Not absolutely dreadful but quite unfortunate...

Rating: 3/10 (16 August 2005)

I don't know why Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is receiving so much praise, apart from the fact that it brings Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, and Johnny Depp together again, as well as being based on the long-loved story by Roald Dahl and preceded by Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Because of this latter reason, it was guaranteed a certain amount of success and bound to draw fans of either the old movie or book, or both. Because of the former reason, it was also guaranteed a healthy measure of success and fans of either Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, Johnny Depp, or all three. I'll tell you why it doesn't deserve praise: Most of the time, it's just plain boring. It started off well, with sweet little Charlie and his family in their quaint, lopsided hut; they obviously suffer from indigence and Sickeningly Sweet Syndrome. Everyone is kind and loving and selfless and supportive of each other, etc. etc., and it's all quite corn-fed, but that's all fine and well; it can only be expected. Grandma Bucket with her "I love grapes" line was even funny and endearing. The movie begins to go downhill after the discoverer of the first Golden Ticket, that rotund German boy, is shown.
The plot is all too predictable. You knew from the start that Willy Wonka hated all the children and their parents except Charlie and Grandpa Bucket, and that the rest of the movie would consist in him knocking them off one by one, until only Charlie & Co. were left. That's all it was really about; the process of elimination. While we're on the subject of elimination, what the hell did Willy Wonka get rid of that angry video game child for, being smart and making comments to which Wonka had no reply? Indeed, he made the only solid point of the movie in saying, "Why is everything here so pointless?" I know that it's a children's movie, but they could at least mix things up a bit so you don't find yourself reminded of preschool shows on TV, such as Dora the Explorer or Blues Clues, which feature cyclical journeys.
Speaking of young audiences, the movie was childish. Yes, yes, it's a children's movie, but it was childish even for a children's movie. I know that I found even Edward Scissorhands a bit childish, but I liked it anyway for its charms. And I like Tim Burton, don't get me wrong, but does he think everything a happy dark fairy tale? Nothing's ever that complex in his films; he relies more on visuals and a sort of magical atmosphere.
Speaking of visuals, I wasn't all that impressed by those in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I thought the seahorse-shaped boat they rode in down the chocolate river looked particularly fake; like cheap plastic, really. None of the scenery was spectacular. I didn't like how near the beginning, when they were introducing the four other children who found a Golden Ticket, their skin and features were so obviously computer-"enhanced" that they looked cartoonish. Not to nitpick.
A more major thing is that I didn't like the character of Willy Wonka himself, which is like a fatal stroke in the world of film. You have to like the main characters, or at least approve of them to some degree, to appreciate a movie, and Willy Wonka was just rude, hypocritically judgmental, lacking in depth and complexity (the whole "I have flashbacks of being traumatized by my father" thing didn't cut it), and - forgive me - dorky. Not quirky in a good way. I didn't even like the way he looked or that exceedingly silly haircut he had. He said nothing very interesting or that would make me take more kindly to him throughout the movie. None of the other characters were great/engaging or very well-played, either, including Charlie and Grandpa Bucket.
The Oompa Loompas' several songs celebrating the riddance of each child were annoying, seemed to be added simply to kill time, and only drew your notice more sharply to the cyclical, repetitive nature of the plot. I wanted them to shut their minuscule, identical noise tubes.
Last of all but not least, it didn't leave me with a "warm, fuzzy feeling inside" as might be expected. There didn't seem to be any moral to it, except perhaps, "Candy doesn't need to have a point, and neither does this movie, apparently," or, "If you're a poor, goody-goody child, all your dreams will come true because you'll get to inherit a chocolate factory full of magical goodies, not because of any talent or ambition but simply because you're the least spoiled of five randomly selected children who all like to eat chocolate." There was no real bond between Wonka and Charlie, as might also be expected, and, like I said, there's nothing special or particularly warming about Willy Wonka. There's no "magic" to the movie as there is to other Burton films. It leaves you only dissatisfied and feeling very much like you have just seen it exactly for what it is, nothing more: nothing memorable. It has no heart or vivacity in it, and that is probably why, above all else, it falls flat.
That being said, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time at the theater with your kid(s)/spouse/friend(s)/yourself, enjoying the pointlessness and vapidity that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
It's okay to watch. Really. Just don't expect anything special or heart-warming or graphically fabulous. I'm sure little kids won't even notice the difference. I felt impelled to write this heavily negative comment only because: 1) it's my actual opinion, and 2) I was seeing all positive comments about how delightful this little movie is.
3) And yes, I am a cynical bitch. It's not touching, heart-warming, or sincere, yet still very corny, and I demand to have my cold heart thawed and de-barbed by happy children's movies, I say!