Eeheehee, I'm Willy Wonka!

Rating: 1/10 (5 February 2013)

What. What the deuce. What the diddly deuce did I watch? Tim Burton--you're married to Helena Bonham Carter. You've made several Gothic-cutesy movies which, while decidedly not my style, are not bad. Why did you have to put your cold, spidery hands on my darling Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? WHY?? Charlie's not a bad actor. His parents, although rather predictably cast, are cute in that dingy-British-zany-Tim-Burton way. The humor at first is pretty funny. I'm not in love, but I'm not screaming in agony either.
And then Johnny Depp comes. And then Johnny Depp comes. And THEN JOHHNY COMES AND OH, DEAR GOD, I'M BREATHLESS WITH HORROR. He smirks. He simpers. He minces. He speaks in a soft, breathy, braindead sort of voice which seems like a really poor interpretation of Michael Jackson. He's apparently the son of a psychopathic dentist who refusd to let him eat candy--as a result of which, he grows up to be a highly effeminate, suspiciously pedophile-ish creeper who giggles for the camera and doesn't give a darn about the children with whom he's dealing. In short, he's quite possibly the worst Willy Wonka anyone could ever be, ranking right up there with the hypothetical interpretation by Kristen Stewart. Somewhere out there, Dahl is banging his head against his coffin. Personally, I'm a fan of the original. Sure, it changes a few details of the book, sure the Oompa Loompas are green and orange and creepy, sure the infamous Boat Scene is acid-trippy and psychedelic, but the heart is there. Gene Wilder, in my view, played Wonka brilliantly. He was a man of mystery, a man of twinkling eyes and dry humor and unaccountable twists and turns, a man both fearful and wonderful to behold. (By the way, Johnny: dry wit does not equate to you smiling vapidly at the children and lisping "I don't really care"). He's peculiar, yes, but he's also wacky and whimsical and boyish at heart, and he cares for Charlie. Perhaps Depp's portrayal cared for Charlie, but he gave the impression of said caring being entirely the wrong way. I don't understand why at the end Wonka doesn't allow Charlie to bring his family with him to the factory--that rather defeats the purpose of the book. All in all, this is a shiny new remake which emulates its main character: cold and glassy and completely dissatisfying.
PS. The Oompa Loompas. SERIOUSLY?! And the music completely ruins the mood and setting.