Killing my childhood, one celluloid at a time.

Rating: 1/10 (24 December 2006)

I'm very well aware most people don't share my opinion on this flick. I'm kind of strict when it comes to 1-10 voting, tried to look for redeemable qualities. But I probably missed the point, because the candy film, like the Wonka candy Charlie mentions, doesn't have to have a point. I guess.
Onward! List of why I didn't like this movie (to be read silently in Ryan Reynolds' voice):
10. Because (name withheld) will inevitably make more money on merchandising from this movie (like all other Burton movies) than from the movie itself. Come on, where's the heart when all they set out to do is make a buck?
9. Because there's no more disturbing boat ride down the mighty, dark brown, chocolate river (Hehehe). That scene alone was a conversation piece.
8. Because Willy Wonka's dad is Saruman.
7. Because Johnny Depp lacks Gene Wilder's classic, golden voice. If Depp's Wonka said coco bean one more GD time, I thought I'd chuck the remote through the TV screen.
6. Because Depp lacks the inner sadness you could see in Wilder's eyes, which you could almost hear in the strain in his voice as his emotions betrayed him. It's replaced by textbook homogenized, Burtonized eccentricity. And all of Burton's movies are starting to revolve around daddy issues.
5. Because Depp is in practically all of Burton's movies.
4. So is Helena Bonham Carter.
3. Seriously. Skeet Ulrich is good too. He's no 'poor man's Johnny Depp! Have you seen "Jericho"? It's like Lost's second cousin... that I have funny feelings for...in my pants.
2. I know that it's supposed to be more faithful to the novel(?), and that supposedly Dahl didn't like the first film, but this one lacked the sweetness that the original film had, which I loved and would watch constantly on VHS when I was younger. I think I died a little bit inside. It was like watching someone dress up as your dead childhood friend on Halloween to try and cheer you up. A worthy effort, but ultimately painful and a reminder that once you decide to grow up the child within you dies, usually along with innocence, bed-wetting and fear of God.
1. Deep Roy as the only Oompa Loompa. Geez, how many actors missed out on a fat paycheck because they only had to use 1 guy. The produced and modernized and urbanized songs were ho hum at most, I think it was supposed to be cool or cute or something. The old ones were kind of catchy and creative considering the times.