A poor show all-round

Rating: 1/10 (1 August 2005)

I'm genuinely not sure where to start on this, it was so awful. Being a big fan of the original, one of the best movies ever made I didn't really want to see a different version, but was coaxed into it, and boy, I wish I wasn't.
I have to disagree with the majority who had a liking for Grandpa Jo. He's meant to be an unassuming character, he doesn't choose to go with Charlie - Charlie chooses him! And he doesn't do daft Irish dancing either. It's not flipping Riverdance. This Grandpa Jo, like all the characters, could not be easily connected to. Seeing the original get up from his bed brought a smile to my face. Watching Riverdance did not.
The children were below average, certainly not a patch on the class of '71. Veruca Salts in particular seemed incapable of portraying the 'daddy's little girl' image which was a great touch to the original. Charlie Bucket managed to portray the poor boy at the beginning, but after meeting Wonka this seemed to diminish. The others did the job, nothing more, nothing less, but they had little to work with.
The parents were worse than the kids. Veruca Salts' father was perhaps the least convincing character I've seen in my life. Did he have a second tone to his voice - a distressed one perhaps? No. Nothing. And as the kids were whisked away one by one the parents seemed to show absolutely no emotion - absolutely senseless.
Everything I can say about the songs and the Oompa-Loompas has been said before, but lets say I wasn't impressed. The original songs were timeless. These seemed dated already (it's passed the 1990s!).
The flashbacks were charming and pointless in equal measure. The little Willy Wonka at Hallowe'en I could sympathise with, but the mystery of Wonka was then gone. They did little but to detract from the plot.
And Depp. What can I say? Random would be an understatement, and the viewer felt no attachment to him whatsoever. The Jackson similarities were uncanny at times. He seemed disturbed, whilst Wilder was eccentric, yet warm. The latter was far more appealing.
Somehow the plot lines, like the film as a whole, seemed forced and very unnatural. The lines from the original seemed out of place, yet changing them seemed like it was just for the sake of it. Why were there squirrels and not geese? Why was it chocolate television and not Wonkavision? Why Mike's father, not his mother? And why, oh why, was there no flaw by Charlie? Getting in the Wonkavator (sorry, elevator) before Charlie had won, and Wonka refusing to let Charlie's folks in the factory when he had won? Inexcusble.
As the credits rolled I was shaking my head. Literally. Watch the original version, read the book, but whatever you do, don't waste good money on this film.