Backstory, for example, is provided with a very flimsy explanation for being. The acting is dreadful- Worthington might have that rough-hewn look of a suffering hero, but his acting is as emotive as a plank of wood. He and Arterton share such a lack of chemistry that when her character tells him, "Calm your storm", the audience is left with little option but to laugh at the terrible dialogue.
Furthermore, the pounding, 'epic' music adds nothing to the supposed scale of the film. It is instead dizzying and uninspiring, mirroring the contrived nature of the plot. Finally, and this is perhaps the most potent of the film's weaknesses: none of the characters invite sympathy.
The gods are simply pathetic- the constant references to Zeus' "mercy" are blunt barbs at the Christian and Islam gods. Liam Neeson, who usually brings such gravitas to his roles, is left unusually bland and for once, he fails to fill the screen. The usually deliciously evil Ralph Fiennes is left looking somewhat foolish as he swooshes about in black clouds. As for the protagonists, Worthington's Perseus is a man who sulks and suffers one of the worst cases of self denial I have yet encountered. What's more, I still have no idea why Io refused to go away. And as for the soldiers of Argos- well, if they were the best the city had to offer, I can understand why the gods would have wanted to destroy the wretched place.
After watching 'Clash of the Titans', the only things clashing were my eardrums, and the only impression it left me with was a pounding headache.