Cr*p of the Titans

Rating: 2/10 (13 May 2010)

I haven't had the chance to see the original 1981 Clash of the Titans but I believe even with the lack of technological special effects, it couldn't have been as bad as the cr*p that was churned out this year. The re-make had such promise with the all-star cast ensemble, the foundations of the original film and the intriguing Greek mythology that can fuel the plot. But instead of doing a little research and actually closely following the myths that were well thought out for hundreds of years. Producer/writers/directors decide to cheapen the project by turning it into another Hollywood action pack block-buster with no plot and wooden actors... WHHYYY?????
The first scene already got me rolling my eyes when a baby was found alive and well floating in a coffin that just rose from deep under the sea. The kid was taken in by a sweet fisherman's family who brought him up to become the brooding, handsome hunk of muscle Perseus played by Sam Worthington. I'm always supporting rising Australian actors in Hollywood with full force. But Worthington's losing me as a fan with his wooden facial expressions, monotones dialog (with a very heavy Aussie accent that made me cringe) and awkward demeanor. Perseus then gets swept into the battle between the gods and the people when his family became casualties of war. He stumbles into the royal court where his demigod status is discovered which forces him into the journey to save the princess, destroy the gods to avenge his family. Typical plot that could've been substantial if done well, unfortunately in this Clash of the Titans (COTT) it wasn't. COTT lacked story-telling, character development and explanations in focal scenes that left the audience hanging with no satisfaction.
The lonesome fisherman (who's never picked up a battle sword in his life), single handedly fought off a hoard of soldiers with years of training. WTF!?!? I know you're a demigod and all but that's way too much BS one can handle, either that or the soldiers were all shite. In which case don't wage war with the gods if you don't have the goods!! The film was then followed by a series of eye-rolling, scoffing and choke worthy bullshite that I just was not able to accept. The heroes journey seemed irrelevant after the long sequence of heavily laden CGI fight action scenes & the laughable dialog didn't help bring the audience back onto the journey's path at all. And was it me or did Zeus have a serious case of multiple personality disorder? One minute he appears to his son Perseus giving advice and offers help. The next he's telling Hades to carry out the human slaughter with no mercy!?!? If I were Hera I would've advised my husband – the god of gods to seek psychological help. The one thing I thought didn't make my head shake in disbelief was Hades (Ralph Fiennes) acting, his eerily cold appearance made me shiver at times and I have to say was a breath of fresh air in a film that had nothing else going for it.
One last thing I want to vent about. I'm sick of every movie becoming 3D just because it can. And I was stupid enough to follow the hype and go see COTT with those horrible glasses that fell off my nose every 3 seconds. It made the scenes blurry, darker and I didn't see one bit of impressive eye popping 3D activity at all?!?! That was a big fat waste of money and headache inducing experience.
I'll end it with my all time favorite scene/line that made me laugh out loud inappropriately. This time it was the all mighty Zeus who's guilty. In one of the final crucial scenes, he tells all the gods at the conference to leave him and Hades alone in the room. He slowly walks up the stairs and dramatically turns! and instead of having a private meaningful conversation that required the other gods to leave he utters 'Release the Kraken!' (oh no! it's not a giant octopus it's elephant man's f**ked up twin!) - WTF WTF WTF!?!?!
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