I'm glad he ate her

Rating: 4/10 (14 January 2019)

I'm not really sure what Neil Marshall's point was with this movie. He's blushingly swooning over The Warriors, Braveheart, and Gladiator while, understandably, appalled by Zack Snyder's ugly aesthetic of 300. But the whole affair is a confused mess of ideas that I just couldn't care about it, which is strange, as I recall liking this when I saw it in the cinema back in 2010.
So Michael Fassbender is a Roman soldier left behind enemy lines in Caledonia, who escapes, then goes back behind enemy lines, and escapes again, then goes back. While this circular annoyance is happening the Romans go about massacring the Picts, who don't take too kindly to their land being invaded.
The Romans are the bad guys here. They are the invading force. How on Earth are we supposed to be on their side? I wanted to see them killed. Protaganists they ain't, but we're supposed to root for them and enjoy seeing the Picts get wiped out. Also, the CGI blood is among the absolute worst I have ever seen in any movie. It's so unconvicing it looks like it was cartooned onto the film by someone unskilled in the 1985 version of Microsoft Paint. I can't believe anyone involved in the movie okayed this attempt, it looks terrible and it took me out of the scene every time I saw it. Even the opening credits, laughably executed in 3D, are in very bad low-resolution text. Standard lettering would have been more professional.
Other than the sight of a few hot Pictish chicks and some pretty mountain scenery there's no reason to watch this and if you manage to get through it you'll forget about it in a day. I liked Neil Marshall's Doomsday and The Descent, though this is a misjudged misfire. I still look forward to seeing what he does with the new Hellboy.